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 Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:51 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Wed May 03, 2006 2:33 pm
Wow, I really like this piece. It has good punctuation, good rhythm, and the wording leaves a huge impact on the reader.
Only thing I found odd was the rhythm in the second stanza. Maybe a bit of rewording would fix that, though I'm not quite sure how.
Overall, this piece was really good, and I can't wait to read more of your poetry!
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Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 11:15 am
I really like this piece. The imagery is very powerful and I think you should go with the power of the imagery and metaphor, rather than the rhyming. In poetry there are many tools that can be used such as imagery, repetition, rhyme, and many other tools. These tools should reinforce the meaning of the poem. For example, I once read a poem that was only four lines long and used imagery to explore the death of a newborn baby and the father's pain because of the death of his child. The poem's physical self, the shortness, reinforced the meaning of it, the cutting sadness of a life cut so short. This is why I suggest going without the rhyme because it does not reinforce the meaning, as far as I can tell. If you went with the imagery you're using and explored that more in the poem, it would help the reader to understand where you're coming from and it would help to clarify some things in the poem. Overall, I liked the poem, please know that. I just felt that it was a bit weak, but since the subject matter is such a big deal and very important to you, it seems, I would encourage you to revise the poem. It is a difficult subject matter, but I think you can make the poem be powerful as is the subject matter.
Feel free to PM me. 3nodding I feel like I may have been a bit confusing or something . . .
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Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:01 pm
thank you so much both of you. This is my favorite poem that I did. I think I know how I can fix the second stanza without losing any of it's umph. The revising is never over...
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Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 8:03 pm
Really nice. It reminds me of when my best friend was killed in a car crash two years ago. I was sobbing my eyes out at her funeral.
Death is never fair.
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Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 7:40 pm
I wrote this poem shortly after the shooting of the two highschool boys and the relitives of a third in McKinney.
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