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The Defendant: SupaSexcPotterChiq

Accused of: Appalling Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation

After the dramatic conclusion of the first fanfiction trial, the courtroom is again packed with spectators. Ms. Canon is again seated at the prosecution table, unruffled by the media attention. At the defense table, another teenage girl, as they seem to be the most common offenders. Younger than the first defendant, she looks defiant. She is wearing a very short skirt and shoes with 3 inch soles.

Again, a hush falls as the judge, Albus Dumbledore enters. He smiles warmly at Ms. Canon, and then turns to the defendant.

“You are the author known as SupaSexcPotterChiq?”

“yah so” She replies defiantly.

“You stand accused of having appalling spelling, grammar, and punctuation, making your fic unreadable to anyone who speaks standard English. How do you plead?”

“i dunno wut ur talkin bout” The girl replies.

Dumbledore raises his eyebrows at Ms. Canon. “Dear me, I think we may need a translator for this one. Well, I think she was trying to say “not guilty”, so let’s proceed. Ms. Canon?”

“Thank you Sir. I’d like to call the Defendant.”

The girl, dressed in clothes entirely inappropriate for her age, approaches the stand. When she is seated, our young lawyer looked at her pensively.

“Are you American?” She finally asks.

“lik duh”

“So it is safe to assume your first language is English?”

“wuteva”

Desperately, Ms. Canon looks to Dumbledore.

“Please answer these questions with a yes or no Miss.” He instructs.

“Are you aware of a feature on your computer known as “spell check”? I believe it comes standard on most word processing programs.”

The girl looks completely blank. Ms. Canon sighs.

“Are you the author of the fic called Hary n 6th yer?”

“yeah”

“With the court’s permission I will read the summary exactly as it appears.” She clears her throat. “hary n ron n hermoinie r n ther 6 yer so i totaly suk @ summaries but mah fic iz rily kewl so ya RR k? hary rulz n iz HOTT.” Ms. Canon set down the paper containing the summary as though it was highly distasteful. “Let me ask you,” She began delicately. “Have you actually read the Harry Potter books?”

“duh no cuz readin sukz but i wen 2 da moovies”

A murmur goes through the courtroom, mostly because they cannot understand what she said. But those who did understand are appalled.

Ms. Canon has the look of a person trying very hard to maintain her patience. “Will you please give us an outline of the plot of your fic?”

“wut”

“The plot, Miss. Surely your fic has a plot?”

“wuts dat”

“What happens in the fic?” She says, through her clenched teeth.

“o hary n ron n herminoe goez bak 2 hogwortz 4 der 6th yer n dey fite Volmedrot n dey falz n luv”

Helplessly, Ms. Canon turns to Dumbledore. “Sir, I don’t even know what else to ask. Clearly she’s illiterate.” She considers her notes. “It would seem that throughout the fic the only words she actually managed to spell correctly were “no” and “ron”, although at several points she does refer to said character as “rupert”, which I believe is the name of the actor portraying him in the films. And I suppose you might say she managed to spell “I” correctly, although that is debatable given her lack of capitalization.” She picks up a sheet of parchment marked in green ink. “I would like to read a letter I received today in relation to this case. Dear Ms. Canon and Headmaster, While previous engagements prevent us from attending the trial taking place today, we would like to express our support for the service you are doing for the wizarding world. Fics such as the one to be discussed in the courtroom are the sort that promote the myth that all fancfiction writers are teenage illiterates. We, along with our creator Ms. Rowling, welcome fics that observe the proper linguistic rules and treat ourselves and our fellow characters with respect. We applaud you for knowing the difference. Sincerely, Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger.”

Dumbledore turns to the author. “Miss, do you have anything else to say in your own defense?”

“u pplz r lam”

“Quite. Well, I think that is all we need to hear.” He bangs the gavel with undisguised enjoyment. “Guilty on all counts!”

The Verdict: Guilty



The Sentence: The convicted author is sentenced to return to the first grade and repeat all schooling in the hope that this time she will grasp the basic rules of English.