Julian woke up at six in the morning. There was no reason for it, he just did. He hadn’t slept well but it hadn’t been a night of tossing and turning. Just quiet tension.

He felt restless, which wasn’t unusual. He rarely felt comfortable in his own skin. Today it felt like it was stretched too tightly over him, like it was suffocating the air from his lungs and cutting off circulation. His bones were cracking, and he was afraid if he moved too quickly, they might tear right through his too-thin skin.

Julian, despite logic, found this to be a very compelling concern. It didn’t matter if he knew it probably wasn’t possible, he just couldn’t separate fact from fear. The more he thought about it, the worse he made it. What if he moved too quickly and a jagged bone tore through paper flesh? What if he moved the wrong way and his skin vacuumed closer, constricting him so tightly that he’d never move again? What if it crushed bone and muscle, if it ground him into dust and slowly choked out all his air?

What if this awful, horrible thing he was trapped in finally decided it had taken enough and wanted to be done?

Oh–but, no. That was so unkind, that was so cruel. That was so wrong.

This poor body tried so hard. It wasn’t enough that it had to protect Julian from the outside world, he was beating it up from the inside, too.

He apologized in his head, as loudly and desperately as he could. It would have been quieter if he’d said it out loud, even if he wasn’t trying to preserve the quiet stillness of early morning.

Julian tried to go back to sleep for the umpteenth time, failed again, and finally–cautiously–crawled out of bed. He’d gotten very good at moving so slowly, so silently, that the mattress didn’t even dip or creak, and the blanket settled where he’d been like he’d never even been there at all.

Julian could have navigated the room blindfolded. His things were always exactly, perfectly, in place. He’d already placed his clothes for the day atop his backpack, which he’d placed by the door of his room last night in preparation for today. The house was quiet–expected, this early on a Saturday–so he drifted downstairs with all the presence of a shadow.

He took four minutes in the bathroom to change clothes, brush his teeth, and be ready for the day. He told himself he didn’t know what he was going to do but he’d already decided he was heading up to Dering again.

The fear of failure had already wrapped its cold hands around his neck and had begun the slow, steady process of choking out his energy, but Julian just folded up his pajamas and hid them under the sink. He’d grab them when he got back but he didn’t want to risk waking anyone up while he was on his way out.

He could have skipped the kitchen and just left but more than once someone had fussed over his size, and he was worried that his case worker would want him to have another check up sooner than his annual if he couldn’t put on any weight. Or, worse, she might think Talia wasn’t taking good enough care of him, and then she might try to ship him off to another home.

After all that Soleiyu had done to get him here–after all Talia and Zac and Evan had done to get him settled here–he didn’t want to do that to them.

Though he’d packed snacks in his bag already, he’d only finished a third of his dinner last night. Which also wasn’t uncommon, but his stomach just couldn’t always handle the full plates Evan served. The food was never wasted. As per usual, what he couldn’t finish was packed up and stored in the fridge. Unwilling to use the microwave, Julian abandoned his favored oats and banana breakfast, instead opting to get the cold dish out of the fridge.

He opened the drawer so silently that the silverware didn’t even c***k together when he withdrew a fork. The dim light of the rising sun offered more than enough visibility for him to maneuver the space, and he didn’t mind the leftovers cold.

Maxim didn’t either.

The dog had blearily crept into the kitchen, only to brighten when he found Julian. Julian took his breakfast outside, and Maxim did his business in the backyard while Julian ate cold mashed potatoes and rice, and picked at the small pieces of pork loin and steamed vegetables.

It was cold, a brittle winter morning, but Julian’s body felt flushed.

When Maxim was done exploring the backyard, Julian sat on the ground and shared the rest of his meal, and then they both went inside. Naturally, Maxim was curious, and he didn’t like changes in the schedule any more than Julian did. To him, Julian should stay in bed for another hour or two at least, and then Evan should make breakfast, and then everyone should eat and give him food from their plates because he was such a good boy.

Julian knew how sensitive Maxim was, so he reassured him that everything was okay, and gave him a few extra scratches behind the ear.

Weak to Maxim’s sad eyes, Julian had to coax him onto the couch so he could tuck him under two blankets. It was only when Maxim had been thoroughly pampered that he spared Julian his big, baby eyes that said, ‘Can’t you stay all morning and pet me and feed me?’ and nuzzled into the pillow to sleep again.

The house would awaken soon, so Julian needed to get out quickly. Not because they would stop him! But because he’d lose his nerve and chicken out. Again.

He’d mentioned the plan to visit his Wonder, so when they woke up and he and his backpack were gone, he knew they’d figure he just got an early start. If they wanted, they could even check the security cameras Soleiyu had installed. Julian even forced himself to walk down the main path so they could see him clearly instead of slinking just out of sight like he usually did. His head was down and his hood was up, but it was cold outside, and wet with morning dew that had already frosted over.

It wasn’t even six thirty by the time he made it to the sidewalk, and he could see well enough to navigate to the park. At this hour, he wasn’t sure if he should stick by the streetlamps or avoid them, but nobody was on the road yet. A grand total of two cars passed him. He walked for fifteen minutes, maybe less–he wasn’t watching the clock–and was disappointed to find the park gated and locked.

But, that was okay. He knew it didn’t open until eight. He wouldn’t have been able to disappear that easily once people started showing up so he had to be here early.

Stomach crawling, he jumped the fence and kept close to the treeline. There was only one camera here, but it was pointed at the road. He avoided it easily.

He didn’t want to be out here for long. Plenty of animals were active at dawn and he didn’t want to run into a mountain lion any more than he wanted to run into a youma. But, he also wanted to make sure he powered up somewhere out of the way. He could control where he left Destiny City from, and he could control where he arrived back. He wanted to make sure he didn’t land in the middle of someone’s Saturday baseball game.

So, here was fine–a bit off the path, in a cluster of dense trees that gave him good coverage on all sides but the one he entered from.

He probably wouldn’t even get lost on the way back to the park. But, if he did, at least his phone had GPS. He hoped he wouldn’t have to ask for help.

…No, he wouldn’t ask. He could figure it out. He didn’t have to bother them. He’d gotten himself here, he could get himself out.

If he was going to ask for help, it needed to be for something important.

Julian drew in one great breath.

His skin still felt tight. It was no more his own now than it had been when he’d woken up but he could breathe a little easier. It no longer felt like being wrapped in a thin blanket and held under cold water.

He didn’t know if this trip to Dering would be the same as all the others–if he’d wind up spending all day on a Wonder that didn’t want him, failing to meet expectations and floundering to find any purpose. He didn’t want to come home feeling exhausted, and lesser, and worse.

He wanted, so badly, for this–any of this–to mean something.

He just wanted to be good enough.