Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'm not really sure where this belongs. It's been a long time since I posted here, so forgive me if I'm wrong.

Okay here we go. This is my first piece of writing in a while, and I'm afraid I've rather lost my touch. I just pulled this together for a contest, but I'd like a little feedback on it too. I would have made it a little longer, but there was a word limit. Maybe I'll add to it later.

Edit:
For those of you who still don't know my new screenname... I used to by cyberwitch-2006.
<33

Genre: Mild Horror
Age(optional): 15
Word Count: Around 1,000 3nodding
Title: Betrayal
Rating: Guidance- Language and a little death.

I knew I had to get back to him. I felt it in the way my hands clenched by my side, in the way my breath came in short sharp gasps of sadness, longing, and the hearty throb of the blood pulsing through my veins. I knew that if I didn?t get to him, soon, I would lose him. Lose him for good. I could not let that happen.

A summer breeze fluttered past my face, murmuring words of hope. This was my last chance. My feet padded softly on the roadside, dust flying around me as I pulled at my clothes and tugged at my hair. Just another step, just one, and I'd be there. The-

"Oh." I sighed in amazement at the house in front of me. I'd seen it before, but long ago, in my dreams. A deep craving hit my gut, recoiled and made my stomach flip-flop. I grabbed my skirts and started towards Tepson Manor. My heart filled with anxiety as I realised what I was to do. Yearning for him slammed into my brain, a hazy cloud of lust, and anger towards her made me feel sick. I had to do this.

I lifted my hand up and knocked.
"God help her." I whispered, "And hell prepare the way."




Inside the manor I felt like a different person. Graceful, beautiful and nothing like the poor filthy urchin I had once been. I scaled the stairs with a passion I never knew I could possess. Holding a black mask in my left hand which was intricately laced with deep velvet ribbon. I heard very little, knowing that I could not get distracted, but how does one disappear in a crowd that is intent on viewing her every movement?

I turned to the gathering crowd at the foot of the stairs. A fake smile plastered on my pretty oval face. My blue eyes dancing with excitement as I curtsied deeply. His father was watching, smiling as I stood before him.

"Ah." I said. "Good evening. How nice it is to be back among you. I can finally say I am ready." They didn't know who I was. A small smirk from me then, and a few gentle nods from my audience to confirm my suspicion: they thought I was her.

"Before I... Mingle, should we say? I think I may go greet my future husband. He is sure to wonder where I am." I turned on my heel, feeling their watchful eyes upon the hem of my crimson gown, and stepped away behind the curtain.

Finding them was simple. Of course she was with him. It wasn't just knowing where to go, because I heard them before I had chance to actually look anywhere. The corridor was dark; oil lamps turned down low. I pulled my cloak around me despite the warmth of the night and the sweat on my brow. Silently I bent down, as if to examine my shoe, or the hem of my gown, whilst casually leaning towards the door.

"Tell me again Jer. Tell me about her." I heard a muffled female voice behind the thick oak door, and shuddered.

"Tell you?"

"Yes. I want to hear the story about her again."

I could just imagine it. She would be seated in his lap, curling a strand of golden hair around her finger; her sparkling eyes alight with joy. He'd be sat, content with her, smiling.

"Where to begin. I suppose the child. She always was like her mother, a whore-" I bit back a shout. Clasping my hand over my mouth, the pretence of examiner forgotten. How dare he bring up Isobel, our daughter, as if she were a demon child? I snarled and stood from my crouch. She would not get away with this!

I brushed my hair back from my face and slammed through the door. A creak as the door swung open announced my arrival, and sure enough there she was, seated most comfortably in his lap.

"Kasey, dear! What a surprise! We thought we'd never see you again!" Jeremy nodded as she stood up and smoothed out her brilliant golden gown. I snarled again.

"You whore! You common market thieving WHORE!" I spat, spraying my anger into her amused face.

"Kasey!" Jeremy was outraged.

"Yes Jeremy? You want to say something? Well how about I say it first?" I dropped my mask to the floor, forgotten. "Where did I go? Why did I go? Well you know very well why I was gone. She is killing you Jer! I love you, and you loved me. Just look at Isobel-"

"Don't you give me that, b***h. You know very well I love Jeremy. That child is a b*****d?"

Finally, I reached the point where I could hear no more. Fury and pent-up frustration boiled through me, and without regret I knew what I had to do. Reaching in my cloak Emily's eyes widened as she saw what I was about to do.

"Jeremy- Stop her!" Her voice was panicked, her eyes bright with fear. I smiled.

"Even he can't save you now. You know that. In fact, you've always known that." Before either of the couple could speak or react, I swung at Emily with as much strength as I could muster. Red liquid squirting from her neck as she fell to the floor, gurgling as blood ran into her throat.

Jeremy died faster. I made sure of that. The poor young man who had fathered my child, and lain with another woman, was still that poor, beautiful man. Peaceful and quiet as I pulled away from him.

As I walked to the door, my heart hammering in my chest, I knew I had lost him. But, I reminded myself; I had gained something much more precious.

Revenge.

"No friend of mine will lay with my man." I said to her, as she lay dying.
"You should know that. After all, I know my brother well."

Just a little info on it would be great.
Very appreciated. ^.^
<3

heart

Heya! Here with a review for you!
Eh, I think that rhythmed... oh well, here we go!

Okay, lets start with the good! I really like the punctuation you used in this- I think you did it very well and were able to create quite a bit of suspense. I also think you did a great job introducing your main character and describing the party. Also, I liked the ending, though honestly the last line confused me...

Now, I can't really comment on quotes because I got a bit confused since my computer has decided it will replace all quotations with question marks... but some major things I noticed were just missing words, such as a 'the' before 'change' somewhere half-way through the piece. Also, to be quite honest I was a tad bit confused by the revelation that she was disguised as the girl she wanted to murder... is that right? Oh, and the dialogue at the end though it did convey the message was still a bit confusing.

Overall, I like it though! Especially since I didn't expect her to kill the guy also. That was a twist which I really liked.

Yeah, I read it and I was like, 'wait, are they siblings or is she talking about something completely different?', but as I said it still got the point across.

I understand about the question marks. It's very frustrating when they appear and you try to get rid of them but they just won't go away!

Definately an interesting piece!

The question marks make things a little awkward, but that could be fixed easily by going through and manually replacing them with the quotes. For some reason, Gaia doesn't like to insert quotes when you copy paste.

The idea behind this was fantastic, but I agree with you that it was too short. You didn't have the time to develop the back story it really needed to give it the power it would otherwise have. You did, however, do an excellent job of characterization within such a short story. I got a definate feel for each of the characters and their personalities.

Definately got confused, though. The mask, the incest... It all seemed just a little haphazzard to me, which is an unfortunate consequence of writing within a word limit. confused