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 Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 4:54 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:42 pm
I wish I had Till as my lover roomate gonk heart well, that too >~>
Sorry Reech, but I think your prissyness would drive me crazy after a while sweatdrop
Nice story by the way. I also had to write a short story, and a sudden fiction, in my creative writing class. One had Paul and Till in it and the other had Paul and Schneider in it ^^.
I got A's on both of them, but the funny thing was, though, that my teacher thought that Till and Schneider were girls xd
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Herr Till Lindemann Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:43 pm
It's pretty good. The humor is rather good. I live with brothers so when Richard put the milk carton back in the frigerator, I made the same comment as your character "he did not just do that". Ugh. Guys can be so disgusting sometimes.
On the bad side... I have to comment about it! Being a writer and having taken creative writing, I must point out your flaws.
You have grammar issues. Run-on sentences is the first problem I see. Along with far too many color details in your sentences.
As an example: Then he looked at me sheepishly from under the towel, as he set his white tank top that was in his hands, on the black and silver marble kitchen counter.
Far too many colors. It confuses the reader. I'm serious. It really does. smile Since I suck at explaining things, I will rewrite the sentence.
He then, sheepishly glanced at me from under the towel as he set his tank top onto the two toned marble counter in the kitchen.
Same details but without giving colors. Also, I fixed the grammar. ^^ Because I am a**l like that. In addition, you never really give too many details to objects that aren't important parts to the story. Another tip for you!
Now, the story element. My god, I have too much free time on my hands. Anyways... your story moves a little too fast at the end. They act like goofy friends and at the end, sudden angst! Such a sudden drop kills a story. I would suggest using more subtle hints through out the whole story. You could do very simple things. Have her linger her gaze on him. A half-naked man you happen to like, would attract your eyesight no matter how long you have known them! You could also have her stumble over her words a bit. I used to do that a lot when I liked one of my friends. I'm such a dork...
Anyways... of course there is always room for improvement with any author. I have been writing for a LONG time, yet I can spot major improvements in my story. So, don't feel down that I point out mistakes. I only do it, so the next time you write, you get better and better, to the point where I can't point out any mistakes. The story is ok right now. Fix the mistakes I pointed out and it will be good. Keep improving it and it will be great. ^_^ <- My sad attempt as being a 'good' adviser.
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Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:46 pm
Ja, Till's better at writing reviews then I am......but I totally pwn when it comes descriptive writing, spelling, and viciously disturbing ideas ninja
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Herr Till Lindemann Captain
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Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:49 pm
Count_Milly Ja, Till's better at writing reviews then I am......but I totally pwn when it comes descriptive writing, spelling, and viciously disturbing ideas ninja
Thank you Milly! smile But, I am getting better at description and I have spell check! The disturbing ideas still pwn on your side.
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Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:52 pm
Herr Till Lindemann Count_Milly Ja, Till's better at writing reviews then I am......but I totally pwn when it comes descriptive writing, spelling, and viciously disturbing ideas ninja
Thank you Milly! smile But, I am getting better at description and I have spell check! The disturbing ideas still pwn on your side.
I still need to work on punctuation and paragraph spacing though ^^;
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Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:17 am
thanks guys sweatdrop i really like the constructive critisism. and with the colors...i have a book that says to be visual...i don't think they mean that visual. lol! and the run-on's...yeah...that could be worked on.
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Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 7:55 am
I think it's pretty good! A situation any fangirl would love to be in... XD
I can't really think of anything aside from what's already been covered to change... normally I'd go on about comma placement, the Grammarnazi that I am, but I can't find areas that need it. ^^ Good job! :3
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Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:29 am
MiwSheri
I think it's pretty good! A situation any fangirl would love to be in... XD
I can't really think of anything aside from what's already been covered to change... normally I'd go on about comma placement, the Grammarnazi that I am, but I can't find areas that need it. Good job! :3
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Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 5:03 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 4:20 pm
crying nobody wants to read it? that makes me sad...*hides in corner*
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Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 10:10 am
F*cking A- ! Awesome Sauce! *does happy dance*
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Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 4:49 pm
*continues happy dance* eek whoa...tired now!
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Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 1:48 pm
=oo
very good crying
*cries* crying
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:41 pm
eek really, you think it's that good? redface Thanks!
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