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This is inspired, yet again, by a dream I had. Why is Daron in everyone's dreams? I'm NOT taking requests, as this is going to be one without any guild member in it. Maybe there will be references to other fanfics, but there will be no guild-member characters. WARNING: This is a very obscene and very sexual story. If you don't like perverted things, than this should be the very last sentence you read in this fanfic.

1: Inspiration that Led to Rejection
On hiatus from System of a Down, Daron was having a brain fart. He couldn't think of things to do. "s**t." he thought. He was stoned, and a wave of thoughts came into his mind, mostly just... weird things, like... whoa man...

"Imma invent sumthin'..." he muttered. "Make the ladies happy, right?" Daron thought he wasn't alone. See what drugs do to you?

He drew blueprints for an acoustic guitar shaped like a circle that sounded "like something you'd hear in the bayou. He called this the Lord Lady Mangirl. He built it five or ten days later from a snare he stole from John and strings and neck/head thingy from a cheapo guitar from the thrift store. He sent his blueprints to the US Patents office. Four weeks later, Daron got a letter from the US Patents Office:

"Dear Mr. Daron Malakian,

Thank you for your application. We are sorry, but your application has been rejected. This has already been patented, under the name of 'banjo'..."

"What the ********? A banjo? Sounds gay!"

Daron crumpled his letter of rejection, but uncrumpled it, because he wanted to show it to Serj.



2: Another Invention without Intention
Serj Tankian tsked and pat Daron's back. "I just can't believe it," griped Daron, "All this time, and for what? I invent something already existing. I thought the L. L. Mangirl was awesome! But, no! This ******** goes to the future and takes my ideas and goes home with them."

Serj thought for a minute, and as he did so, Daron smacked his head and said, without gathering his thoughts completely "I gotta make something really practical. Like... for girls... and stuff..." Serj inquired, "What else could a girl want?"
Daron stoner-laughed, "Hey man, you sound like a girl!"
With a falsetto voice, Serj squealed, "What else could a girl want, cutie?"
"Hm... Cutie... That should be the name, but spelled... um... K-Y-O-O-T-E-E-Y and... shaped like, um... a cootie, but it really goes in their, you know... their cooter."
"Hm! Yeah! A tampon shaped like a bug if you pull the string! An STD!"
"YEEEAH!!"

Daron went straight to work. He went to buy a box of tampons and plastic bugs from the dollar store. The clerk, staring at him as he set his items on the counter, ready to check out. Daron bluffed, "It's for my kids."

At home, he got his scissors and tape ready. He cut a tampon in half, placed a plastic bug inside, and taped it back together. He found red food coloring and dipped the top in it, and showed it to Serj, without saying anything. "Daron? What have told you about going through the neighbors' trash when you're high?"
"Man, I'm not high. Just pull the string, man. Trust me."
Serj, with hesitation, pulled the string. It did nothing.
"Daron, this is cute."
"Really?"
FALSETTO VOICE!!: "Of course! It's so cute!"
"Thank you! I'm gonna make more things with tampons. I think I've found my medium, you know?"
"... I've found my large..."
"What?"
"Nothing."

Daron sent in this invention to the US Patents Office, but still, no patent.
"What the ******** am I to do? What the ******** do girls really want?"

He lay awake that night... thinking... playing music in his mind... thinking... Suddenly! Inspiration!

Morning time. Daron's eyes were bloodshot. He had made it... An electric toothbrush motor, inserted in three tampons, and when you pulled the string, it closed the circuit so it could vibrate.

"SERJ! I'VE MADE A DISPOSABLE VIBRATOR!"
"Are you going to use it?"
"No. I'm going to give it to that opera-singing girl down the road from your house... Oh man. I'm... tired."
"Daron, maybe you should sleep."
"No ma--"
"Ma?"
"ZZZZzzzzzzzz"

Daron just up and fell asleep. o_o
3: The Lady

So, Daron was sleeping on his invention, when Shavo Odadjian visted and thought it would be funny to pull the string. "BZZZZ!zzzzzzzZZZZZzzz...!" went the tampon. "********!" went the Daron. The disposable d***o was alive! IT WAS GONNA EAT DARON HOLY s**t! Shavo was stoner-laughing and running to hide behind Daron.
"What the ******** are you... wait," Daron started, "this... is not my house." he saw clowns, mice, and... DUN DUN DUNNNN! Five quarters! He smelled bacon and chocolate and he felt someone shaving his beard, then his entire head! "WHAT. THE... Oh hey! Bacon!" He grabbed the bacon and started eating it, but it started to fizz in his mouth. "That's the way I like my bacon fat. Fizzy."

Daron awoke. He found that he was actually chewing Alka-Seltzer, something you should never do. He spat it out, and he found the source of the bacon smell...
"Shavo? What are you doing behind me?"
"Uh..."
"Why do you smell like bacon?"
"Uh..."
"Shavo? HELLO? Wakey-wakey, hands off snakey!"
"OH MAN. WHAT? YOU SAW?"
"Yeah. I saw you right behind me."
"Oh. Waiiiit... that was a dream? Never mind."
"What? A dream? You know, I had a dream."
"Oh yeah?"
"AND YOU SMELL LIKE BACON!"
"What the ********? Oh... Yeah. Heh."

WHY DOES SHAVO SMELL LIKE BACON? thought Daron. Then Daron said, "Get up." Shavo whined, and then got up. Shavo was sitting on a plate of bacon. "You've been hoarding all the bacon for your a**?" Daron asked, suspiciously. Shavo whined, "It's so that when I fart, you wouldn't recognize me!" Daron chuckled, and said, "Oh... yeah... You do have a recognizable smell..."




"Hm. Great idea." Daron said, slightly annoyed. He needed to sell it. Maybe not for money, but just for laughs. He dressed up as a Mormon, complete with a nametag and a messenger bag filled with who-knows-what and his little toy. He rode a bike to Serj's neighborhood, for that is what good Mormon missionaries do. He came by Serj's house. There was a bit of a family reunion going on. He soon passed by, looking for the house of the opera-singing lady.

Finally, after one flat tire and 20 minutes wasted, he arrived at the "stupid c**t's house." He was sweaty and stinky, but he had made it. He walked up to the driveway, but some old lady went to the door first. He stood there, waiting, and listened to what she was saying to the "stupid c**t who had pins on the road on purpose."

"Join us... or be cursed to the pits of hell, infidel! Copyright Lord Jehovah 2089. All rights reserved."

Daron gasped, "HOLY s**t IT'S A ROBOT FROM FUTURE!" He ran as fast as his little (Heehee. Shorty) legs could take him to the front door where the Jehovabot was found. He tapped the Jehovabot's shoulder and punch it in the face. It toppled over and started shaking violently. "YOU ARE THE ENEMY!" it said in a voice that sounds a lot like the robot boss in Star Fox 64. Thinking the fastest he has ever done, he stepped inside the robot. Jehovabot short-circuited and with it's last dying function, it blorped, "Where is the creator?" Daron looked at the lady, introduced himeself as "Joshua Adams" and stood there, staring at the flowers in the garden next to him.

The opera-singing woman, silent for the entire scene, finally spoke. "I never knew Mormons were robot-destroying martial arts masters and Jehovah's Witnesses like Star Fox 64 so much." Her eyes were wide with shock as she said this. She shook her head, seeming to get back to normal. She said, "Well... I'm... not interested in religion..." Daron replied, "Well... Um... I have a free gift that isn't the Book of Mormon this time..."

MEANWHILE... in the year 2089...

"What? He just killed our plans of world domination! DAMN THOSE MORMONS!" said Lord Jehovah. "Anna Ohura! Fetch me the newspaper!" Anna Ohura, the famed Japanese porn star, replied, "I'm NOT your dog." Anna did what she was told, anyways, because Lord Jehovah is the glory of God in man-form. Er, at least he SAYS he is. She didn't want him to smite her. That includes a lot of painful positions and the constant locking and unlocking of a chastity belt. Dirty old man. D:<

BACK TO 2006... inside the Lady Down the Road's home down the road.

"So, um, yeah. I'm not really a Mormon... I just decided to dress up as one so fangirls don't follow me," Daron explained. "But, um, I want you to test this for me." He shuffled around his bag, pulling out a bunch of socks, until he found the "little toy" and shoved it into The Lady's hands.
"Um. Daron? This is just a tampon."
"Just... put it in your hoohoo."
"My what?"
"You know... that place where... the peepee goes... in."

Daron was pretty embarrassed. Obviously, he hadn't had his weed yet, so being the shy and distant person he is, his face flushed to a bright pink, then got darker to red. "So, I know where a tampon goes. What's so special about it?" the Lady asked with a very perplexed, yet unimpressed tone. Daron cleared his throat. "Well, ma'am, once you insert it into your... thingy, pull the string, and it vibrates! Perfect for when you're on the rag and reeeeeally horny!" Opera-lady, who shall remain without a real name for the entire story, considered this for a bit. Finally, she said, "You want me to be your guinea pig? Well... It better not give me toxic shock syndrome or shock me for that matter!" Daron laughed, and said, "I'll pay for the hospital bills."

"So, uh, you want me to try it now?" Opera-lady asked with a smirk.
"Yeah... You can just put it in in the bathroom... Just tell me how it is."
"Heehee. If it works, then I don't have to tell you--You'd hear me."
"..."
"What?"
"I popped a boner."
"Oh my."
"GO ON WITHOUT ME! I'll be here awaiting your return."

Opera-lady went to the bathroom, giggling and proud because she caused the boner of The Sex God in Mormon Form. Daron was deep purple with embarrassment, and was sitting quietly, yet he had the oddest of thoughts going through. "...Can I clean up here, or should I wait for her?"

4: Lord Jehovah's Past
In 1990, there was a lovely little boy born. His name was Kevin Stich. He was friends with few people during his childhood, until he started becoming "cute," "hot," and "sexy" to his peers. What was so sexy about him, though? He never showered! Grunge chic? Blech. He was always an odd fellow, though. He air-humped his best friend's girlfriend's best friend, Caitlin, whom had a crush on him in seventh grade until she went gaga about her current boyfriend when her heart was crushed by Kevin.

Kevin Stich grew up to be...

NOT LORD JEHOVAH! HAHA! I fooled ya!

o_o;; 5: The Results
Opera-singing lady was getting ready. She had all of these thoughts going through her mind... "Will this shock me in more than one way?" You know. TSS, electrical shock, and shockingly great pleasure. "I hope I don't die. If I die, I'm suing! Wait..."

She... inserted and stuff... pulled the string. She made lawn mower sounds as she was pulling the string. She heard Daron laughing.

Daron was sitting in the strangely furnished living room. It was tribal mask after another, complete with a room for praying. "Must be into that new age stuff... Hrm..." thought the Daron.

"WHOA. That was NUTS!!"
The Opera Lady burst out of the door, a little sweaty-looking. "That was... I think it tried to eat me!" Daron quickly zipped up his pants and said quickly, "Uh, yeah! Yeah, yeah. You know, I think I should be going now. I've got to go and... I-I-Iiii... gotta go do some Scars on Broadway stuff." Opera Lady had a sly look on her face. "You're going nowhere, buster brown. You're staying here for the night. You got me this way, now you have to get me out... and beyond, baby." She winked and unbuttoned her shirt. "You're allowed to have sex, right? You know, if you don't tell the Mormon Church, I won't tell~" She tossed her hair back as she said this, and continued, "Will this be your first time?" Poor Daron was trapped. The masks around the house seemed to be telling him that if he didn't do her, he'd be doomed by whatever she worships. He was scared. "Well, is it?" Opera Lady persisted. "Um. You don't want sex with me," Daron wimpered, "because... I've--" Opera Lady interrupted with a horny laugh, "Oh baby, don't speak... It's that cult you're in, right sexy? It strips the confidence away from you. Your lack of experience is so sexy. Sexy... Oh... I'll take you to the closest to heaven you've ever been." Daron thought, "s**t. I'm gonna almost die, right? OH CRAP I HAVE AN ERECTION TOO. No faking there. Sigh. Well... I can't anger her mask--OH s**t THERE GOES MY PANTS."

XXX

"JEHOVABOT. . . REBUILD. DESTROY, DESTROY! DO A BARREL. . . R . . . OLL!" Guess who's back? Back again! Jehovabot's come for revenge! Unfortunately, the only "enemy" he saw was Opera Lady.


"Oh, you Mormon boy, your body is the perfect example of human anatomy," said the whore, who was somehow clad in leather, and she continued, "You know? You should have that p***s on a poster... in every health class. I'd be so happy to get a copy though." Opera Lady Whore forced a kiss onto Daron's lips, and went downwards from there... On his chin, on his neck, on his chest, on his tummy wummy, downwards to his whats-it-wee-wee, and she was about to bite (O____O!!!!) when Daron finally decided to put his foot down and clearly announced, "Fellatio."
"Mormon boy, you want some of that? Is that what you've been wanting? Who taught you that kind of Italian? You're speakin' my language."
This lady never shuts the ******** up.

THE DOOR BURST OPEN AND A LOT OF BULLETS AND BIBLES CAME FLYING IN AND THERE WAS A FOG MACHINE AND BOOM! Opera Lady died. The masks started glowing. They started floating, and there were all of these neat voices, man, and they formed into a pair of chachas and they were really big and hot and then the robot destroyed those too, man. [/Mexican guy]


TO BE MUTHATRUCKIN' CONTINUED, BYOTCH!!!11!!!

... INSPIRATION!

Small update.

Angel, if you really want to take over, then go ahead. I've just given up on that. Too complicated for me. :/

Updated, slightly. surprised

Daron finally invents his disposable tampon!

He's not trusting the US Patents Office this time. OFF TO CANADA!

Lmao. Tampons. XDDD
That reminds me...Today, in gym, me and my friends were playing with tampons. gonk (As immature as it sounds) We asked this boy Brian, to go to the office and get us some (I only had one in my bag) We wetted them (with water O_o; ), and threw them at the wall...They stuck like glue. XDD And, we were playing hot potato with them... XD Funny.

XDD
Did he fall asleep, holding the d***o?
o_o;;

OKAY UPDATE~ surprised

Can you guess what Shavo was doing?