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 Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 7:24 am
A married couple were dining in a fine restaurant, the husband kept
looking at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.
The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that woman for some time now.
Do you know her?"
"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and has been drinking like that
since I left her seven years ago."
"That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I can't imagine that anybody
would celebrate that long."
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Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 7:34 am
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth Tower- Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Some one should go
tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive
stuff."
Two hours later he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed Replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?"
"Well not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
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Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 7:35 am
RING)
>
>**Pick Up**
>
>"Hello?"
>
>"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>
>"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
>
>After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an
>Uncle Paul."
>
>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"
>
>...... Brief Pause
>
>"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
>on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout
>to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>
>"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
>
>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did
>it, Daddy"
>
>"And what happened honey?" he asked
>
>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
>and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
>head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>
>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>
>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
>and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But
>I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
>clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
>
>***Long Pause***
>
>******Longer Pause******
>
>Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"
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Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:06 am
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
( Hahaha, I love stupid jokes like these. xD )
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Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:09 am
lol that was a good one XD
I would kill someone if they did that to my car lol.
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Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 7:12 pm
Ashmaster lol that was a good one XD I would kill someone if they did that to my car lol. you dont have a car xd but ditto if someone did that to mine
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Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 10:37 am
"Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"
rofl
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Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 11:07 am
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Telling your parents you're gay.
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Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 11:08 am
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
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Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 11:12 am
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 11:13 am
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "
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Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 11:13 am
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 6:55 am
Nature_of_silence Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? Shut up and eat your meat loaf. Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet. Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts. Shut up and eat what's put in front of you. Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child? Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards. Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child? Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
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Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 4:53 pm
Nature_of_silence As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this." hahah love it domokun
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Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 9:10 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Reply
