I like the rymes that you used and how you describe the sun. I love how the description of the sun fits into the poem's meaning.
Two things that I'd suggest: 1. Breaking it into two stanzas (four lines in each) and 2. I was slightly confused with that part about the main character holding the sword. It seemed like he or she was trying to defend themself and were about to fight when they "bring it down" but, suddenly, giving up and falling into the darkness.
That's just me though. smile
rachlarn
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Kesna
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 7:05 pm
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Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 8:30 am
This is very well written. I agree that it might be better in two stanzas, but it can stand well as it is. I understood that she was committing suicide. I suppose if it needed to be clearer you could say "my life's bands".
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