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So I'm writing this now about an abusive relationship I was in steadily for a year and a half. I'm still filled with anxiety and worry about and of them. Even here I'm somewhat scared to tell my story. But it's something that maybe someone else might benefit from. First, a little about myself.

I've been a Gaian for several years on two or three different accounts. I used to hide what I was (MtF Gender Fluid) for fear it would alienate me. I'm the kind of person who you meet in public settings and you think, wow, this person is so confident or social, or they have a great handle on the direction of life. But it couldn't be farther from the truth. When I'm away from the public's prying eye, I'm more quiet, reserved, and far more sensitive than I let on. So we'll start from the beginning.

I met her here, on gaia and we will refer to her as Ios, before I had come out and announced where I stood on the gender spectrum. Before I came out, I was dishonest to an extent, and told everyone I was a woman. If they asked and truly pressed me for pics, I'd pull one from the internet. It was a period of deep shame and depression for me. But Ios some how made me feel better. She trusted me and I trusted her and we had a great friendship. This was four years ago. Then, idk what happened. No doubt a fight or something, we were both younger and I was far more prone to bursts of anger and we stopped talking for two years.

Then we picked it up again. There was always an air of romantically charged energy between us. Ios was this seemingly strong, confident woman who made me forget my shame, my sadness, and all the depression I was experiencing as my offline life began to collapse. We had a good going, shared similar interests, tried new things together. But like before, after a few months of really good times, things exploded. We stopped talking for a couple months and in that time I met someone truly special. They uplifted me, gave me the strength to come true with my identity and accept who I was and wanted to be rather than hide it.

This person touched me in a way that was pure and kind, and even when I completely had a break down, and lashed out at them, her and I were on the path to some semblance of a friendship. That's when She came back. The one person I was and may forever be vulnerable to. I had sent a message to Ios, like most of the people I talked to previously to tell the truth about my identity and apologize. I never expected her to talk to me, or forgive me but she did. And it made me happy.

We had a good friendship building for about a week before it all came crashing down. I remember what it was too. We were in a mature themed roleplay in private, and before we could finish, I had to go to work. I meant to leave a comment, but I forgot in my flurry to get ready and not be late. I also forgot my phone and so was unable to contact her. Ios lost it. I came home to find that she had not only unfriended and blocked me again, but had gone as far as messaging many of my friends and spreading lies and talking deceit. I lost most of my gaia friends that day and decided the site was not for me.

I left for a full year. And in that year, i conquered my hatred and anger, most of my insecurity, and I built myself up. I pride myself now for the calm I'm able to show, the restraint of my tongue and the coolness of my reactions. I moved back with my parents so I could start school. I was on the path to success.

I don't really remember how Ios stumbled back into my life, but I remember the anxiety I felt when we first started talking. I was terrified, of being hurt and stepped on again. I was just coming back into Gaia, making new friends and slowly warming up the online community. But she seemed different. There was a tempered nature to her now, and what I believed was actual Empathy.We talked three months, and there were no problems. Four months and things were sailing smooth. I began to feel true emotions for her, and she I. We became closer than ever, talked on skype, had each other's phone numbers. There was never a definitive beginning to our relationship, but it was there and we were in love.

It was amazing for a while. It felt like I had started dating my best friend. We already knew so much about each other and were learning daily. But then, about six months in, problems began to happen. Her life was unhinging, Ios failed school, had issues with room mates. She would snap at me, berate me for wanting to talk to her regularly then apologize down the road, chalking it up to this or that. At about nine months, we had our first major fight. We were both stressed, and I remember getting upset over something petty. Rather than taking a moment to calm myself, I lashed out, and she retaliated and we both delivered terrible insults to one another. I was devastated, hated myself for losing that platform of cool. She cut me off entirely, which only worsened the pain that I felt. I wanted to make things right. I managed to get her to talk to me.

To get back together, she demanded I reduce my hours at work, and seek professional therapy and send her proof of my seeking help. It hurt, but I did so. I began seeing the counselor at school, who told me that the relationship might be abusive towards me. When I told Ios, she told me to forget about the therapy, that we'd work on my problems together. I didn't hear the my problems part, only the together part.

Months went buy and there were small flare ups, here or there, centered around miscommunication. As her life descended into instability, her patterns changed. She became more obsessed with playing video games than spending time with me. When I'd voice my concerns, it would blow up into a huge fight. But we never up and stopped talking like that first fight. We always worked it out. I would apologize, accept the blame. It's what I was trained to do. It was my fault she got angry because I didn't allow her to vent her stress into the proper avenues. It wasn't a perfect relationship, i told myself, but I was happy.

Come to the New Year of 2017 and this is typically a dark time for me. Very traumatic things occurred to me around new year and so I become jaded and distant. I tried to keep in touch with her as I cycled into my seasonal depression, but it grew hard. And as my silence and distance grew, she became more and more angry. I was scared to tell her what happened, I didn't want to burden her with my problems. I knew it would pass with a few weeks, but that was few weeks too many. She exploded. I tried to talk her back to the table and she insulted me. She told me to catch STDs, to choke on herpes riddled phallic members, that I was ugly and fat, that I lived at home and had no future.

It cut deeply, and I apologized. I told her what happened to me. I was sexually assaulted as a child around new years and then put in an orphanage. After I told her, she got angry that I hadn't told her earlier. But she also started talking to me more. We made it another month before our next major fight.

By this time, I'd gotten my education complete, I was on the prowl for a career, and I was losing weight. I had found myself, and I was stronger for it. I had a path that I was seeking. But I was still vulnerable to her. We were texting one another while I was at work. I was feeling a little tense because management was shifting, and she was comforting me. Then suddenly she stops responding. I shrug it off, but as the quarter hours tick by, I start to feel agitated and shunned. I ask her what she's doing and she told me she got stuck in a match on her game. This upsets me. It's a major pet peeve of mine where if someone is not going to be able to talk for a while, to let me know. I had told her this before.

When I ask why she always has to play that game when we're talking, she lies and tells me she hasnt played in weeks. I knew it was a lie because three days prior she told me while we were talking on skype that she was going to play it witha friend. I get even more upset, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's being lied to. In this case, I made a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe my brain was just trying to get me out of the constant cycle of hurt, or maybe I was just sour that day, but I tell her I need a break. She explodes when I tell her this, insults me, calls me worthless. It devastates me. A week from valentines day and we're falling apart again. I suffer a week of loneliness and depression, wanting to fill that void she left. Ultimately, I convince her to call me on valentines day.

I'm nervous, I want to get us back together, but I'm scared of what she will say, how she will react. I was right to be afraid. She insults me, guts me to the core, and I end up having to go home early that morning because I couldn't stop crying. But later that day she calls me. She apologizes. Tells me she was just upset and afraid to call me. I comfort her, and after some time, we settle back into the old ways. We make a good couple months of it. I'm happy and she's seemingly happy. It felt like walking on eggshells some of the time, but i kept telling myself that most of the time things are good.

But come april things begin to fall apart again. She's sleeping more, shirking responsibility and talking less to me. I voice my concern and she snaps down on me like a mouse trap and pushes me away. I let her cool for a few days then begin to try to make contact. It was like a well rehearsed play. I take the blame, I take her insults, I don't lash out or strike back. I spent a night without sleep trying to get her to think and talk things out. She insults me, my family, tells me no one will ever love me, that my life is worthless, tells me repeatedly to kill myself, but I take it. I take the shots to my hull and keep sailing because I feel dependent on her, that I can't function without her. She's beaten my self confidence so low that I need her. Ultimately my attitude pays off. But we only make it a week.

Ios comes out of no where with accusations that I am cheating on her with someone on gaia. Note, at this point in our relationship, I'm planning on moving her over to my home town. She's facing potential homelessness, has no direction, seemingly no escape. If she moves here, it upsets all my plans, but I accept that. This thing I do, if I do it, I tell myself, will erase all the mistakes I made with her in the past. But even though I'm putting my financial future at risk, she doesn't care. Someone looked at my gaia profile and she's convinced I'm sexually active with them. Demands to see my friendslist, I show it to her. Demands to see the chat chain proving we aren't do anything, i screen shot and show it to her. At this point I'm on the verge of crying. I can't believe this is happening again. But I'm confident that when she sees the proof that I'm loyal, that she will apologize and accept that she was wrong.

I was the one who was wrong. I should have told her this person was Trans, I should have told this person that I had messaged her. She attacked my choice of people I associated with on facebook, and on gaia. I'm at a loss for words. The one thing I've always been taught is that when you accuse someone and that accusation is wrong, you apologize. I'd never gotten angry at her like I did that day. Through sobbing tears, I spat back that she was outrageously out of line and that she had no reason to act with such flippant jealousy and to attack me so deeply. Ios didn't care. She felt justified. She ended the relationship and left me broken.





It's been about a week. And I've had some time to process. This time I had decided I would not try to get her back, and as I focused less on trying to win favor, I began to see more of how toxic she was for me. She tried to control my friendships and my interests, would get deeply upset if I disagreed with her. When she was angry, she would insult me fiercely, and show little remorse. She constantly felt justified, that she did nothing wrong and when she did it was stress or some other acting force that caused her actions. The list goes on.

So that's my story. I know it was a roller coaster of a read, and that I certainly wasn't completely void of blame. I know that I can be intense, and that I want to socialize near constantly with the one I love. I know that sometimes I can come off as controlling, but I would never punish someone for going against a request I make. I understand that I'm not perfect, but that doesn't give anyone a right to emotionally abuse me. Or you. If you are reading this, and you find yourself in a similar situation, please, tell your friends. And listen to them.

Throughout the break up and reunification, all my friends told me the same thing. That she was abusive and didn't have my best interest at heart. I talked to professionals since the break up and they have told me the same thing.

You are not the problem. If your partner acts like she did to me, then you are at risk. Confide in others, and don't be afraid to walk out. I felt dependent on her, and responsible for the failings of the relationship. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Find some help, join a support group, and with it strength will come. The only thing I regret about my time spent is that I didn't get out of it sooner.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I can only hope it helps someone down the line.

If you are unsure of whether your relationship is abusive, check this website:
http://www.ncadv.org/learn-more/what-is-domestic-violence/abusive-partner-signs

While there was never any physical violence in our relationship, thanks to the distance between us, the volunteers I talked to told me that had we moved closer together, that it could have easily gone that way. I was one of the fortunate ones. You can be too.

Thank you for the inspirational message. I am really hoping that people will take in what happened to me, and that it might start a dialogue on what they might be going through. It took a lot of willpower to resist the temptation to go back to her, and even more to publicly post what happened to me. But change of character comes from within. It starts as a small seed and with time, and care, grows into a magnificent tree.

If I can help other people out of their predicament then the time I suffered through was worth it. And while I don't see a counselor, I do have someone I can talk to on hand if I begin to feel a moment of weakness, or if I am retaliated against. It's already happened once this week, but with the strength of my friends and myself, I was able to resist the temptation of her trap, and ignore her petty behavior. Anyways, thank you for reading and commenting. smile