It felt like a sanctuary, like somewhere he wanted to be. His talk with the Code had salved a pain in his soul he hadn't realized he was carrying so deeply. He'd thought the fear and the avoidance were simply him being just a little bit dramatic (he did have a habit, at least in his own head) and he would get over it, but until he had talked it out, he hadn't realized that....it really was something that dogged him.
He had nearly given himself up on the altar of saving someone else. He knew that he circled the decision over and over, that he'd made the right cohice in the end to run away, but...
That he'd even needed to still sat ill with him.
And yet, it felt like far less of a burden, now. Or perhaps the burden had simply evolved. He knew that he'd already done work to move past it; his heart felt lighter, thinking about the assurance thqat had come from the very heart of his power, and more than that, thinking about how much work he'd done with Tyndareus. They had started out as foes, yes, but by the third time they met,t hey almost felt like...friends.
Maybe one day, he would show Tyndareus this place. Help him see how much was out there, and what it really meant to protect their world. He almost felt like there was hope, for the man--to move him forward and help him see a better world. And this time, there was no chance Carterhaugh would risk everything he'd built all over again.
He wouldn't need to, he hoped. Wouldn't let himself get pulled into another orbit so thoroughly that he lost himself to its gravity. Tyndareus didn't seem to need that, anyway. And even if he wasn't able to open his eyes, to convince him to change, he could at least do....something. Offer him a hand that would help him make better choices in the future. Maybe make sure he wasn't entirely lost to Chaos.
It felt silly, to want to do that. To have the hubris to think he could convince someone else to change their mind. But maybe he could do it. And maybe if he did, he would find the weight he carried lessened even further. Maybe he could truly prove he was what his Wonder deserved.
Starting the new year with a visit to his Wonder felt especially poignant. Like a resolution he was making to himself. And, anyway,t he loneliness of his empty apartment was crawling up his spine all over again. Laying on the couch and watching the ball drop on TV the night before had felt...sad. He could have gone out, but where? A bar didn't sound appealing. He didn't have friends to invite to New Year's parties. Any time he was around his old colleagues at the University for too long, things started to feel strange--because of course Ashe Stromkirk knew things that he shouldn't have, since he'd learned them as Asher Voldaren.
He'd heard nothing of anyone talking about him. He wondered if they even really missed him, or if it had simply been so long that the absence of Asher never bit anymore, or if they simply accepted that he'd stayed with family in England and didn't intend to return to the US. Or if people disappearing and never returning in Destiny City was simply so common that it wasn't anything to be remarked on anymore.
Either way, it still felt strange to be there as Ashe. It was....out of place. And he hadn't felt like celebrating somewhere he felt like a living ghost. Not exactly the sort of thing to put him in a pleasant, festive mood top start off the new year.
So a night at home it had been, laying on his couch and staring at the TV, drinking champagne alone in a townhouse where his only company was his houseplants. That was a little sad and pathetic, and he hadn't stayed up long after the ball drop; he hadn't even felt like powering up to go on a walk after that. Frankly, the entire evening had been so miserable he was surprised he felt so eager to do things tonight. But with a warm shawl pulled over his dress and a little determination, he'd taken a long walk down the street and eventually found himself sitting on a bench, enjoying the quiet of the evening.
He could hear distant celebrations--people who wanted to continue ringing in the new year for yet another day, who wanted to start their year off with joy and celebration--and in the distance, he could feel a few other magical auras, but nothing that made him feel particularly concerned. It was a nice night to be out and contemplating his situation, all things considered. And frankly, he was eager to go from home to his Wonder, to find his quiet little sanctuary and see how it was doing on the first day of the new year.
He thought of it, focused on that faraway place, and let himself be carried there.
When he arrived, he was sitting on a stone fence that felt...sturdier than it had looked, on his last visit. He cast his gaze around, and he could have sworn that things looked better--still dilapidated and showing signs of disrepair, but the fences especially looked far more put together. He slid off the fence and moved forward, letting himself wander along snow-covered cobblestone paths between what looked like trellises.
So Carterhaugh's roses were the climbing variety. Somehow, that warmed him. He did love a pretty climbing rose.
Might they grow up the walls of the manor house, someday? He couldn't be sure, but he could hope.
When spring came, he would have to see about doing some proper planting. Or see if the Carterhaugh roses he'd seen in memory ever actually came back. They seemed to be tied to the Wonder itself, so perhaps...
His little wisp companion appeared over his shoulder and darted off to explore on its own, and Carterhaugh smiled.
"Lovely, aren't they?" A voice said. Carterhaugh turned, to see a beautiful woman with a long cascade of dark hair gently cradling a rose blossom between her fingers. The garden was in full bloom, in a riot of colors and shades--red and pink and yellow, and even blue and black and purple, colors that didn't appear on roses on Earth.
Stunning, truly, Carterhaugh had to admit.
The woman was Medb, he knew, somehow. This was the woman his past self had thought of with such mixed emotions, in the last memory he'd had.
"Nowhere near as lovely as you," he said, in an accent that wasn't his own. Rougher, more Highlands than the remaining lilt of London that still sometimes found its way into his own voice.
"Such a flatterer, Tamlen," she said, and she laughed like bells. The feelings in his chest now were nothing but pure warmth, the flutters of infatuation that in truth, Carterhaugh knew all too well.
And as her laughter faded, so did the memory.
Carterhaugh shivered. There had been something about her eyes--fierce and golden and focused on him with such intent--that chilled him. And suddenly, he didn't want to be outside in the snow anymore.
"Let's go inside," he called to his wisp, and the little creature flew back over to him, following him down the path into the manor house. His footsteps carried him to the library again, but this time, he didn't head for the shelf he knew would take him to the Code's hidden resting place; instead, he wandered along the shelves, letting his fingers run over the books. The language seemed only vaguely familiar, but then, these books were over a thousand years old; certainly if they were even in English, it would be a version that Carterhaugh wouldn't even recognize. Like trying to read an original of Beowulf.
And yet, he found his fingers drawn to a particular scroll, dusty and tucked in with a number of others. He wasn't sure what made him touch it, what made him pull it gently from its place, but he did. His fingers ran over it, and he turned it over; just as mysterious to him as all the others, but that was well enough. Somehow, he knew what to do.
Gently, he touched the scroll to his crystal rose, and it glowed golden and vanished into the weapon, and Carterhaugh knew, deep down, that he had found something very lucky.
A little reward for coming home, he supposed.
He turned in the general direction of the room where he knew the Code was; perhaps it hadn't directly laid the scroll in his hands, and yet he still felt like ti was worth it to say a little "thank you" and give a wave in the direction of the secret room.
He would stay a little longer, he decided, and poke at some of the books. Maybe if he dug in enough, he might start recognizing words, or something. It'd be a wonder to be able to read them, to find whatever secrets he could in their pages.
And it would make for a fine start to his new year, dedicated to learning what he could about this place, which clearly needed someone to love it.
[wc: 1587 words]
