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Pascha was excited! He was often excited and by a great many things, but at this particular time he was excited to be meeting with a friend. Duke Stefano Gonzales of Mercury, a man he had definitely heard of before coming to the academy but admittedly had not actually met until recently. That was really too bad because Stefano was a really great guy and a lot of fun to talk to! Maybe those boring, stuffy royal functions would have been a lot more palatable with someone like Stefano to talk to! Then again, would he really have wanted his friend to be trapped in a ballroom with pretentious nobles wearing too much perfume, stiff clothing, and shoes that always seemed to pinch a little? Maybe it was better that they had met at the academy after all!

Stefano was a few years older than him, but somehow he just… seemed younger? Not in a bad way! At least, Pascha did not think it was bad. He just seemed so lively and cheerful and he didn’t let things get him down. That made the youthful prince really happy since he was often the same way. There were other people he got along with, but there weren’t a lot that he would have called kindred spirits. Probably only two, really… His sister Sonia almost went without saying! And now Stefano!

The last time they had talked, they agreed to hang out again, this time in Stefano’s room with some snacks. Pascha had of course agreed right away! Then later he had to think for a second and make sure that he wasn’t confused and about to go on another unexpected date. But no, he was sure; Stefano wanted to hang out as friends and eat snacks and talk about stuff and that sounded like a whole lot of fun!

Stefano had even mentioned talking about a girl he really liked! Stefano liked a lot of people, but it sounded like this person might be extra special. And well, Pascha kind of had someone to talk about, too. He was fit to burst with all of the feelings he tried not to feel, so he thought it might help if he could talk to at least one person. He hadn’t known who he could talk to about it all until now and he hoped he was right. Not that he was really worried he wouldn’t be; Stefano was a really good listener and hadn’t ever judged him for anything before.

And so it was that Pascha was humming to himself as he pushed a full serving cart of tasty finger delights down the hall. One shelf had all the savory things like chicken wings, devilled eggs, meats, cheeses, crackers, bread chunks with a fondue pot, and so on. And another shelf was full of cookies, cakes and tarts. It was hard to pick just one or two things to bring! Plus, well… he could eat a lot.

Reaching the right door at last, Pascha parked the cart and gave a knock. ”Stefano! It’s me, Pascha! Hi! I’m here!” the prince called out enthusiastically, his eyes shining green with his eagerness to hang out with his friend. Wouldn’t it be great if all of his friends knew each other and he could hang out with them all and do fun things? Maybe next time! He could even introduce Stefano to Hasan if they hadn’t already met. That would take a lot of snacks, though.

The door opened and Pascha would have grinned even more widely if it was actually, physically possible for him to do so. ”Hi! It’s going great! Especially now; it’s really great to see you, too!” Pascha wheeled the cart into the room with some help from Stefano. ”Thanks! Haha, I guess I brought a lot.”

Pascha was accustomed to having plenty of food, even for his appetite, and he had not considered how it might look to his friend for him to show up with his packed cart. He had never gone hungry or had to ration his food. The only thing that really slowed down his eating was the time that he spent working. Somewhere in his store of knowledge, he was absolutely aware that not everyone was as privileged as himself, but having never really seen it left him effectively oblivious.

He had not even considered whether Stefano would have room or a table big enough. ”Oh… Well, that’s okay! It’s not like it has to be set up all fancy, anyway. I just wanted us to have plenty of snacks to share. But next time I should think it through a bit more, huh?” After all, he didn’t want his visits to be burdensome. Then Stefano might stop inviting him altogether and that would be sad.

”Hmn, my favorites… I like lots of stuff, but! We should definitely try the devilled eggs and the fondue first, I think. Before the eggs get warm and so the cheese doesn’t get too cold. Plus, anything with melted cheese is awesome, right?” Pascha didn’t hesitate to grab one of the long forks, stab a chunk of bread, and dip it into the ooey, gooey liquid gold known as cheese. He barely even blew on the morself before popping it into his mouth. An action that resulted in him immediately fanning is burning mouth.

”Hot, hot, hot! Worth it, though, but you don’t have to be as impatient as me, hahaha!”

Pascha then had a thought and set down the fork with a look of confusion. ”Did I do something wrong?” While Pascha had certainly missed a few social cues he probably should have caught, there was one thing he had noticed. But maybe it was because the cart was in the way? ”No hug?” The prince lifted his arms in anticipation before wondering if that was the wrong thing to do. What if Stefano had a reason not to give him a hug after all?

”I mean, only if you want to. I just like your hugs a lot, but I mean it’s not like you have to or anything if you really don’t want to. But if you want to…?”

Pascha realized he shouldn’t have worried so much; Stefano didn’t seem to really mind that he had brought so much food after all. And that was good, because Pascha was pretty sure that between the two of them they could finish every last bite. He could probably have done it himself, but that would just be selfish and rude and even he might manage to get a little bit of a tummy ache.

Hot, melty cheese was really, really tasty. Unfortunately it was also really, really hot. Like, hotter than it seemed like should even be possible without it just burning right up. There was some sciencey stuff that explained it all, sure, but Pascha wasn’t so much of a bookish guy that he couldn’t set knowledge aside to just appreciate how crazy hot melty cheese was. But he still grinned broadly at Stefano. ”This is one thing I never learn, unfortunately. At least not for long!”

Once again the young prince was happy to learn that he hadn’t done anything wrong after all; Stefano had just forgotten his hug this time. That was okay! And the hug he got was like the best Stefano hug ever, so that more than made up for it! Pascha laughed happily as he was lifted out of his chair, hugging his friend in return for all his smaller arms were worth. ”No distress! That was a great hug!” Pascha replied with glee once he was settled in his seat once more. ”Hardly anybody ever hugs you once you’re all grown up. I think that’s really sad. But I really, really look forward to your hugs, Stefano! You give really good ones, too.”

Was there something he wanted to talk about? Pascha’s smile turned sheepish and his cheeks a little pink. ”Well, um…” It was so strange to feel shy all of a sudden, especially in front of Stefano. He was a good friend and really nice and Pascha felt like he could tell the duke anything! But now that the time had come, his face was hot. He felt so suddenly nervous that he did not yet consciously realize that Stefano was nervous as well. Pascha fidgeted a little in his seat, then worked his feet out of his sneakers so he could cross his legs in the chair and lean forward.

”The truth is, I really, really want to tell you about something… Well, it’s more accurate to say I want to tell you about someone. And I haven’t told anyone yet, not even Sonia, so it has to be our secret, okay? I really want to tell someone, and you’re so nice to me. I know you won’t make fun of me or try to make me feel bad.” Pascha smiled brightly, but his talk could wait.

”I can wait, though. You should go first; you invited me, after all. And I like hearing about all of the people you like.” Besides, if Stefano was preoccupied enough to forget a hug, he must have a lot on his mind, too! Pascha at least had as much of a handle on his situation as he thought he could have, for the moment. It just felt like such a big thing to keep trapped inside him and not talk about at all! And if there was anyone he could talk to about relationship stuff, especially one-sided feelings, it had to be Stefano. He could probably use a little advice from someone who might know what it was like to have feelings whether he meant to or not.

Maybe Stefano somehow knew already? That couldn’t be possible, right? It would have explained why he offered to let Pascha speak first, though. And it would have explained the nervous gulp that was suddenly bumped up in the priority of Pascha’s thought processes. It could be that he already had something to say that Pascha would find hard to hear. Pascha almost began to panic, but before that feeling could rise he realized it was really unnecessary. It was fine if Stefano already knew; he wanted Stefano to know. And even if there was something hard for him to hear, he knew that the duke would only say something like that if he needed to hear it. Wasn’t that why he wanted to talk about Hasan and his feelings for the chocolate man in the first place? Everything would actually be much easier if Stefano was already on the same page.

Or it could be that the duke was nervous for a completely unrelated reason. Either way, Pascha would know the truth of it soon enough.

Love is love. It was such a simple statement, but Stefano said it with so much conviction that it was easy to just believe him. It was easy to believe that he would understand, no matter what Pascha said, Even if he said he really liked another man. It was definitely too soon to call it love… right? Pascha wasn’t even sure what love should feel like. At least he wasn’t sure what that kind of love felt like. But he liked Hasan a lot and that was the first step to falling in love, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to think about that too much, though. His feelings were already a problem; he shouldn’t even be considering that they might get stronger!

Still, it made Pascha smile and nod to hear Stefano’s sentiment. ”Love is love.” he agreed eagerly; he knew that Stefano would understand. He could definitely tell his duke everything and it would somehow be okay. And maybe Stefano would have some good advice for him; the other man was older and more experienced than himself. But even if that wasn’t the case, Pascha would settle for having someone listen and understand and commiserate a little.

A giggle rose from the Prince’s chest and he let it spill merrily from his lips. Stefano wasn’t wrong; there really were a lot of beautiful women at Utopia. Some of them were so pretty that they were hard to even talk to! There were even a couple that he had thought he might like for a while. It wasn’t that long ago that he used to imagine holding hands with Nayeni or Charlene, maybe even kissing them!

But it was strange… they weren’t any less pretty or nice than they were before, but he knew he didn’t think that way about them any more. He wanted to hold hands with Hasan, he wanted to kiss Hasan. He wanted to do a lot more than that with Hasan. How did it all change so quickly and drastically? Wouldn’t it make more sense to be like Stefano and just like lots of pretty people at the same time? Maybe Hasan would even worry less if he did, but… he just didn’t. Ever since his date with Hasan, real or not, he just didn’t feel that way about anyone else. Was that strange?

Pascha paused in his gnawing of a chicken wing to blink in surprise at Stefano. One of the Bonnies… wasn’t a Bonnie? ”Which one? Bonnie Blue Eyes or Bonnie Brown Eyes?” It felt a little silly to ask since he hadn’t actually put a face to either Bonnie yet, but he still liked to keep track. After all, these ladies were important to his friend! He really liked them all. Maybe even loved them? Could someone love lots of people at once? Pascha wouldn’t know, but he was going to carry on in the spirit of love is love! Maybe Stefano really could!

Bonnie Blue Eyes was actually Violetta? Pascha smiled since Stefano was laughing, but there was confusion in his eyes. He wasn’t really sure that he thought it was funny. Honestly, it seemed kind of strange. Why had she ever said that her name was Bonnie to begin with. ”I guess I had to be there! But I’m glad she told you her real name now. Wow, that was a long time to keep it a secret!”

Pascha couldn’t help grinning, even though he tried to smother it behind one hand, when Stefano managed to burn his mouth, too. He really wasn’t laughing at his friend; it was just a little funny that it wasn’t him, for once! ”Because really hot melty cheese is too delicious to keep thinking about how hot it is first!” That was not true, of course, but it still amused him to say.

Simmering down a little, Pascha turned his mind back to Bonnie Blue Eyes revealing her true name to be Violetta. ”I wonder if Violetta was just waiting to see how long it would take before you figured out Bonnie wasn’t her name. It’s a strange kind of joke, but… a similar thing did happen to me. Not with a name, though; Hasan did tell me his real name. At least I’m pretty sure he did. But, he ah…” Pascha hesitated again, looking sheepish, but reminded himself that this was Stefano and Stefano would understand. He had even shared an embarrassing story, so it was the best time for Pascha to share one, too.

”He invited me to hang out with him, but he actually took me on a date… as a joke. To see how long it would take before I realized. Fifty two minutes, I’m ashamed to say! But in my defense, I really didn’t think men asked other men on dates. And, well, maybe they don’t? It was meant to be a joke, after all. But I… I really liked it. I, um… I really like him. I like Hasan a lot. But I’m not supposed to. And it’s really confusing.”

Pascha looked down at his plate, his eyes a very pale blue as he battled with his muddled thoughts. ”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just dump all of that out at once. I’ve been thinking about him so much and I really, really want to talk to you about it all because you're the only friend I think I can talk to about… any of it. I think you’re the only one I can ask… What do you do when you really like somebody, but they don’t like you the same way? I don’t know how to just… not like him so much.”

”Uh huh.” Pascha agreed with a nod as he looked back up at Stefano. He really did like Hasan. Like a lot. He felt like he liked Hasan even more every time they spent some time together. But then Hasan would avoid him and he would feel so stupid for letting his feelings get stronger when they weren’t supposed to exist at all. He just couldn’t help it, no matter how much he reminded himself that what he had with the chocolate man was just about sex and nothing more. Stefano was right, he really was quite the guy. Pascha couldn’t help but to smile despite how tied up he was feeling.

”There really are some very nice and very pretty girls here. And I liked some of them. I used to think about what it would be like to be more than just friends. But then I went on that date, and now it’s just not the same. I only think about him. Not even handsome men in general; just him.” He almost wished he was interested in another man; at least that would answer some questions about himself. And then maybe he could experiment and discover whether his feelings for Hasan were legitimate or whether he was just enamored with the first guy to touch him. Then again, it was for the better that he didn’t; lest he forget, it really wasn’t something men were supposed to do with each other. He couldn’t just start pursuing attractive men like it was the most normal thing in the world.

What Stefano said next was a surprise. So much so that he sat up straighter with eyes wide, staring at Stefano as though he was waiting for the man to laugh and say that he was kidding. He was kidding, wasn’t he? Hasan didn’t like him, not like that. But maybe Stefano still had a point?

”I don’t think I was playing hard to get. Well, I mean… maybe by accident? I was really confused at first. I didn’t think it was normal for a man to like another man. And definitely not somebody like me; I’m not even particularly handsome. Hasan says I’m sexy, but I, um…” A hot blush filled Pascha’s cheeks and he smiled sheepishly, rubbing his hands over his face. ”Oh, it still feels really weird to say that!”

Pascha dropped his hands to his lap but he was still blushing. ”But what I mean is that I know he likes my, um… my body. But that’s all. He made sure that I understood that we can only be friends with benefits. He doesn’t have feelings for me, but I have feelings for him. I really tried not to, but it’s actually really hard to just decide what I don’t want to feel. So instead I guess I have to learn how to ignore it better. But… do you really think maybe he just doesn’t know I like him? I didn’t want him to know, but sometimes I’m afraid I’m being so obvious. I just don’t know. Should I… Should I tell him?”

There was still so much that Pascha just didn’t understand, even though he was trying to. But Stefano seemed to understand right away! It was amazing how much of a difference five years of age could make. Or maybe it was more than just that. Stefano was undoubtedly a lot more worldly than he was; most people were. Even his brother was, before he… before he was taken away. Would he have been having this conversation with Aksell as well, if that had never happened? He was sure Stefano and Aksell would have gotten along too; Stefano was great! It was almost like… well, no one could really ever, ever replace his real brother, but… it was like gaining a whole new, different brother that was also a very good one.

Pascha hesitated when Stefano asked him exactly what Hasan had said. Hesitating really wasn’t like him at all, but there was something about the words that set off a small alarm in his head. For a moment he thought he must have imagined it, but then he started noticing the little details that had probably set off that warning.

Stefano wasn’t exactly frowning, but it almost looked like he wanted to. The big, happy emotions that usually lit up his eyes seemed harder, somehow. And his posture seemed a little stiffer. All things Pascha normally might not have noticed, at least not consciously, but it almost didn’t seem to suit Stefano. He was always so cheerful. Not that anyone always had to be! It was just noticeable, was all. When the older man very deliberately flattened his palms against his legs and asked him to repeat what had happened, Pascha began to realize he may have made a mistake. The last thing he wanted to do was poison anyone else against Hasan; he just really wanted some advice.

”It’s… it’s not his fault. I should have explained more; this is really my fault, honest!” Pascha insisted, raising his hands with palms out. ”He did ask me on a fake date, but he felt really bad about it. He kept saying I should be angry with him and that he didn’t think I would be into it. And… and I wouldn’t have thought I would be, either, but… I was having a really nice time with a friend. And, um. And somebody I already wanted to kiss. So… so I was happy when he told me it was actually a date. And he really made extra, extra sure to tell me he wasn’t expecting anything. Not even a kiss!”

Would his face ever stop being red? Probably not, Pascha thought. After all, he wasn’t even finished telling all of the really embarrassing stuff. Everything had felt so right when it was just him and Hasan, but explaining things to Stefano made his whole head feel warm!

”But I wanted to. I really wanted to. You should know I actually kissed him first, just as he was telling me I didn’t have to. That I should tell him if it was too soon, or if I wanted my first kiss to be with a girl, or anything at all. And even after I kissed him he said we should stop. And I, um… I responded by inviting him to my room.” It was a little hard to meet Stefano’s eyes when he admitted to that part. But he locked their gazes again as he continued, wanting to make absolutely sure he defended the chocolate man in absentia. ”He just kept making sure, over and over, that I really understood what was happening and really wanted it to happen. He had already explained that a date was to get to know one another, to see if two people are compatible, and that not everything had to happen fast. So please believe me when I say that I knew, even if I’m not the most experienced guy in the world, I knew what I was asking for and I asked anyway. I wanted him to come to my room and… well. I don’t think I have to spell it out. Except to say even then he was still holding back so he wouldn’t hurt me. I knew when I asked him to come that he didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me. But I still wanted… all of it. So, you see, I really didn’t leave him a choice. He played a little joke and I just… Well, I took it too far. I took my chance to explore… everything. And I liked it. I don’t regret anything. I just need to somehow like him a little less? I said I wouldn’t expect anything more than I asked for and I meant it, but I just… I still want more, even if I know better than to expect it.”

Pascha sighed, his eyes dropping from Stefano’s once more. He felt so stupid. Not least of all for the fact that he still, still could not bring himself to regret anything. A real genius ought to be able to learn from his mistakes. Pascha wanted to make them all again, bigger than before. A part of him thrilled at the idea of what Stefano hinted at, but he shook his head.

”My father holds all the real power and I can’t talk to him about any of this. He wouldn’t understand. And I do not like to think about what might happen if he thought this was Hasan’s fault and not mine.”

“And even if I could change the laws, I can’t change the people, our culture, or our history. So I can’t just make decrees that would make them question my ability to rule them someday. Because I am going to have to. I’m going to have to take the throne one day and people will need to believe in me or I run the risk of fracturing the kingdom. They can’t see me as deviant or weak. Being with Hasan doesn’t make me feel like a deviant at all, but I know what people will think. It is hard to even admit that I feel like this, but… but you are my friend. And… and you’re the closest thing I have to a big brother since I… since I… lost mine.”

Pascha’s voice had grown much quieter when he made the admission, his head hung down. He still did not like to talk about losing Aksell, he did not even like to think about it, but it was hard not to. Stuff like this, relationship troubles and stuff, just felt like the kind of thing he would have wanted to talk to a big brother about. And he used to have one, a great one! Used to. That was all gone now, and it was his fault.

Pascha shook off the melancholic thoughts as best he could before they swallowed him completely. He was already emotional and that just made it harder to really think. He had to compartmentalize. Prioritize the processes he wanted to run, his situation with Hasan, his friendship with Stefano. Sleep the processes that seized the entire system, the loss of Aksell, his guilt over that loss. He could do this. He had been doing this. It was all going to be okay.

”I’m sorry.” Pascha said softly. ”I keep doing that, It isn’t right to dump so much on you just because you’re so easy to talk to. I’m really sorry. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about this stuff anymore. Just… Please don’t think bad of Hasan, okay? He already thinks bad of himself, but I don’t. I decided everything and I don’t have any regrets. I would do it all again.”

Pascha was saying so many words, even for him. He wanted to explain everything, he wanted it to make sense to Stefano the way it made sense to him. But he didn’t think he was actually achieving that at all. Was he making it all worse? Pascha went over everything in his head again and again and again, but for him it always worked out the same way. Hasan may have played a naughty prank, but he was the one who had taken it a step further than that and then another step further than that. Every final decision was his; he was sure of it. But Stefano seemed a lot less sure about that.

But then something changed, just when he was sure that he had said too much and was asking for too much. It was a lot, wasn’t it? Just suddenly blurting out that Stefano was like a big brother to him. Especially when anyone from Mercury would know about his brother’s untimely death. It was a large hole to fill and it wasn’t right to just expect Stefano to do that. But he had been; Stefano was always there for him, always a friend and confidant and shoulder to lean on. He was everything and more that Pascha could have wanted in a brother. Not a copy of Aksell, but his own person and the best kind of person.

And he was proving it again. Stefano calmed right before his eyes and even apologized, even though he really didn’t have to. Pascha could never be mad that Stefano was worried about him and didn’t want him to get hurt. But he was glad that they could at least agree that this was his choice. He was an adult now; he could make adult choices, even if they might be the wrong ones. Was he really wrong? He didn’t know yet, but it didn’t feel wrong and he wasn’t going to stop.

But that didn’t mean he ever wanted Stefano to stop caring so much. Pascha smiled brightly at the big brother his heart had found. ”It’s okay; I’m not mad. Actually, I’m a little bit happy about it. I mean… it’s hard to explain, it’s not like I want you to be mad, but it does make me happy that you really care about me. You really are my big brother; you care enough to get mad if you think I might get hurt. And to give me advice even if I don’t always take it. Thank you for that. I’m lucky. And so is Sonia.”

Did Sonia have any feelings like that for anyone? Pascha didn’t like to think about it, but he had to; he was her big brother, too. And she was still a kid. He hadn’t thought about girls or boys at all at her age, but… even he knew that he wasn’t exactly normal in that regard. Should he talk to her? Or wait for her to talk to him? Should he ask for Stefano’s advice about that, too? Maybe not, or at least not yet.

Besides, Stefano had asked him a really important question. One so important that Pascha sat up straighter in the chair with both feet on the floor. He reached for both of Stefano’s hands and leaned in so that his deep blue eyes met Stefano’s golden ones. ”Family is forever, Stefano. Calling you my brother… it means too much to me to say it if I don’t mean it. You’re someone it would hurt too much to lose; that’s what it means. You couldn’t… mess up bad enough to change that. Even trying to think of what could be that bad… I mean, if I even thought you could hurt Sonia, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, right? So you can tell me anything. And if it’s bad, I’ll try to help just like you’ve been trying to help me. I promise.”