Welcome to Gaia! ::

Yeah, I havn't been on here in forever because school's been so hectic. Anyway, I've abandoned my previous attemt so, if a mod would like to delete it, be my guest. (I don't exactly know if I can delete it). Well, this is one of the only things we got to write in Language Arts this year and, since our teacher doesn't know anything about Lang. Arts and everything about history, she didn't exactly comment on it. She just gave me a grade and went on with it. So, please critique!

Warrior's Land

Wham! I had tripped over the long grasses and landed flat onto my face. In my panick, everything that didn't matter was thrown out while everything that did was only magnified. The screams were gone and the footsteps of my persuer grew louder and farther apart. Thankfully, Joe leaped over me and continued to run off, throwing off the girls that would have captured me. I didn't waste any time as I crawled through the wet, slimy mud on my belly towards the small creek not too far off. As I crept into a cave of gray, stick-like branches (part of a tree next to the creek), I silently thanked God for making me wear my gray hoodie. This would give me some time for a breather before I had to leap into action yet again.

The snow fell down softly and silently outside of my small haven. If I wasn't in the middle of my first battle, I would have fallen asleep at the pure silence of the nature around me. But all I had to do was think about how to get it. How could I get the thing that my army could not live without without getting captured and thrown into a prison myself? As I sat there, calmly waiting for any sign of another human, I remembered what I had gone through in order to get here.

It had started probably about twenty minutes ago (I didn't have a watch and my cell was. . . lost). Our commander had been choosing our positions carefully. I was new so, of coarse, she gave me the crap shoot position of a guard. I acted like I was modest and looked at my feet while I kicked the mud and confessed, "I'm not very fast."

She huffed impatiently, "Fine. Just come with me and watch for people. If you see one of the enemy, scream and point and someone who can actually catch them can do something about it."

I shrugged. It would keep me on my toes which was a good thing considering the fact that the assassins game was still going on.

The assassins game was a cleverly devised game where everyone got a name on a small slip of paper and had to peg that person without anyone seeing. I was one of the triumphant three left as well as the only girl and freshman left in the game. Bill was after me now and he was good. We had been rivals ever since we had the five hour show down with the board game 'RISK'. He had won but that only made me want to take him out more. Now, I was determined to be the last one standing.

Our commander led me to a place with high grass where I could sit patiently and out of sight until our enimies grew wrestless and decided to venture over. "Just don't screw us over, Enright," she hissed angrily, knowing that she had to put one of the people she knew was good into the guard position.

I just nodded and sat down. I sat there for a good ten minutes of complete boredom before enemies started to venture towards us and I had to start yelling my brains out. Before long, after more than half of them were captured, they were calling us the 'Red Scare'. It fit.

Soon enough, our commander came back to me. She needed a scape goat to go into enemy territory and find their treasure. I, unfortunately, fit the description. She forced me over the immaginary line between our territories and I sulked away. The only reason I didn't want to be there was because my two best friends Amethyst and Alyssa had joined the other side. I didn't want to face them.

As I walked through the fields, I realized that the only way I could get our commander to take me seriously was to get the treasure by myself. I would have started looking then if I hadn't suddenly heard yelling from the mountain above that I had just come from. I looked around to see Joe jumping up and down screaming, "MOLLY!!! RUN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!"

I looked back to see what I had dreaded; Amethyst and Alyssa were running right for me. Age old instinct took over as I began to run faster than I ever had in my entire life, getting far enough ahead to look over my shoulder and. . . trip.

I opened my eyes. It was still snowing from when I had first crawled here, under this silent torture chaimber of a hideous waiting game. A voice that made me jump sounded close by. I recognised as Joe's. He was looking for me. But I held my breath and waited for him to leave back to our camp. I found myself grinning as I whispered, "Now I'm dead to both sides. Good."

I got up and wiped off my jeans unsuccessfully and followed the creek further behind enemy lines to a large river. I followed it north, failing to stay behind the skinny aspen trees but keeping low enough that the bushes swallowed me from view. And then, I found it. The treasure was right there; right through the enemy camp.

It was on the river bank but at a place surrounded by poison oak, mud, and prickly bushes. I might have been dedicated to my side but I wasn't that dedicated. It was only being guarded by one person at the moment which was odd considering that it was the one thing that could win the battle and the war. I found my answer at the top of the mountain above. The red army was drawing in for attack.

As the two sides clashed in the camp before me, I used the chaos to my advantage and slid down the bank to the treasure, ripping the treasure out of the ground. I slipped upwards and into the battle where I ran proudly with the treasure over my head waving in the wind. But I would only make it five steps.

I felt something hit my back. I was a pain that none but the defeated could know that pierced my soul like a hundred poison daggers. I fell to my knees with an emptiness in my eyes until I realized that my assassination was personal and I now needed to worry about the masses instead of the few.

I threw the treasure to Bill: the nearest person I could find on my side. The neon orange bandana tied to a normal stick never looked so amazingly beautiful. He caught it and ran back to our side where our team cheered happily. We had won the battle.

I walked up to them shortly afterwards and handed them the red band that had been tied around my arm as they cheered me for winning them the game. I laughed and said, "Sorry guys. I can't stay for another game. I'm too tired to play Capture the Flag anymore."

And so it was that I returned back to the warm cabin with Amethyst and Alyssa victorious.

Heya, I figured I would start with the good. I really like your first two paragraphs. They really intrigue the reader and draw them in, making them want to keep reading. I also like the amount of detail you put into things and your use of punctuation.

On the other hand, however, the middle is somewhat confusing. You somewhat lose the suspense you have when you go to the cheerful flashback. Maybe if it was placed a bit later it would be better, but it seemed like the flow was interrupted so abruptly I wondered if she was signing up for a battle or an after school activity.

Overall, it was good, and I would love to read more!

I liked your voice in this. I think your voice is your strength here. I think you
wrote extremely well. My only say would be to expand and make it longer.
I'm positive you could write it longer!! ^_~