|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 4:08 pm
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
How you've wished
The p***k would die!
His corpse by you
Blood running by.
Life leaving
His ******** eyes
His dying breath
Will be your prize.
Deep inside
Desire churns.
Mentally, scenes
Go by in turns.
Madness takes
Hold of your will
You lift the knife
It's time to kill.
Raising it
Above your head
Without a cry
He falls, now dead.
A crimson blade
in steady hands
you move to do
desire's demands.
They find you
There beside his form
Blood on your hands
His flesh torn.
Years go by
The hour comes
They stand by you
With loaded guns.
The needle
Enters with your death
You glare at them
With slowing breath.
The pulse stops
There is no more
Careful- careful
What you wish for.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 8:21 am
Quite creepy. It's a good topic. You might split it into stanzas, however, so that it is easier to read. I saw a few spelling mistakes (corps should be corpse) and Gaia stuck in the weird symbols when you pasted it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 7:35 pm
yay thanx.. I know i'm wierd... >.<
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:44 am
Oooo. I like it.
Reason why I never killed anyone: *points above*
That, and it's very bad karma...hence the ending. ^.^
Your poem has a very nice rhythym and a pretty steady rhyme scheme. I believe you go back and forth between seven and eight beats per two lines, which works well, since it's only one syllable off. Very nice.
It's a poem that speaks a true message as well. ^.^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 4:38 pm
Wow, that was pretty intense. I loved your rhythm- I thought it was solid and flowed extremely well. As I mentioned, it was very intense, though the profanity at the beginning seemed unnecessary. I like how this piece not only flowed well, but told a full story.
It's very good as is and the only thing I could really see you changing or adding is the reason why the person had to die. We know that it's because of hatred, but where does it stem from? I love how you told of action and consequence, but what action did the person take to lead to him having to die? Leaving it suspenseful is good, so the addition is not necessary, but that was one thing I asked myself while reading.
Overall I thought it was very well done. Great job!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 1:22 pm
Cereah Wow, that was pretty intense. I loved your rhythm- I thought it was solid and flowed extremely well. As I mentioned, it was very intense, though the profanity at the beginning seemed unnecessary. I like how this piece not only flowed well, but told a full story. It's very good as is and the only thing I could really see you changing or adding is the reason why the person had to die. We know that it's because of hatred, but where does it stem from? I love how you told of action and consequence, but what action did the person take to lead to him having to die? Leaving it suspenseful is good, so the addition is not necessary, but that was one thing I asked myself while reading. Overall I thought it was very well done. Great job! one of hte things I like about this one is that I could give the reader a chance go guess. One reason to die might not be a good one to someone else so they can fill in the blank to make the poem more real to them... or at least that's my thought process... ^^"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:09 pm
Kesna Cereah Wow, that was pretty intense. I loved your rhythm- I thought it was solid and flowed extremely well. As I mentioned, it was very intense, though the profanity at the beginning seemed unnecessary. I like how this piece not only flowed well, but told a full story. It's very good as is and the only thing I could really see you changing or adding is the reason why the person had to die. We know that it's because of hatred, but where does it stem from? I love how you told of action and consequence, but what action did the person take to lead to him having to die? Leaving it suspenseful is good, so the addition is not necessary, but that was one thing I asked myself while reading. Overall I thought it was very well done. Great job! one of hte things I like about this one is that I could give the reader a chance go guess. One reason to die might not be a good one to someone else so they can fill in the blank to make the poem more real to them... or at least that's my thought process... ^^" yeah, I luved it, it was so good. I understand why the person died too. b/c the person killed someone else. U did a very good job, though. I luv it!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
![[Arashi Kitsune]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/fa/a1/218b87ca3fa1fa_flip.png?t=1233115403_6.00_11)
