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demon words (W.I.P)

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I ate your Sex

PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 4:11 pm


Quote:

and it sprouted it's wings of gold

consumed by the haven of peace that it from came
to fly past horizen and learn truth to its name

But the demons that seeped from the mouths of the others, though small in size they are
each clung and hung to the heven sent thing, so it's climb was prevented from far

Each demon grasping on to the light, you couldn't get off with any of might

and for now the feathers pulled and plucked, the creature fell to the dirt and lost all gold
and for now all its sight grows dulled
and for now the lingering demons remain,
exsist to chant opinions in mist, so unsane

and another one fell to words


Please give me some things that i should fix, i really like this poem.
This was meant to be about violence through words
please tell me what you think
PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 5:04 pm


Well first haven implies peace. "of peace" can be removed. I assume that "from came" is a typo right? I'd just drop the "from". It's mostly a hinderence.

From their I need help. Could you describe what each line is supposed to mean that would help so I do not distort the meaning.

Archknight of the Dance


KillJoy444

PostPosted: Sun Oct 01, 2006 12:00 pm


If you want it to sound violent, I think you would have read something
violent to get an idea.
it sounds good, though i don't know what it means.

here is one of mine:

They go off marching
to wage war upon a distant land,
just so they can die in this time gone mad.

As I stand on the wind-blown field
counting the number of corpses,
nothing can be seen
except the bloodied face of the
Clock Tower;
it's impassive Hands annocing
when the end of the world
will come to pass.


if you want read more, go to my profile page.
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Critiques: Poem, Short Story, and Writing for Critiquing Forum

 
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