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 Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 4:41 am
Not a Cinderella Story
Drowning in thoughts of you
Dreaming a fantasy, dreaming a lie
hoping to hear that you love me too
The fact that you dont is why i cry
Another day ending with a sigh
What happens when he's your prince charming
But youre not his Cinderella?
Surely it doesnt end in happily ever after
Cant you see I'm trying?
Dreaming that one day you'll care about me
But why do i dream if its never gonna happen?
I'm not blind, its very easy to see
I'm getting my hopes up, once again
I tried to forget you, but I guess I forgot to (again)
What happens when he's your prince charming
But youre not his Cinderella?
Surely it doesnt end in happily ever after
Cant you see I'm dying?
Please save me
My wicked step sisters are being much too cruel
I have no fairy god mother to make me pretty
Hurry before things get unbearable...
What kind of happily ever after is this?
((I know, sappy, it sucks...))
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Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 3:25 pm
I like the feeling it's trying to create and I think a lot of people can relate to it. The two things that I would fix are
1. Grammer
2. The flow
The grammer is easy to fix. Just certain things like capatilizing 'I'. And I think that, instead of a comma, there's a semi-colon in the line:
Dreaming a fantasy, dreaming a lie
So it'd be:
Dreaming a fantasy; dreaming a lie
And the flow thing. What I mean by that is, at some points, it sounds like it could come from a time when everything was really literate like the first stanza. But then, in the last line, it sounds like it's a more modern Cinderella.
The second thing is just me, though and, if you were to do anything about it, you could go either way. Everything else is pretty good. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 3:45 pm
i like it, its nice and true....
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Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 3:36 pm
I like the feel of the poem and the image behind it, but, as Rachlarn said, I would fix the flow. Rhyming is awesome if you keep the rhythm right but takes away from the poem when the rhythm is off. On the other hand, I can imagine someone singing it, and singing sometimes takes away from the fact that the beat to the rhyming is a bit off. ^.^ Over all, I'd say "Good job." You have a good start. Improve it and it will be awesome. ^.^
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Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 11:45 am
Yeah, like they said, flow.
I could see it as a song sometmies, but the flow was just a little off.
I liked the idea and could relate to it, though. Good job.
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Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:08 pm
A little on the flow and grammar but the flame-level seriously does not compare to your poem's awesomeness. I mean, it's like little critique mouse to the giant elephant of coolness! And mice are afraid of elephants razz Yeah, I know, I make no sense- I'm kind of a lateral thinker... oh well! Awesome poem!
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