Welcome to Gaia! ::

Foreword

If you've finally finished reading all thousand whatever pages of the prequel to this book I really feel sorry for you. Basically all you need to know is that Steve Corino is God, Jesus is a worrying pansy, and Ricky Christ is the greatest illegitimate son ever. Also, if you're easily offended then PLEASE go back to criticizing the hell out of some other work of fiction. Mainly The Da Vinci Code or the other book with this title. K THX

Flask 1: Good Riddance, Great Hard Gay

Looking upon the foot of Mt. Olympus Jesus, second and by far the most popular, son of Corino sighs slightly. Climbing to the peak of the mountain isn't a task unachievable by the son of Corino, it's just one that he would rather not go through with. Nevertheless Jesus begins his journey with thoughts of his father sitting far above the clouds filling his head. Hour after hour passes as Jesus curses his inability to be uber awesome like his father and gets closer to his destination. Finally, with one last big push the Messiah reaches the summit and finds himself on his knees in front of his father.

"Forgive me Father...I have failed you." Jesus says softly, out of breath and energy.

From his throne made out of streamers and the power of Old School Steve Corino rises to his feet. Covered in a robe of yellow and red that shimmers like an amalgam of gold and rubies Corino walks up to his son and signals for him to raise his head.

"Forgiveness, my son, was your mistake. Not mine." Corino replies.

With this Corino drags Jesus up to his feet, turning him around and placing him into an inverted facelock.

"Please no Father, anything but that!" Jesus begs, knowing exactly what Corino has in mind.

Not listening to the pleas of his son Corino uses his massive power to plant his son with the Old School Expulsion, a move so deadly that it was what sentenced Lucifer to Hell itself. The heavens themselves begin to rumble in an eerie way, turning the bright blue sky into a dark, clouded monstrosity. A tear in existence begins to open up right before the eyes of Corino and the paralyzed Jesus. With pleading eyes Jesus looks helplessly up at his father.

"For your treachery against the King of Old School you must pay. This shall be done in the very scum from which humanity was spawned...NEW JERSEY!"

A shrill cry of angst is let out as Jesus is flung into the tear which quickly envelopes him and closes it's borderless jaws upon it's prey. Dusting off his hands Corino goes back to his throne as the heavens turn back to their peaceful selves.

"Wow Dad, you messed little boy b***h up." Comes a voice from behind the throne.

"Well considering he is seen by the world as my only son I need to keep him looking good. After all I cannot be seen as a weak entity, Ricky." Corino responds.

"Damn straight" starts Ricky Christ, the illegitimate son of Corino, "Jesus was always a little cherry boy anyway."

"What did I tell you about using inappropriate terms for a virgin?"

"Whoops, sorry about that." Ricky replies as he takes out a flask from his pocket and takes a shot.

"Much better." Corino tells his son as he sits back down.

Bringing out a simple white lawn chair to sit next to his father's amazingly crafted streamer throne, Ricky cracks open a cold one as Corino looks down at the world below. Unlike his sibling and father Ricky isn't wearing a robe, instead choosing a bloody white tank top, fresh from his trip off Mt. Olympus. As in he literally tripped, fell off the mountain, and proceeded to get crushed and bloodied by jagged areas of rock. To compliment this is a torn pair of black denim jeans which likewise have blood stains, although they don't show up nearly as well.

"So is this the fourth or fifth time you've had to be resurrected this week Ricky?" Asks Corino, breaking the silence.

"The sixth actually. Not that it's too important. Anyway, what are you looking at down there dad?"

"A man who has way too much authority over a group of people compared to what he is capable of."

"When will that Bush learn? Just because you were shouting at the crowd while you were wrestling that Punk doesn't mean you were talking to him." Ricky says while trying his hardest not to crack a smile.

"Actually today I was talking about a man who holds too much reign over the world of professional wrestling. One Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer..."

"That dude those smelly smarks cream themselves over? Lame dad, lame."

Looking up, Corino turns so he is facing Ricky. Knowing full well that questioning Steve Corino is the greatest sin one can commit Ricky quickly tries to find his way out of it.

"So...you want to go mess with him?" Ricky spurts out in desperation.

Bashing his son over the head with a random sledgehammer pulled out from midair, causing a certain wrestler to tear his quad at a very awkward time during intercourse, Corino lets out a furious declaration of anger.

"All I want is for him to declare me the standard of professional wrestling! Not Thesz, not Flair, not Misawa, but Steve Corino! Is that so much to ask?"

Handing his son a conveniently acquired phoenix down Corino sits back in his throne. Snapping his fingers a larger view of Dave Meltzer is put onto the amazingly large widescreen hi-def television that appears directly in front of the throne. In the picture Dave is kayaking down one of the many rivers of the world, looking to get some more insider news from the small native tribes that haven't been kicked from their land.

"I still will never understand how small tribes in South America get all the backstage scoops in the wrestling world before anyone else." Ricky states haphazardly as he comes back to life.

"It's a very complicated system son, one that it took me many months to create. Sure some of that may have been due to the partying and time traveling. Even a bit of 'other' creating was done during that time. Regardless of all that however, I knew that those marks on wrestling message boards would have a heyday if I didn't make the system as difficult as possible. Us insiders have to look out for each other, even though not all insiders are created equally. That's when a man by the name of Benoit chopped me across the chest as hard as he could, told me he was 4 Real, and walked off into the sunset like a total badass. The moral of this story being that Benoit is as close to a wrestling deity as one can be without being named Steve Corino."

"Right..."

"Anyway, I have decided that something must be done about Dave Meltzer. After giving such matches as Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi and Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe five stars it seems he is simply trying to make a mockery out of myself and pro wrestling. To the Christ Cave!"

While the sound of Batman theme music fills the air around them, Corino and Ricky drop down into Mt. Olympus. Several twists and turns later, in the oddly constructed tunnel system that seems built more for a pleasurable ride than efficiency, the two find themselves standing in the epicenter of the mountain. The so-called Christ Cave isn't so much a cave as a high-tech center from which much mischief can be carried out. From behind them comes the sound of foot steps which alarm Ricky, causing him to whirl around. What stands in front of him isn't merely a butler, but an odd character dressed in leather.

"Whoa, when did you get Razor Ramon Hard Gay dad?" Ricky exclaims curiously.

"That's not Masaki Sumitani, just some cheap knockoff. See?"

"Yoooooo~! Joe!" The Hard Gay rip off suddenly shouts.

"I see..."

"We call him Lazer Lamune Hard Gay in hopes that we don't run into any copyright issues. He's still damn good at humping stuff."

As if this were a cue Lazer Lamune rushes towards Ricky and begins to dry hump him. Considering his alcohol intake it seems pretty obvious as to why Ricky doesn't really care about this and continues surveying the Christ Cave which he hasn't been in for a long while. On the east wall is a small ton of wrestling belts, obviously the collection of championships Steve Corino has won in his many years of wrestling professionally. To the west is a wall dedicated solely to projectiles, something that all of the Christs are quite fond of. These include, but are far from limited to, squirrels, exploding ninja stars, the heads of those in the Justice League, fire spitting bubblegum, and the most old school of old school, pogs. On the north and south walls are many things better left un-described until they are needed as to keep the flow of randomness in a righteous path. As for the displays in the middle of the room, the most notable is a heap of counter measures against forks. Ghetto forks in-particular.

"You never did get over that Homicide did you?"

"Ricky, I've already killed you once today and sent Jesus to New Jersey. Do you really want to push your luck?" Corino asks his son in a threatening manner.

"No whammy." Ricky replies carefully and quietly.

"That's what I thought. Now supposing that Meltzer has some back up, or an over sized hunting knife, we will be bringing Hard Gay along with us. That leaves the need for some unpremeditated projectiles, three kayaks, a few volumes of manga, many puroresu tapes, CDs of every genre except Country, one Guitar Hero controller, and several cases of alcoholic beverages. I figure we can find things for Lazer Lamune to hump along the way, we can easily catch and kill animals for food if it is required, and we can make sure not to miss any boxing on pay per view because of my Heaven-vision long distance cable provider."

"Sounds good to me. Can I say a few words prior to our packing for what will likely be a dangerous trip that we're assured to come back alive from because we're us?"

"Go ahead."

"We may just be an out of place ensemble of a deity concerned with how amazingly old school he is, a Japanese guy who likes to wear tight pants and dry hump things, and a drunk bastardized brat from an undisclosed location, but together we shall stand tall. Through the bad times and the good, through the episodes of delirium and re-runs of the Chappelle Show, and through Silent Hill and Clerks we will continue on our way. Even if one of us has to be sacrificed for the good of the others, that would be you Lazer, we shall not falter. Dave Meltzer, his informants inside the business, and the group ranging from pimply faced teens to middle aged men that care about his reporting will be taken down through our brute, inconsiderate force. So to all three of us here, bottom's up bitches!"

"Yoooooooo~!"

Drowning themselves in a fountain of booze, our anti-heroic heroes of mythological lore that could only be thought up by some crazy kids who use the internet too often find themselves wasted and ready for the trip ahead. Note that this trip is not drug related as that would just be inappropriate compared to the overuse of alcohol which has become so amazingly common in society most don't even think about choosing whether or not to drink it. The choice is simply made for them and they pretend to enjoy the ride. Who really cares about that anyway? It's time for biblical hell raising the likes of which you've never seen before!

Flask 3: Holiday in the Sun OR Which Cheesy Promotional Tactic Shall We Rip-off This Time?

With their first Canadian excursion completed our heroes currently find themselves in the midst of the Amazon Rainforest. So far things have been surprisingly uneventful since the death of Avril Lavigne and the trio is worse off because of it. Not only is the power of Old School at one of it's weakest points deep in the heart of South America but the supply of beer has run surprisingly low, causing worry amongst the comrades. Nevertheless our intrepid wanderers keep up their hopes, knowing that the natives must have built a Quck-E-Mart, Quick Stop, or 7-Eleven around here somewhere. Little do they know man can live without slurpees, even if it is the most pitiful existence one can be exiled to.

"So...how did we manage to wind up in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest again?" Ricky asks, tired and ever sobering up.

"Didn't the narrator just explain that? We came here from Canada." Corino replies.

"I know that. I just wondered how the hell we got from Canada to Brazil."

"One thing's for sure, it sure wasn't by Alaska Air."

"Burn! I can't believe those poor Eskimos have to use that if they actually want to go anywhere. Teaching dogs to fly would probably get them further in the long run."

Although it appears that this hike is carefree to the untrained eye Lazer Lamune knows exactly how annoying the wildlife around him is. Corino and Ricky don't have to worry about anything as they can keep animals and insects away from them with ease. Not that animals and insects would exactly want to attack something that reeks of sweat and alcohol anyway. Hard Gay on the other hand knows that if he humps the wrong thing or gets infected with any kind of poison that Corino might not revive him. It's not that Corino holds any hard feelings towards Lazer, it's just that using so much power in an area like this is extremely draining and none too pleasant for the deity. That's part of the reason why the crew is driving further into the lush green forest rather than Corino just summoning up some brews.

As the trek continues on the spirits slowly start to exit Ricky's body, leading him closer to sobriety. In most cases this would be a good thing. That is not so in Ricky's case. Considering well over seventy percent of his diet is alcohol the ensuing hangover would doubtlessly leave him in a state of unbearable pain. This part can be taken care of with relative ease thanks to his father. The part that cannot be taken care of so easily is the fact that when Ricky is sober he loses his usual mellowness and it is replaced by extreme anger as well as his ability to tap into the power of Old School like his father. Unless this is quickly quelled it can start disasters of unparalleled proportions. Just for the record the last time Ricky sobered up was in Nagasaki, Japan on August 9, 1945.

"Dad...I'm not feeling...so drunk..." Ricky mutters as he begins stumbling about.

"Nonsense Ricky, there is no possible way you could be sober yet. You just drank our last twelve pack."

"I...it...it was Miller...Miller Lite." Ricky replies as he falls into a patch of dirt on the forest floor.

"Oh Corino!" Steve shouts in despair, knowing now is the worst possible time to come across this problem.

"Please father. You must...you must..."

"Not a chance son. That's what your mother was for."

"No, not that. Need...beer...wine...whiskey...Zima..."

"NOOOO!!!!" Corino yells out, clearing the treetops of birds and allowing the sun's rays to pass through the moving leaves so they fall on the kneeling figure of Corino. "How could you ever suggest drinking Zima Ricky? I thought I raised you properly."

As the distraught Corino mourns the loss of his son's sanity a terrible transformation begins. Leaving behind his infinite calmness Ricky rises from the ground, leaning back onto the nearest tree with his head in his hands. The splitting pain of a massive hangover can't be contained by Ricky and slowly scales begin to erupt from his pores, causing him to become very lizard like in appearance. Meanwhile Lazer has decided it is for the best if he gets the hell out of there. Deeper and deeper into the forest he runs as Ricky's transformation nears it's completion. Finally as the transformation completes itself, leaving Ricky's appearance to be that of the lizard god of the dead Whiro, Corino rises to his feet to confront his son.

"Whiro eh? Are you sure you want to delve into Polynesian mythology Ricky?"

Rather than replying to this question Ricky, with the form of Whiro, lashes out at his father. Being quite agile for his size Corino avoids this with ease, leaving the claws of Ricky sinking into the fertile landscape. Ricky doesn't appear finished however as he rips into the ground with his right hand that had missed it's target prior to launching himself forward at Corino. Another slash from the dangerous limbs of Ricky is dodged by Corino, but the sudden tail lash of Ricky that follows this doesn't appear to be avoidable. Rather than trying to calculate the angle to limit damage Corino flings his right arm back, preparing it for the test that lies ahead. Above the entire continent of South America appears a blinding white light as Corino strikes Ricky's tail with a Choshu Lariat Counter! Just as suddenly as it came the white light dissipates as Corino and his son come crashing down to the ground.

"Not bad Ricky" Corino starts as he wipes off the dirt on his arm, revealing a few scratches. "If that is the best you can do though there will be no need to waste Old School power by transforming myself into Tane."

This challenge angers the already furious Ricky more. Knowing that his father can do better as well Ricky decides to reassess the situation as best as possible with such a hate clouded head. An idea comes to mind rather quickly and since he is already relying mostly on impulses this will be the course of action he takes. Ricky begins to raise an army of undead minions right before the eyes of Corino, something the deity had not thought his son capable of. Knowing that there is no way to confront this army without some kind of special control over the forest Corino begins preparations to turn himself into the Polynesian god of the forest, Tane. Just as it seems these two rival deities of the pantheon of gods from Polynesian mythology will clash Lazer Lamune sprints back onto the scene carrying a massive supply of goods in his arms.

"Yamero!" Hard Gay shouts, causing the two to do so and look over at what Lazer is carrying.

Moments later the situation has calmed down considerably as the three sit underneath the shade of a rather large tree. Apparently the natives did have the technology and for some reason built a 7-Eleven out in the middle of nowhere, proving once and for all man cannot live without slurpee. Getting this explanation out of Lazer wasn't easy, but neither Corino or Ricky really cared that much anyway as he had gotten plenty of drinks and snack food for them to feast upon in their never ending quest to track down Dave Meltzer.

"So chaps, what say we forget about this little inconvenience and continue on our merry way?" Ricky breaks out after chugging down a slurpee that was filled to the brim with alcohol and, just in case, sedatives.

"Wouldn't just forgetting about it make this flask feel kind of like filler?"

"Of course not. Besides, last flask we accomplished nothing and cared less about not having done so. Plus we're closing in on the Amazon River now so pretty soon we can begin to kayak and rock out like there's no tomorrow."

"How do you know we're getting close to the Amazon River?" Corino questions, already having deducted this, but being slightly amazed Ricky had done so as well.

"It's quite elementary my dear father. All native convenience stores are located on the Amazon as it is the easiest way to re-supply their products."

"Impressive Ricky."

"Oh I'm not done yet father. It is also because when Eric Clapton comes down to these parts he tends to play his guitar while surfing down the Amazon on guitars from inferior brands like Squier or Epiphone."

"Right..." Corino mutters, knowing not even Hard Gay who can't speak English anymore believes that. "Well I suppose if that's the case we should continue on so we can get there before nightfall."

Packing up their goods from the local 7-Eleven the travelers continue on their way. Seen as how the rest of the trip to the Amazon River is uneventful this space will be used to answer questions. The first is that they do have the kayaks with them as packed in flask 1. How they manage to carry all these things with them is through the miracle of the fourth dimension hyper sphere. Sure the more contemporary model of the fourth dimension is the cube, but Jimmy Neutron already used that. Also, I'm sure you're wondering why the fourth dimension is not identified with time in this story. Let's put it this way, if Corino and pals could just pull everything they wanted out of thin air all the time it would be pretty boring. There would be no possible clashing of Polynesian gods, there would be no references made to Eric Clapton, and there would be no god damn Mr. T. You wouldn't want that to happen would you?

Ahem, back to your regularly scheduled story. Not too long after they set out once more the three come upon the 7-Eleven Lazer had stumbled upon earlier. Nothing seems too odd about it except for the fact there aren't the usual stoners buying microwavable burritos. They are however, graciously replaced by the native people buying other forms of munchies, especially Cheez-Its. Knowing they don't have any leads on Meltzer Corino decides to stop in the store with Ricky while leaving Lazer outside to keep watch. Not that out of the entire Amazon Rainforest would it be possible Meltzer just happens to be in the exact same area as these three or anything. That would just be silly.

Inside the store Ricky and Corino find all the products one could possibly want. Some products do come under scrutiny from the pair. They haven't spent literally days in places like this for nothing. Just for a few bags of chips or some doughnuts or something...

"Grunge flavored Pop Rocks? What do those taste like?" Ricky says as he picks up an odd looking package from among the other candy.

"I'm not sure, but I guess combining them with Cobain in a Can was how Nirvana was created." Corino tells his son.

"Creepy..."

"I suppose. Still I want to get some of them. They might come in handy later."

"So I guess you'll be wanting some of this awesome James Dean caramel too. I hear it's got more angsty goodness than an episode of Evangelion."

"As much as I doubt that I might as well get it. Have to keep up with what the kids think is cool these days. Although I've been cutting myself for years." Corino says as he picks up a package of the James Dean caramel.

"You didn't do that for recreation so it doesn't count. Plus it has to be on your wrists because...well I don't know."

As Ricky ponders why the most common form of self-harm associated with emos is wrist cutting and why that's any better than other forms, Corino gets the rest of what is needed and gets ready to check out. The line is surprisingly long for a little place out in the middle of nowhere and Corino tries to chat with the locals to see if they might know the whereabouts of Meltzer. Unfortunately Steve never really paid attention in his Portuguese classes so this turns into a lost cause quite quickly. When the two finally make it to the front of the line Ricky spots an item that he has wanted for many years now. Or at least for the few seconds since he spotted it.

"Whoa, one of those Hulk Hogan lighters! Awesome." Ricky exclaims like a kid in a candy store.

"Why would you want one of those?"

"To burn things with, duh."

"Don't speak so bluntly to me Ricky H. W. K. Christ! You know that buying something with Hulk Hogan on it would go against our motto." Corino shoots back at his son, a stern expression on his face.

"I thought our motto was 'drink now, drink later, but never drink and watch James Spader?'" Ricky states as to get the heat off himself.

"This is true. Although what's up with you wanting to reference Crash, the 1996 film not the one many might be thinking of, anyway?"

"Mentioning James Dean doesn't really count towards referencing Crash as I didn't mention the re-creation of the crash that took his life like they did in that film. Besides mentioning James Spader could have been a reference to a small ton of shitty flicks over the years."

"Alright I'll give you that." Corino states as he hands over the cash for the supplies and puts the bags into the fourth dimension hyper sphere. "Still, couldn't you have gone with something a little more recent like The Watchers? Then you could have taken shots at Keanu Reeves as well."

"Well they didn't have any Reeves'n Bran cereal over there. Not to mention Keanu kind of gets more crap than he should. He has some cool interests and is Canadian so he should automatically have some immunity. Now Tom Cruise on the other hand, he doesn't deserve much of anything. Admittedly it is extremely easy to make fun of the guy as there is so much material, but that's what you get when you paint a target on yourself." Ricky explains as he and Corino walk out the front door of the 7-Eleven to where Lazer is standing along the river.

Immediately the two notice Hard Gay is trying to tell them something as he waves his arms towards the river and thrusts his pelvis in that direction as well. Rushing over to where their comrade is the two are treated to a sight that is rivaled by none other they have ever seen before.

"Wow...just wow." Corino says as he looks on in astonishment.

"I know. Can you believe Meltzer, out of the entire Amazon Rainforest, was in the same exact area we were in? Insane I tell you."

"Not that you moron! That's Eric Clapton, playing guitar while surfing on inferior brands of guitars like Epiphone or Squier!"

"Well yeah, didn't I tell you about this earlier this flask?"

Indeed it is Eric Clapton, whose name has been mentioned four times this flask now, surfing on an inferior guitar while playing Layla. The sheer awesomeness of this moment almost makes the sight of Dave Meltzer jotting down some insider notes quickly before hopping in his kayak go completely unnoticed. Luckily for the trio Ricky has apparently watched Clapton do this before and keeps an eye on Meltzer while his two companions keep their attention solely on Eric. Ultimately Clapton floats out of their sight and the harmonious notes grow ever more shallow on the cool breeze. Once the music has completely stopped Ricky manages to get Lazer and his father to snap out of their stupor and direct their attention towards Meltzer who is getting away.

"Damn it!" Corino shouts out as he realizes what is going on. With the quickness of someone who types over one hundred words per minute Corino rips out a kayak and paddle from the confines of the fourth dimension hyper sphere. "You two either follow or stay put as I'm out of here."

Just as suddenly as he says this Steve is gone, chasing Meltzer down the Amazon via kayak. In the meantime Ricky and Lazer make preparations to set out as well. Right before they have everything set to go however, Lazer suddenly begins to try to remove his shirt. Considering it is leather it doesn't tear very well and because of his spiked dog collar it isn't that easy to get off by pulling it over his head either. Seeing the trouble Hard Gay is in Ricky decides to go help him. With some work the two men manage to get the shirt off Lazer Lamune, only to reveal a Wrestling Observer t-shirt under it!

"You...how could you?" Ricky yells, knowing this can only be a sign that Lazer has been a spy for Meltzer all along.

Hard Gay doesn't even dignify Ricky with a response. Instead he just kicks him in the c**k which is a very rude matter of answering Ricky's question. As Lazer celebrates by standing over the fallen Ricky one can only wonder what kind of trap has been set for the King of Old School by the nefarious Dave Meltzer. Could it be a negative star rating, a personal and revealing piece of insider news, or worse yet? Tune in next week to find out. Same Cisco Kid time, same Cisco Kid place. Oh Pancho! Oh Cisco!

Flask 5: Return of the King (of Old School) I

After meeting with these huge talking stone tablets last night, sort of like meeting SEELE in NGE, I've been informed that I totally missed a perfect opportunity for a killer reference last flask. To make amends for this mistake we shall rewind time in a matter only possible through the use of a DeLorean DMC-12. Well that or doing LSD with Jimi Hendrix. Since we have neither of those in our possession we'll just go with the first choice.

"Hey Dave, what are you doing there?" Corino asks as he pulls up beside Meltzer in a kayak.

"Just watching some Waterman cartoons." Meltzer replies while keeping his attention focused solely on his laptop.

"Suh-weet. Bacones Addiction is by far my favorite. You know, with Robotic Chuck Norris, Mr. Owl, and the return of 16 Buttons of Justice. Man I love those guys."

"You too? I've watched that episode so many times now..."

So there you have it. Using time travel simply to hand out some love to Waterman while wasting valuable plot development time. Considering this flask is probably going to be the climax of this arc that's probably not too good. Err...I mean now back to our regularly scheduled programming that isn't World Cup Soccer so please don't change the channel!

Upon the heavy foliage of the Amazon Rainforest Steve Corino and his rival of a few days now, Dave Meltzer, stand. For Corino standing on the tops of trees is not a task of any sort of significance. As a matter of fact he has been summoned to help many random celebrities out of trees. Usually he gets whatever left over alcohol they have so the job pays plenty well enough. For Meltzer on the other hand this is a pretty big accomplishment. At least that's what most people would think. What these people don't realize is the same thing Corino failed to realize until a little while ago. Of course at this same time an irresponsible person was trying to time travel in hopes of making some sort of Waterman reference so everyone kind of missed out.

"I see, so that laptop is the source of your strength. I would say I'm surprised except for the fact I'm not. I don't even believe I could think of anything more fitting." Corino states as he looks on at Meltzer who is holding his laptop underneath his arm.

"Belittling me at this stage will get you nowhere Steve. Now is the time for you to put up or shut up in this little quest of yours. As fun as it has been I will thoroughly enjoy dishing out the beating you so rightfully deserve."

Immediately after Dave states this the laptop under his arm begins to change shape, covering his hands in a pair of gauntlets. The laptop also forms what can only be described as two steel kick pads on the shins of Meltzer. When these have fully taken shape Meltzer leaps forward across the tree tops, gliding along at a blistering pace as he comes at Steve with a straight right hand. Simply moving his head to the side Corino avoids this, only to almost get a kick to the face as Dave jumps up into the air so his feet are level with Corino's head. Left and right, back and forth Corino moves his head as Meltzer maintains his height and kicks with both his legs at the face of the deity. Realizing this isn't getting him anywhere Meltzer leaps forward, diving behind Corino with a somersault across the tree tops prior to spinning around and avoiding a kick to the face from Steve.

Meltzer now finds himself on the defense from the slower, yet much more powerful, attacks of Corino. After Corino has his kick avoided he goes directly for a chopping right to Meltzer that Dave foolishly believes he can block with his hands. While the gauntlets barely keep his hands from breaking Dave finds himself being flung backwards until he sinks below the leaves and slams into the first tree directly in his path. The large indentation this leaves in the tree keeps Dave busy trying to dig himself out of it as Corino floats down from above and prepares himself to hit Meltzer again. At the last possible second Dave manages to move out of the way of this, causing Corino's left jab to create a large hole in the tree that continues through a few more trees in his path.

Seeing his chance Meltzer bursts forward at lightning speed towards Corino. It's almost as if time stops a split second before a looping left hook connects with Corino's head in order for Steve to shout out the word "fool" in his head. Time resumes shortly after this as Meltzer finds his jaw being shot into the air along with the rest of his body. A counter uppercut like Steve just hit would be impossible for any mortal to even dream of. It was as if Corino gauged the exact time and place where the impact would be the greatest and threw his body weight twice over into that spot. The result is clearly seen above the Amazon as the natives who have made their way out of the woodwork begin to chant, "this is awesome."

"Silence!" Corino shouts as he flies up to where Meltzer has stalled in the sky.

Why Corino manages to get some heel heat for stopping a stupid chant will forever be wondered about throughout time. What won't be however is the fate of Meltzer. When Corino has made it to where his rival lies on a patch of air he notices that the laptop has formed a protective sheild around the jaw of Dave rather than keeping its prior form of gauntlets and kick pads.

"No wonder I didn't hear bones splinter and pierce your cerebrum. It seems that piece of trash is a little more useful than I had expected."

"It's not my fault you have low expectations as usual. That kind of attitude is why your sons are a drunk and a pansy." Meltzer retorts as he stands back to his feet.

"I thought you said it was time to quit running our mouths earlier? It seems that's the only thing you can do right now as it's clear who will win if this fight continues."

"Nothing is ever as clear as it seems Steve. Even you don't possess the eyes of time."

Getting that off his chest relieves Dave enough for him to shape his laptop into a sword to combat Corino with. The sabre this produces is one that is slightly different than the norm. The usual curve and single edge has been replaced by a straight blade and a double-edge to allow for better thrusting capabilities. At the same time the lightness and durability haven't been sacrificed, something Meltzer will need if he wishes to combat what will no doubt be a magnificent blade from Corino. Indeed it seems Corino has an answer to this as he closes his eyes and begins chanting under his breath. Not willing to give up this opening Dave charges forward at Corino, only for Steve to open his eyes and stop Meltzer dead in his tracks. The glare Corino shot Dave actually makes Meltzer descend to the ground near the Amazon River in an attempt to draw attention away from himself.

Steve follows Meltzer down to the ground and hovers just above it as he places his hand out in front of him. It begins to sound as if a gale is ripping apart the rainforest piece by piece as Corino continues to summon his blade. Finally, streamers shoot out of the right hand of Corino in all the colors of a grand crown. From here these streamers begin to swirl around and wrap tightly together before a blinding light envelopes the arm of Steve. When this light ascends back to the heavens from which it came it leaves in it's place the sword of the King of Old School: Golden Age. The blade derives this name from the idea that it holds all the greatness placed into the world by Corino. It is also a reminder of pasts that were extraordinary and holds the hopes there will be futures to follow along those lines once more.

"Golden Age. I've heard of it like many others, but I never figured it existed. Even for you this is quite a feat Steve."

"I had nothing to do with the creation of this blade. The sword chooses the King, not the other way around." Corino explains. "Now come, it is time to finish what we have started."

Just as the final battle between Corino and Meltzer is about to commence we rejoin Ricky and Lazer who are sitting on a bench outside of the 7-Eleven. Looking out towards the sun in the sky Ricky gulps down the cold, refreshing liquid found in the flask he removed from the hyper sphere earlier. Lazer on the other hand tries his hand at pointing at things with the laser pointer he bought in the store. Even so, pointing a red dot at someone, or more specifically someone's crotch, can only be entertaining for so long. As Ricky's eyes look about to burst from the amount of ultraviolet light they are sucking in the son of Corino tilts his head downward before looking at Lazer.

"Y'know what really pisses me off man? The thing I can't ******** stand more than anything?" Ricky asks Lazer who simply shakes his head as if to say "no."

"Well I'll tell you then. Like when I'm watching those cartoon things from your country, that anime stuff, when they're just about to start this big huge battle and all the sudden they cut to some worthless piece of s**t characters talking about nothing important. It's like all they're worried about is wasting time out of the episode because they don't have enough content to fill it up. Don't they usually have material to base this stuff off of anyway? How hard is it to follow the plans that are all laid out for you in front of your freakin' face? If I were in something that used such dirty, conniving, sleazy tactics I would give the person who was responsible what for. Really, I would just go berserk on that guy. Bastards thinking they can just waste your time."

Fortunately for the "responsible" person Lazer doesn't have the heart or language skills to convey to Ricky that something like that is happening right now. Instead Lazer just takes his laser pointer and the flask from Ricky's hand to combine them to form: a laser pointer in a flask. That's the suspense which kills so many innocent babies and makes them inedible right there. Upon Christ slapping Lazer in the face and taking his flask back Ricky goes back to reminiscing about how he can't see straight as usual. Just in case more hilarity decides to ensue we shall go back to Corino and Meltzer to make certain you miss it.

Unsheathing the Golden Age, which makes the Master Sword look like the Kokiri Sword, Corino shapes it so it appears to be somewhere between that of a longsword and a claymore. Grabbing it tightly in both hands Corino lunges forward at Dave, swinging the blade downward in a diagonal direction in hopes of ending this quickly. No such luck shall be found as Meltzer uses his much lighter blade to parry the Golden Age so it slides harmlessly away. Meltzer knows the sheer power of Corino would simply break his sabre if he made a direct block, so a parry is the best defense against the enraged diety. Another full swing from Corino allows Meltzer to once again guide the Golden Age out of the way. This time however, Meltzer takes a stab at the unguarded chest of Corino. Only a shallow cut comes about as a result of this due to Corino lashing upward with the Golden Age to make Meltzer swiftly jump back in retreat.

Seeing that he may need a new plan Corino shapes the Golden Age to be lighter prior to thrusting at Meltzer who just barely avoids the blow. Another straight thrust comes at the neck of Meltzer and allows him to duck down and make a lunge of his own at Corino. Stepping back Corino avoids this and manages to nick Dave on the cheek as he draws his sword away from Meltzer. As the two stand only a step over a blade's length apart from each other Corino realizes he needs to compress his power into a more compact form. Placing a reformed sheath into the belt of his multi-colored robe Corino makes preparations to turn the Golden Age into a katana to combat the speed of Meltzer's sabre. At the cue of the change though Meltzer lunges, allowing him to place a shallow cut on Corino's arm as Steve jumps backwards.

With the newly shaped Golden Age now ready to go Corino grasps it in both his hands, just like before. The difference is his stance which has a much better defense than last time where his guard was wide open. Corino decides to take the initiative to start things up this time as he steps forward at Dave, only to end up having to block another thrust from the sabre as Meltzer had the exact same idea. Fending off thrusts is all Corino is allowed to do as Meltzer makes a hasty attempt to inflict a wound upon Corino. Parrying the textbook thrusts of Meltzer doesn't prove to be difficult for Corino who seems especially light on his feet now. What catches Steve off guard is a thrust to the abdomen that is blocked, only to be quickly followed by Meltzer spinning around and going for a slash to the neck of Corino. The cut comes up shallow once again on the deity, but the deductions that Meltzer's style was completely by the book seem to be proven wrong. No one going by the book would expose their back like that.

Unsurprisingly Meltzer doesn't slow down a bit, actually making his thrusts more frequent than before. With Corino watching his movements carefully Dave knows that it won't be easy to get in another slash. Throwing in a simple feint works wonders though. As Corino goes to block it he finds only air, allowing Meltzer to land a horizontal slash to the exposed abdomen of Corino. What Meltzer doesn't expect is Steve deciding to take advantage of this and make a downward swing that cuts into the shoulder of Dave slightly. Backing away quickly Meltzer checks the damage to his shoulder. A sigh of relief comes from him as he finds the cut isn't too deep. Even so it seems he has decided to end this here rather than allowing himself to be injured again.

"You're not too bad Steve. Even with this laptop programmed to allow me to be an incredible fighter you still manage to inflict roughly the same amount of damage on me as I have upon you. Unfortunately for you I can't allow these type of exchanges to continue, so I must end this now." Meltzer states as he moves his sabre so the blade is pointed straight down towards the ground.

This peculiar stance doesn't seem to bother Corino at all. In fact he wants to take the invitation Meltzer is presenting him with as soon as possible, knowing a straight thrust to the neck of Dave will easily end this battle. Right as Meltzer appears to open his mouth in order to speak again Corino lunges forward, thrusting the Golden Age so it will rip through the flesh of Meltzer and find it's way out through his spine. At the exact same time Meltzer suddenly kicks his sabre up into the air, making it meet with Corino's Golden Age. What makes it possible to knock the Golden Age away is the extremely fast back flip Meltzer follows this with, making his leg push his sabre around with him. By the time Meltzer lands back on the ground Corino is trying desperately to get the Golden Age back under his control, only to be stabbed with a straight thrust from Meltzer that narrowly misses Steve's heart.

"Tsk, tsk. I can't believe the ***** Counter missed it's mark." Meltzer mutters as he pulls the blade free from Corino's chest, causing a stream of blood to flow from the wound.

"***** Counter? Couldn't you come up with a better name than that?" Corino questions in a cocky fashion while holding the deep cut Meltzer has placed upon him.

"If I were in your position I wouldn't talk. Now come, we haven't the time to keep making pointless remarks." Meltzer shoots back as he sets himself in position for the ***** Counter once more.

"Once more you forget who you're talking to Dave. I'll have your head for such insolence!"

Upon stating this Corino prepares himself to charge once more, having a different plan of attack in mind this time. As he rushes forward Corino keeps the Golden Age to his side, only lifting it right as he comes to Meltzer to go for a horizontal slash in order to take Meltzer's head off. Figuring that the ***** Counter can only go against thrusts is Corino's undoing as Meltzer flips into the air once more, using his sabre to knock away the Golden Age as he had before. At least on this exchange when Meltzer lands Corino maneuvers to the best of his ability in order to avoid a damaging thrust. Even with this preparation the sabre of Meltzer manages to sink into Corino at a decent depth before he is forced to withdraw it and jump back once more.

With blood soaking his robe to turn the yellow on it crimson Corino thinks about his next move. Meltzer insists on continuing his assault with the ***** Counter as signified by him taking his invitation stance once more. This means the only chance Corino currently has is to find a way to combat the ***** Counter or surpass it altogether. The last target Corino hasn't aimed for yet that could be Meltzer's undoing is the exposed back when he keeps the sabre pointed downward as well as when he back flips. Deciding on a way to take advantage of this Corino rushes towards Meltzer, his sword held to his side just as he had been last time. Rather than slashing at Meltzer's side as he had done prior, Corino passes Meltzer. Immediately after doing so Corino releases one of his hands from the hilt of Golden Age and unleashes a swing that is meant to connect with Meltzer's back. All that the blade grabs a hold of however is Meltzer's sabre which he slings over his head in order to guard his back.

Spinning back in a counterclockwise direction Corino grabs the hilt of Golden Age in both hands once more before turning to face Meltzer and going for a downward slash on Dave. Rather than blocking Meltzer simply steps back from this, knowing what a full on hit from Golden Age could do to his sabre. Corino makes a retreat himself, a cocky grin on his face after getting away that time without a scratch. Thinking that he has the ***** Counter sealed, Corino rushes forward again as Meltzer takes his invitation stance. No attempt to hit Meltzer is even made as Corino passes him. Pivoting around Corino rushes past Meltzer again who hasn't moved during this time at all. Again and again Corino rushes past Dave as he gains an amazing amount of speed. Finally as he passes Meltzer one last time Corino rushes towards the back of Dave. This causes Meltzer to suddenly turn around and, as Corino takes a swing at him, hit Corino with the ***** Counter!

"How foolish of you to think you had me figured out. I knew your aim all along and just played by it." Meltzer says as he removes his sabre from yet another large wound on Corino.

"I'm guessing it was because of my hit to your sabre that I didn't place much power into. Of course we'll see who is the one being played momentarily." Corino retorts as he sheaths the Golden Age.

"Just give it up Steve. You don't stand a chance. Even if you do have some move you're thinking about pulling out there's no way you can do it with so much blood loss."

"Blood loss? This is nothing compared to what I'm used to."

Sighing Meltzer goes back into his invitation stance, ready to finish things off this time. Corino on the other hand just keeps the Golden Age sheathed with his right hand on the grip of the hilt. Trying to recall the insane amount of speed Meltzer was able to do an aboutface with to connect with the ***** Counter Corino prepares himself mentally for the task at hand. Finally Corino lunges forward, going at an unimaginably high speed out of a dead stop towards Meltzer. Thanks to the power of the laptop Meltzer can catch a glimpse of Corino and sees that he is horizontal in midair. What Meltzer is unable to see is that Corino is actually spinning in a clockwise direction and unsheathes the Golden Age as he comes towards Meltzer.

"Cry of Old School: Thor's Executioner!" Corino shouts out as he rips the Golden Age free of it's binding sheath.

Ripping through the flesh and bone of Meltzer's neck the Golden Age decapitates Meltzer just as his sabre has come halfway up for the ***** Counter. From here Corino lands on his feet as the sabre flies into the air along with the head of Dave. Corino completes his rotation on the ground and finishes the Cry of Old School by driving the Golden Age upward from a backhand position as he is facing towards Meltzer's right. This backhand slice goes directly through Meltzer and leaves him split in half as he, along with gore aplenty, crashes to the ground. Swinging the Golden Age to the side to allow the blood to be flung off of it Corino stands over Meltzer's corpse. Placing the katana shaped Golden Age back in it's sheath Corino allows the sword to go back to it's resting place as Ricky and Lazer come over to see what just happened.

"Oh damn, you freakin' killed the ******** out of him dad." Ricky shouts out as Corino turns around.

"What are you two doing here? I figured you would still be bumming around the 7-Eleven."

"We're still practically at the 7-Eleven. It's just back there a little ways. You two must have fought all the way back here."

"Oh..." Corino says as he looks down at Meltzer's corpse, wondering if he'll need to clean it up because of this fact.

"So is there any real reason you killed him? I mean doesn't that defeat the point of trying to get him to change the standards of wrestling?"

"Well son, I decided it would be best not to change the standards of wrestling. Especially since there are far too many people besides Dave I would have to convince to do so. Instead I'll just take this victory over injustice and hope the standards of wrestling will change on their own."

"That's cool I guess. Still, are you sure you shouldn't bring him back to life then?"

"If I brought him back to life I couldn't do this..."

You Got ***** Counter!

You renamed ***** Counter - Counter of Corino: El Flippy Thing!

You Got Counter of Corino: El Flippy Thing!

"It would be a shame if you couldn't do that. So I think we can let it slide and forget this ever happened."

"We sure can son, we sure can."

As everyone, besides Meltzer, shares in a cheap plastic laugh to end this flask we reflect upon all the good times and great memories this has given us. Now that we're done with that it's time to celebrate!

"What is the malted liquor?" Corino starts with Ricky and even Lazer joining in.

"What gets you drunker quicker? What comes in bottles or in cans? Beer! Can't get enough of it (Beer!), how we really love it (Beer!), makes me think I'm a man! Beer! I can kiss and hug it (Beer!), but I'd rather chug it (Beer!), fill my belly up to here! Beer! I could not refuse a (Beer!), I could really use a beer, beer, beer!"

Ricky: "I can't remember how much I have had. I drank a twelve pack, with my dad. (Burp!)"

Corino: "That's my son the drunken manly stud. I'm proud to be his bud!"

Ricky: "Here have some pretzels."

Corino: "No I'll call it quits, those things give me the Schlitz!"

"Hahahahaha! Drink it with your family, drink it with your friends. Drink 'til you're fat, stomach distends. Beer is liquid bread it's good for you. We like to drink 'til we spew, eww! Who cares if we get fat? I'll drink to that! As we sing once more. What is the malted liquor? What gets you drunker quicker? What comes in bottles or in cans? Beer! Can't get enough of it (Beer!), how we really love it (Beer!), makes me think I'm a man! Beer! I can kiss and hug it (Beer!), but I'd rather chug it (Beer!), fill my belly up to here! Beer! Golly I adore it (Beer), come on dammit pour it! Do it for me, brew it for me, feed it to me, speed it to me! Beer! The most wonderful drink the world, hooray!"

Flask 7: Bitchslapping Europe

Listening to "The Magnificent Seven" along with many other songs by a certain British punk band makes the trip to Europe easy, breezy, although still not all that beautiful. One would expect the reason for this would be the fact none of those attending this trip are all that good looking. Alas, that is mistaken. The real reason the trip isn't beautiful is due to our heroes being caught in a trip of a different kind during it. Along with that this freaky trip isn't drug induced; it's video game induced. Regardless of exactly how it came about the following might get a little weirder than usual, if that's possible. So reader be wary, be ready, and don't do video games.

"If Rudie can't fail why is my arm melting..." Ricky wonders to himself as he, Corino, and Rob continue battling the forces of evil in Duck Tales 2 for NES.

"Hey, you guys ever wonder what it would be like if Hitler designed a video game?" Rob asks, this odd sensation being pretty normal for him.

"Tetris, right?" Corino replies in quasi-Jeopardy fashion.

"That's what they would want you to believe. The real answer is Stage 6-2 of Ninja Gaiden. Not the X-Box one, the NES one. Usually tough video games show you some mercy eventually. Stage 6-2 shows no mercy." Van Dam replies with an eerie tone.

Besides the fact the three of them are flying to Europe in a basement, one of the benefits of Christ Cave Technology, something else odd seems to be happening. For example the relatively normal black leather couch all three are sitting on suddenly turns into a black panther. After it runs out from underneath them it then turns into a Black Panther who asks where exactly he is. None of them have the time to explain before the Black Panther turns into a frying pan which somehow has eggs frying on it. Corino finally sets the NES controller in his hand down after completing Duck Tales 2 and looks around the room. Along with the walls having "Ole!" painted on them over and over again Ricky's arm has melted off like a G.I. Joe caught under a magnifying glass.

"Do you two notice anything out of place in this room?" Corino asks, not being sure of what is going on.

"Pickle...pickle...pickle...pickle...pickle..." Comes a voice in the distance.

"You can't have pickle without cucumber!" Rob shouts out incoherently as he falls backwards onto a sack of opium.

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force is trying to steal our Guitar Hero controller. I think it would be best if we surrendered or hit them in the chest with a head butt." Ricky says silently as he tries to catch a turtle that is crawling across the ground.

"Ricky acting French...Rob acting stoned...one doesn't add up." Corino begins thinking as the turtle Ricky is trying to catch mutates.

"Leonardo! Raphael! Michelangelo! Donatello!" Shout the four mutant turtles that come from the regular one.

Ricky stares in amazement at these four as they go about looking for pizza in the basement. While they find that in an infinite supply, Corino stands up and begins to knock on the walls. What he finds is that what is written on them changes with each knock. "Super Man Returns", "I'm With Stupid", "ROFLCOPTER", "Sam I Am", "Van Halen", "Survival Tobita", "Exodus Attack!", "Sprite", and the letter "H" are just a few of the many things Corino finds as he keeps knocking on them. Once Corino gets bored with that he goes over to what appears to be a black hole on the floor where the rug was. He quickly finds himself unable to test what it is however, as Rob nails him in the back of the head with a pillow and almost knocks him into the hole.

Fortunately Corino is able to save himself from being knocked into this hole. At least it's fortunate for him because he'll want to dish out some payback to the one whom it is unfortunate for. Grabbing the nearest thing to him, a Playboy magazine featuring Vida Guerra, Corino rolls it up. The intended weapon turns into a ice cream cone prior to Corino being able to go at Rob with it, allowing Van Dam to hit Corino once more with the pillow. Meanwhile the mutant turtles from earlier have turned into Samoa Joe who has been playing Go Fish with Ricky, only to end up getting hit in the face with the pillow as Rob slings it away from Corino. Like a flash of lightning Joe pounces on Rob who looks up in horror at the ceiling which simply has "Run For The Hills" written on it in blood.

"Don't worry Rob, Kirby will save you!" Ricky says as he throws the cartridge for Kirby's Adventure at the two of them.

When this completely and utterly fails Ricky starts trying to suck-up Joe like Kirby would do in order to gain his amazing Samoan powers. All this does is annoy Joe more, making him get off of Van Dam and go after Ricky. Before Joe can pummel Ricky like Shane Mosley obliterating Fernando Vargas he turns into Popo of Ice Climber fame. This leads to Samus Aran coming out of the black hole that had been opened earlier and kicking Popo across the scre-err basement. Link is the next to join the fray, swinging his sword at Samus like it's 1986. The battle of these two fanboy favorites leaves Mario laughing it up as he and Corino eat some pasta over in the corner.

"Mama mia this is some good-a vermicelli." Mario tells Corino who just nods and silently watches his surroundings.

"Fanta, Fanta, you know you wanna. Fanta, Fanta, hopes the Coca-Cola Company is paying us for these advertisements." Van Dam begins to sing while still lying on the disco ball textured floor.

"Pepsi is better." Comes the voice of Ricky who has replaced his arm with a hook.

Complete silence falls over the room due to this statement. The fighting, the eating, the singing, everything just comes to a halt as everyone stares at Ricky.

"What did you just say?" Kirby questions in a deep voice as he comes out of the cartridge from earlier.

"Personal preference man. I like Pepsi better than Coca-Cola." Ricky replies.

"That's not very wise Mr. Christ." A voice from outside of the room states.

"Not very wise at all." Another voice says in agreeance.

"Maybe what I meant to say was...OMIGAWD ZOMBIES!" Ricky screams as he points away from himself.

"How many times do I have to explain this? I'm a ghoul, not a zombie. You know, like in the game Ghouls 'n Ghosts?" The ghoul, not zombie, says from where Ricky is pointing.

"No, I don't really see it." Ricky says as the Super Smash Bros. squad shake their heads in agreement.

"C'mon, it's not that hard to tell me apart from different kinds of undead. Actually you know what, screw it. You're the one who should be getting interrogated, not me."

Upon saying this the ghoul hops into his Brand New Cadillac and drives off, leaving Ricky back to his original predicament. Just when it appears Ricky is out of luck the totally unsuspicious cardboard box Corino and Mario have been eating their pasta on suddenly stands up to reveal Solid Snake! The various Nintendo characters in the room look on in complete shock as Snake takes out some smokes and lights up. How this was the first instance of smoking in this flask no one knows, but the calm appears to be wearing off rather quickly as Popo and Nana step forward to confront Snake.

"What are you doing here? You aren't an original NES character!" The Ice Climbers yell at Snake.

"Bullshit, ever heard of the original Metal Gear?" Snake says as he places his cigarette back in his mouth.

Before either can answer Snake has taken out his MK23 Mod 0 and blasted a hole through each of their heads. As he surveys the rest of his surroundings Snake takes out his Codec in order to figure out what is going on. Pikachu, Straight Outta Compton, suddenly appears and steals the Codec however, making Snake take out his gun once again.

"What is that little b*****d?" Snake questions while pointing the MK23 at Pikachu.

"He sure isn't a regular NES character. Let's kill it!" Samus yells as she takes a shot at it with her arm cannon.

"Tee-hee, systemism." Rob thinks to himself as Pikachu continues dodging shots, sword slashes, and being squashed.

"I had a dream today. A dream that one day, NES characters, Gameboy characters, and all the other Nintendo characters could get along in peace. Immediately following that dream I had a dream of stabbing Pikachu with my cool new hook hand and as they say - first is the worst, second is the best, third is to stab some s**t." Ricky says aloud to the crowd prior to going after Pikachu as well.

When it appears Pikachu has been cornered a fork flies from the corner of the room where Corino and Mario have been sitting. What's odd about it is that neither Corino or Mario threw said fork. Without warning the Super Smash Bros. characters disappear in puffs of smoke as Corino stands to his feet. Looking around the room Corino notices the lamp turning into a giant fork. From the ceiling, the walls, and the floors heavily sharpened forks begin to pop out as if they were weapons from a portal. Soon almost everything in the room has turned into a fork as Corino desperately looks to Ricky and Van Dam for help. It seems no help will come from those two as "The Truth" by Beanie Siegel starts to play from every possible angle in the room.

Not long after the music begins Rob finds himself impaled with a fork. Staring down at it with a look of amazement is all Rob is able to do as another fork pierces his arm. Several more forks lodge themselves in RVD as he stumbles forward towards Corino. Blood spills everywhere from Rob as Corino tries to think of what to do. Grabbing one of the forks from the ground, Corino manages to block a few forks that fly his way. It's too late to save Rob at this point though. One last thumb point leaves Van Dam plummeting to the ground where he lies in a cold, lifeless heap. Grabbing another fork Corino starts to fight his way through the swarm to Ricky who has fended most off with his hook hand.

"Dad, what the hell is this?" Shouts Ricky who is finding it harder and harder to defend himself.

"I don't know son. I have a feeling I know who it's the wor-" Corino starts before being cut off by another fork flying at him.

At the very same moment the huge fork which the lamp turned into takes a step forward and lunges towards Ricky. The sheer weight of the fork combined with Ricky being unprepared leaves him pierced through the abdomen and pinned against the wall. From all sides forks close in on Corino who desperately tries to get through them to rescue his son. Removing itself from Ricky the big fork goes to finish him off, only for Ricky to bust out a flask and begin drinking. Whomever is puppeteering these forks seems to have a good amount of information on Ricky however, using the big fork to knock the flask out of Ricky's hand and piercing him through the stomach once more to finish him off.

Rage fills Corino from the depths of his body, trying to drive away the fear these forks present. One after another Corino cuts through the forks coming his way. The only thing that stops him is a sadistic laugh as the big fork is pulled out of Ricky and aimed in Corino's direction. Throwing the forks he had been using to the ground Corino tries to summon the power of Old School. Unexpectedly it fails completely, leaving Corino vulnerable and powerless. Avenging the death of his son never seemed important to Corino before, mainly because he could just revive him. This time, on the other hand, means everything as Corino charges forward at the fork. Voices begin to fill the room as they come closer to each other, time getting slower the closer they come together.

"You're gonna die Corino! You're going to ******** die!" Comes the voice that keeps growing in Steve's head as he comes face to face with his nemesis who is holding onto the giant fork now.

"He's right dad, you're going to die if you don't try one of these. So good." Ricky says as Corino opens his eyes to find himself in a strip club of some sort.

"The hell..." Corino mutters as he sits up, noticing a big set of jugs before his eyes.

"Whatever they put in these jugs we found sitting at the bar is the greatest creation ever. It's like if you combined every slurpee flavor into one drink." Explains Ricky who urges his father to try some of the liquid.

"What happened to all the forks and the...was it all just a dream?"

"Oh that...Well let Rob explain it, he's good at that kind of thing."

"You know how we were playing all those NES games while listening to The Clash in the flying basement? Well we seem to have overdosed on exposure to greatness and fallen into a pretty cool trip. That is until things turned bad and your fear of forks swallowed us up. I was the first one to come to since I was the first 'killed' during the trip and found that we had already made it to Europe. Seeing this I waited until Ricky found his way out as well and we both headed to this local strip club with you." Van Dam explains like some kind of expert on the matter.

"I see..."

Taking a peek at his surroundings Corino notices some better looking jugs off in the distance that he might have to inspect more closely once he has gained his bearings. Another surprise comes his way rather quickly as he notices that Nicke Andersson is actually at this very strip club. Not that strange coincidences are too rare in this story or anything...

"Nicke, long time no see man." Corino yells out to gain the attention of the lead singer of The Hellacopters.

"Steve? Holy crap man, I went to high school with that guy." Andersson tells the bartender prior to heading over to greet the trio.

"You didn't tell me you knew him." Ricky mutters to his father who just ignores him.

"How have you been Steve? It's been like forever now."

"I've been doing pretty good outside of fork related injuries."

"Ah yeah, he's still been hating your guts I suppose. Some things never change."

"That they don't. Anyway if you haven't met them before this is my son Ricky and Rob Van Dam who he called up to be the drummer." Corino states as he gestures to his son and Van Dam.

"Good to meet you Ricky." Andersson says as he shakes Ricky's hand. "And you too Rob, although if you're expecting to be the drummer you had better be good."

"Hey, like I always say. Everything is good when you're Rob...Van...Dam." The wrestler says while shaking Nicke's hand and doing his patented thumb point.

"Mission accomplished." Ricky states, looking to end this flask on a positive note.

"What mission? All we managed to do was meet up with Nicke. We still have to write songs, music to go with the songs, get more coordinated as a group..." Corino starts.

"Like I said - mission accomplished." Restates Ricky who doesn't mind half-assing a job like a certain someone.

A large sigh comes from Corino as he decides to give up for the moment, knowing there is far too much work in front of them to waste time arguing. Will this unnamed band be able to put itself together and become totally kick a**? Will Corino ever resolve his matters with Homicide? Will I put a question in here about asking too many questions or something else like that? Will Ricky ever stop being a loveable, yet semi-stupid, character? Will Jesus ever find a way out of New Jersey? Who murdered Mr. Burns? And most important of all, "what the ******** do you know about wrestling!?" Screw Huckabees, I heart Bryan Danielson.

Rob: Have you ever thought of something people would want to see so much that you could make a killing in revenue from it? Now did you ever actually have the necessary resources to accomplish putting on this marvelous show to a paying audience? If your answers to those questions are one yes and one no you'll be in for a treat this episode. That is, because Ricky and I have decided to put one of these plans into action to see just what would happen."

Clips of the previous episode show in cut up mode as an opening for this episode. Also some fancy alternative rock song gets stapled on as a theme which you can probably download off the internet. Did I mention that there are also clips of American Chopper and Criss Angel: Mindfreak in this opening as well? I'm sure Jerry Seinfeld will inquisition audiences about this soon. Because everyone expects the Jerry Inquisition! His chief weapon is predictability...predictability and boredom...boredom and predictability...His two weapons are predictability and boredom...and Porsche collections...Probably not Mel Gibson for obvious reasons. Although "I look forward to boring you soon" would be a pretty good catchphrase if he wouldn't be killed over it.

Ricky: "Our whole idea around this show was that it would be the most metal thing ever. Even more metal than a group of ninjas playing guitar while killing undead creatures by using dance routines from OK Go's music videos. Although thinking about it now that might have been a good idea to pursue instead of our current one. Still, this show is going to be so metal you'll want to stick OF FIRE on the end of your name and murder and rape everything around you before the night is through."

Down in the basement of the mansion Nicke goes to get a few things he had left in storage. Strangely enough the basement is blocked off by a rather large man who appears to be a bouncer. Luckily this bouncer recognizes who Andersson is and lets him in immediately. Multiple colors illuminate the area as the lights flash on and off while going through the entire visible spectrum. Wondering just what the hell is going on Nicke makes his way past the crowd of people who are dancing and sitting around while waiting for whatever is about to take place. Finding Ricky and Rob Nicke immediately questions them about this and wonders whether or not killing them on cable television is such a good idea.

"Look, I told you two you could ******** around in this mansion but what exactly is this?"

"You ask what this is? This is what dreams are made of my man. Grab a beer and pull up a chair because after tonight your life will never be the same." Ricky manages to spit out while drowning himself in alcohol.

"All I know is that this had better not be the slightly more retarded rave version of Beerfest."

"Chill dude. We've got this all planned out and we'll gladly put on this show for you and the paying customers in a few moments." Rob states while gesturing to a curtain at the back of the basement.

"Wait, you mean people paid you to come down here and act retarded? Just what does this show have that would make these people pay for it when they could probably just be at home downloading s**t off the internet?"

"I'll show you, you'll see!" Says an overly drunk Ricky as he laughs at himself.

"No, you won't show me. Tell me what is going on right now!" Andersson commands, running out of patience by this point.

"Ricky and I, while watching some stuff the other day, decided that since he's the son of a deity and all that we could put on a show the likes of which no one has seen before. Something so awe inspiring that people would come from miles around to view it."

"That being" Ricky starts as he suddenly seems sobered up compared to how he was, "a man getting sodomized to death by a unicorn!"

"I'm not even going to ask if you two are serious because I already know the answer. So all that leaves is for me to tell you that this show is not happening!" Yells Nicke as he stands to his feet.

"What?" The two of them exclaim as the electronic dance music in the background is muted by the DJ.

"You can't do this to us man! This was the only emo we could get to do it!" Cries Ricky as he tugs on Nicke's sleeve.

"Mr. Andersson, with all respect due and not due you cannot tell me you wouldn't love to see some random emo we pulled off the street be sodomized to death by a mythological creature that normally wouldn't harm a fly." Rob states with a stern expression on his face.

"So you don't think I can do you?"

"I don't think you can nor do I think you will."

"Fine then. I shall agree to this indecent proposal upon the completion of two conditions."

"These conditions being?"

"Instead of a unicorn you must have Sleipnir, Odin's magical eight-legged horse, sodomize the man. Also you must scream out 'Real Ultimate Power' while throwing broken Fallout Boy and My Chemical Romance CDs at the man while he is being dealt this vile, painful death."

"Done and done."

"There's only one problem with that you guys. How in the hell are we going to get my dad to agree to lend us Odin's steed?" Ricky butts in just before the first commercial break.

Announcer: "SUNDAY, SUNDAY SUNDAY! For the first time in the history of ever the biggest main event in the history of America, nay, the entire world will go down live from Madison Triangle Pasture! The history between these two historical combatants exceeds the history of history books themselves! Did I mention the historical aspects of this historical history making contest! If not, it's because I shouldn't have to! That's right folks, order your tickets now because as soon as I start doing my job there won't be any left! My job being to announce a Steel Cage match between George Washington and Abraham Lincoln this SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! Be there!"

After this long winded rant by the announcer a graphic of the match comes up on the screen. A few more, less significant, commercials play after this before returning us to our regularly scheduled program.

Ricky: "Our plan was at a total stand still at this point. Not only did we have a horny unicorn and no place to put it, but we also had to somehow convince my dad to summon up Sleipnir for us. Plus weren't we supposed to be in a rock and roll band? We'll never be able to do this all! Or will we..."

Scheming up a plan Ricky removes himself from the conversation momentarily as he goes to get more to drink. Meanwhile, up in his room, Steve is watching something that no one really cares about. He was just complaining about not getting enough airtime so the shot had to be taken and placed in. Back down in the basement Ricky has figured out his master plan to do everything that needs to be done in this flask. Whether or not this plan will work is something no one knows currently. Somehow Ricky manages to convince Nicke to listen to him, the vocalist showing he now has much more interest in this whole show. Rob, as usual, listens for the hell of it because he doesn't have much else to do besides whiff a kick or two.

Corino: "Wait a minute here. That's all you're giving me for airtime? What do you mean you're cutti-"

"Okay chums, here is what we're going to do. Neither of you may know this but when I get sober I have the ability to tap into the power of Old School. While me sobering up is an unpleasant task I think I can manage for the sake of something this KICKFU-"

"Use that term and you may be alienating at least one viewer!" Rob warns Ricky while cutting him off in the process.

"That's one more viewer than we currently have, so I guess I'll stop. Anyway outside of convincing my dad this is the only thing I can think of that would allow us to go through with this."

"Alright Ricky, we'll try it. I just want to know beforehand if there is anything we should be aware of that could be dangerous during this process." Nicke states in a calm matter.

"Absolutely nothing can or will go wrong. You have my word."

Moments later the room is thrown into a frenzy as the effects of all the alcohol Ricky has recently consumed begin to wear off. Keeping his head held in his hands Ricky staggers around the room in pain from the massive hangover he has. People get violently shoved away into the walls by Ricky when they come near him, leaving this little party with some [more] possible lawsuits afterwards. Rob doesn't seem to notice this at all as he gets into a discussion with a fellow partygoer about Ghost Rider comics. Nicke on the other hand wonders if he should calm Ricky down or not. Deciding not to he simply sits around playing on one of the guitars he had stored in the basement as Ricky continues raging about.

Once Ricky has stopped moving about a strange aura begins to surround him. Little sparks go off in an unstructured matter around Ricky as he rises to his feet. Both Rob and Nicke decide it's time to pay attention to Ricky now as he suddenly zaps one of the partygoers, turning the man into fried chicken. Barely able to control himself Ricky rips open the curtain that was placed at the back of the basement to reveal the unicorn and emo which had been hidden behind it. Preparations don't seem to be complete for the show yet as those who Ricky and Rob hired are taking a break for some smokes. An angry Ricky smites them all with a single blow, leaving the unicorn and emo as the only two left standing.

"Can we get this done already? Not that it really matters...I was just reading this book. I think the author is dead..." The emo keeps blabbering on as Ricky grows even angrier.

Rob: "I wasn't really paying attention to what was happening with Ricky. That was some damn good fried chicken though..."

Nicke: "While the stoner was trying to smoke the fried chicken Ricky decided that he wanted that emo dead in a hurry. Luckily for us that meant he was going to do exactly what we had planned."

Waving his arms in the air, for no apparent reason whatsoever, Ricky swiftly turns the unicorn into the eight-legged steed everyone had been awaiting. Immediately afterwards Andersson tackles Ricky to the ground and begins to pour alcohol down his throat at a rapid rate to stop him from rampaging around even more. With everyone still wondering what the hell kind of sick television station would broadcast a show like this, Rob goes over to Sleipnir and tries to coax it into taking a shot at the emo who is still going on about something. This constant rambling even annoys the horse who, living up to his reputation, is swift in dealing a death to the emo. One thrust is all it takes before the emo's head is blasted off into the air in a gruesome display as blood rains down upon the crowd who has gathered to see this.

"Now that was ******** METAL!" Ricky shouts as he sits up, feeling much better now.

"Oh s**t, I forgot something." Says Rob as he starts looking around the basement.

No one really pays attention to Rob as they all continue cheering that awesome display of horse wang power. As Sleipnir finishes up Nicke looks at Corino's son, wondering how the hell they're going to be able to control the horse without the power of Old School. Ricky just shakes his head at Andersson, showing that he doesn't have the slightest idea on this. Planning ahead never really was Ricky's specialty. Sleipnir decides to find his own way out of the mansion which makes Ricky and Nicke's job just a bit easier. Smashing through one of the basement walls Sleipnir blows away the dirt surrounding the foundation of the building prior to going to wander about Europe. Deciding to let this one go, Ricky and Andersson turn back to the crowd who are spread out between looking at the dead emo and looking at the brand new exit to the mansion.

"Real Ultimate Power!" Rob shouts as he comes out of nowhere, throwing pieces of CDs at random people in the crowd and leaving us to our next commercial break.

Cloud: "..."

Tifa: "You've got to be kidding me. You finished already?"

Cloud: "Wait for it."

Tifa: "Oh! You didn't copout for once."

Announcer: "Phoenix Down Condoms. When once just isn't enough."

Corino: "Alright I'm getting pretty pissed off here. I've barely been in this episode at all so it's about time I did something!"

"Where...where are we?" Rob asks as the four members of Ricky's unnamed band find themselves on a stage.

"Looks like we are on a stage of some sort. The awful narrator has been too lazy to give us the details yet." States Ricky as he plays with the guitar he finds strapped onto him.

"I brought us all here because we couldn't follow you three having an emo ******** to death in the basement with anything else. Besides, this season is only two episodes anyway." Says Corino with a nonchalant tone.

"Only two episodes!? What a load of..."

To cut down on the expletives used constantly by our characters the "awful" narrator will now get to doing his duties. Once Corino had finished watching whatever he was watching upstairs he decided that it would be a good time to force himself into the episode. To do this he set up a stage where the band would make their debut performance for a live audience as well as those watching at home. Needless to say that is where our heroes currently find themselves, complete with instruments. Some may see this as a slightly abusive use of the power of Old School, but those people might also find themselves in the same situation if that is the case. As the unnecessary prequel to this may have taught you, if you decided to read it, an angry god is one bad ******** your mouth! Aw damn it, I was late again..." Rob says as the narrator tries to continue.

As was being explained, the four members of the band are dressed in black leather jackets which are accompanied by white webbed shirts, torn blue jeans which have authentic tears instead of fake, factory manufactured ones, and some nice black boots which are easy to maneuver in. There are certain differences in the outfits but descriptions are never a strong point in this story so we'll skip over that. Hearing the foot steps of the live audience moving into the facility which has been designed especially for their debut the members of the band, at least Ricky, begin to get nervous.

"Nervous isn't the word for it man. We aren't that good at playing, we don't even have our own written material. Why the hell do we have to do this already?" Ricky questions his father.

"While I don't usually like to just use my powers to make everything right with the world we really don't have any choice at this point. Letting the story get stagnant is not in my nature! Not to mention I would like to go see Lincoln vs. Washington this weekend..."

"You want to go see that too? Awesome, I thought I was the only one." Rob cuts in prior to getting an exaggerated anime-esque kick upside the head from Ricky.

"So you decided to make us good overnight so you could go watch two former presidents of the United States slug it out in a steel cage match? That's good enough for me." Ricky replies while preparing himself for the upcoming concert.

Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen at this time we urge you to turn your attention to the stage. Tonight is their first ever performance together so prepare yourselves. Never mind the bollocks, here's the Giant ******** Sacrilegious Spiders of Rock!"

Immediately following this the curtain blocking the view of the stage is lifted rapidly, revealing the band who appear as though they will get right down to business. That is exactly what they do as they begin to play an unnamed track which will probably be found on their first album. Suddenly the lights in the venue go out despite the power still being on, making even Corino wonder what the hell is going on as Nicke steps up to the microphone and begins to sing.

"Dad, what the hell did you do this time?" Ricky asks as he begins playing on his guitar.

"Don't ask me about this! I had nothing to do with it." Corino replies.

"I asked my buddy Sabu if he could do the pyrotechnics for the show." Rob says, getting odd looks from Corino and Ricky while Andersson keeps the show going.

"You have to be the biggest moron of a stoner...c'mere you!" Corino shouts out as he goes after Rob.

Rob abandons his post at the drums as everything comes to a screeching halt at the concert. With Andersson, Ricky, and the entire crowd all looking on Corino chases after Rob on the stage. Diving under Nicke Rob tries to escape into the crowd, only for security to push him back onto the stage. Corino almost manages to catch Rob due to this, but Rob shoves Ricky in his father's path. Steve is only getting more pissed off at this point which is shown by him creating walls around the stage to keep Rob from escaping. When it appears Rob can go no further he tries yelling out to his friend who did the "pyrotechnics" for this show as Corino rushes at him with a Choshu Lariat!

"SABOOOOOO~! Oh shi-"

Flask 9: Big Time ni Youkoso

Flask 11: Return of the King (of Old School) II - Killing Floor of Vengeance

"Another blow has just been narrowly avoided by Corino as we go to commercial break. Remember we're broadcasting live until the end of this fight so keep your radio locked to 10-" One of the two radio announcers says right before Ricky cuts them off.

"You make me ANGERU~! You wouldn't like me when I'm ANGERU~!" Corino's son states prior to spitting his Juicy Fruit out on the near announcer's bald cranium.

Surely Ricky turning pale pink and ripping those two apart would be entertaining to see, but the action in the ring is what we turn towards now. From parts unknown Washington has managed to get his paws on a hand axe and it has been all downhill for Corino from that point. Numerous swings have cut into the fencing of the steel cage, providing pieces of momentary rest to the Old School King, but he still hasn't figured out a good way to combat Washington. He could just use the Golden Age is a pretty good answer if that got you to think of something besides going to Buffalo Wild Wings. It is not an acceptable answer however, since Corino accidentally dropped the Golden Age elbow pad on the other side of the ring. Don't ask yourself what the big deal is over that, because you know damn well if that was a remote control for the television you wouldn't want to go get it either.

"Aw yeah son, this is Ricky Christ broadcasting live on 5036.2 The Rick from Madison Triangle Pasture where we got one hell of a show going down. Earlier we saw Lincoln get his s**t ******** in a drive-by and now we got my dad going up against the man who is hailed as the Greatest U.S. President of All-Time. So in commemoration of these two funking it up let's get down to business with this track by none other than a fellow Rick, Rick James! That's right bitches and other bitches, here's Super Freak comin' at'cha." Ricky announces over the radio equipment he "borrowed" from the two guys he "found" knocked out on the floor.

Not only does the song play over the radio as Ricky had intended, but it starts over the sound system in the arena as well. Now that this fight has a soundtrack to go with it Corino seems more serious. Dodging another blow, Steve uses the time it takes George to remove his axe from the fence to grab the Golden Age. He doesn't have any time to change it into a form for fighting though as Washington is back on him in no time.

"Damn it Ricky, why did you choose this song while we're fighting anyway?" Corino yells as he ducks under another aimless swing.

"C'mon now Stevie, don't be so Cold Blooded. This song has energy, style, and it sure sparked a fire under your a**."

"Fine, I guess I'll just have to make you play something a bit more melancholy when I take this guy out."

While Steve mutters this he turns the Golden Age into a rather large knife prior to shoving it into the stomach of Washington. For a moment the crowd looks on in awe, wondering if the fight is over. Shock comes from them shortly afterwards as George rips the Golden Age out of his stomach and throws Corino to the ground. Sitting up Corino finds something unexpected happening where he stabbed George. The president is regenerating his wounds as well as preparing to make a go at cutting Corino in two while he's still on the canvas.

"Shanked! Oh damn, regeneration? That's some straight up DBZ s**t right there folks!" Ricky shouts on commentary as the action continues inside of the steel cage.

Somehow Corino is able to turn the Golden Age into a shield to block the blow of Washington's axe. This only upsets George more, his once calm exterior becoming rage filled and gaining more steam by the second. Thanks to this yet another odd occurrence happens as the puny hand axe Washington has been using turns into a full out battle axe. Such a weapon leaves Steve with a worried expression on his face as he rolls away from Washington. Standing to his feet Corino changes the Golden Age into a lance, hoping to strike from a distance as George rushes forward at him. Shoving the lance forward it rips into the flesh of Washington before the first president of the United States can get to Corino, but a swing from the battle axe leaves the Golden Age lance cut in half!

"Wow, that has to suck. Well then it's about time to change up songs here so why don't we go with this Howlin' Wolf classic, Killing Floor!"

Ricky changing songs has little effect on what is going on in the ring as Corino reforms the Golden Age into a barrier to buy him some time. Washington's wound from where the piece of lance had been lodged regenerates just as well as his wound from earlier, although George doesn't even seem to care. Instead he's going the berserker route of smashing his battle axe into the barrier Corino has around himself. Knowing the Golden Age can't take much more abuse like this before being forced to change forms again, Steve glances over at referee Full Tang to judge his reaction on this. Unfortunately for Corino, the ref doesn't have any intention of stopping this fight or helping either of the competitors.

Deciding on his next course of action, Corino changes the Golden Age into a shotgun after a blow from the battle axe pierces the barrier slightly. The barrel of this shotgun is sawed off and it's definitely loaded which Steve proves by blowing a hole through the body of his opponent. Yet, even after having his innards spilling out, Washington shows no pain and simply lets his wound regenerate. Not knowing what to do in this situation Corino lights up Washington with more shots that leave many in attendance looking away from the carnage in the ring. Even with half his head blown off George is able to keep fighting on as he begins to regenerate even faster.

"Go for the teeth! Go for the teeth! This isn't a very good chant! No it is not!" Chants Ricky in a rhythmless fashion.

Not listening to his son, Steve shoots for a wiser position on Washington. That being his right arm which comes off in a messy fashion and makes the battle axe he had been holding drop to the mat. Besides looking way cool, this gives Corino the time he needs to switch the Golden Age into a katana to make his next move. Getting into position ends up being more of a battle than he figured it might due to Full Tang being where Steve wants to stand.

"Hey, can you move out of the way already? Useless referees..."

Following the theme of random explosive anger from seemingly stupid things, Full Tang pulls out a katana of his own in order to join the combat after this. Shaking his head, Corino quickly changes the Golden Age into a sabre prior to pointing it towards the ground. Thrusting forward with all his might leaves Full Tang exactly where Corino wants him. Kicking his sabre upwards, Corino intercepts the blade of Tang and does a backflip to use the technique he acquired from Meltzer for the first time.

"Counter of Corino: El Flippy Thing!" Shouts Steve as the move connects, leaving Tang with the sabre thrust through his throat.

Blood sprays from this fatal wound as Steve goes to remove his blade, but an unseen event leaves the blade still half in. That event is Washington bringing his battle axe down to cut the right arm of Corino clean off, allowing for more blood shed! Staggering away from Full Tang as he collapses to the canvas, Corino looks at his severed arm as well as Washington with some disbelief. Surely this mofo did not just do that, right? When he finds that his arm really is lying on the crimson stained canvas Corino calmly sighs before moving towards George. The crowd is silent as Ricky notices the music has stopped and gets to finding a new song to play for what looks to be the final showdown between these two.

"Considering how bloody awesome this is, no Britishness intended, I think we need something a bit more METAL for the next song. Crank those speakers up because here comes Wings of Vengeance by Virgin Steele!"

While this song begins to play, Washington lifts his battle axe into the air and goes to cleave Corino's head off once and for all. What he doesn't expect is Corino to stop this battle axe with one finger prior to throwing George onto his back without touching him. As the power of Old School grows inside Corino the fencing from the steel cage rips away from the ring and forms a metallic arm to replace Steve's flesh and blood one. No fear can be sensed from Washington as he jumps back to his feet and swings at Corino as if nothing happened. Unlike last time Corino doesn't just stop the battle axe. Instead Corino shatters it to tiny pieces which find their way into his metallic arm as he stays positioned in the center of the ring.

"Oh man, pops is pissed off now. Glad I stole this popcorn while it was still hot." Ricky says while sitting back in his seat.

Shouting the name of their opponent at each other, Washington and Corino seem to be getting a little too into it. I guess that's up to you to determine as Washington tries to use Steve's little absorption trick like Corino used for his arm. Rather than getting the metal from the cage however, Washington starts to swallow up people from the crowd as he grows bigger and bigger. After getting to a point where the ring collapses underneath him Washington stomps down on Corino who is surprised by the amount of strength the president has gained. It has become so behemoth that all Corino can do to sustain himself against it is roll out of the way after blocking Washington's foot from turning him into dust.

Using his metal arm Corino smashes the ground underneath him prior to rolling away once again, causing Washington to step into a hole which should keep him busy temporarily. Charging towards where the Golden Age is still protruding from Full Tang's neck, Corino dives toward it as Washington removes his foot from the hole. Steve's timing is a moment off however as Washington rips what is left of a person he absorbed out of him and throws them at Corino. Moving out of the way of this somewhat flesh covered skeleton lets it hit the Golden Age and move the weapon further from Corino's grasp. Washington bends down and throws a punch towards the ground after this, one that Corino knows he must block if he doesn't want to risk everything being plunged towards the depths of the Earth.

Placing both his hands outward with his palms pointed towards the sky, Corino takes the blow from Washington head on as most people who are left in the arena flee towards the exit. Bringing his free hand out, Washington summons the last few people around towards him and absorbs them, leaving only Ricky and Corino left alive to face the monstrous Washington. As his power grows even stronger, Corino finds that it might be impossible to stop the fist of Washington which starts to make the ground under Steve collapse. Just when it seems all hope is lost the song that has been playing stops and Ricky goes to find another track to take it's place. This distracts Washington long enough for Corino to muster up his strength and shove George's fist back away from him.

"Man oh man folks, if you didn't get tickets to this show I hope they're recording this because it's quite a spectacle. Up next on my playlist we've got a little Jag Panzer goodness with Frozen In Fear!"

Once Ricky has this song playing Washington goes back to his abnormal, freakishly powerful self as Corino makes a dash towards the Golden Age again. Being able to grab it this time, Corino turns the Golden Age into a laser cannon of some sort which he uses to blast through the arm of Washington who goes for another Earth pulverizing punch. Falling back with a bit of pain strewn across his face Washington screams out in anger, causing the arena to start crumbling around the three. Standing still in this life threatening environment, Corino takes another shot with the laser cannon that rips cleanly into Washington again. Surprisingly enough, George isn't able to regenerate from these shots due to how they disintegrate the cells from his body.

"Corinooooo!" Washington shouts out in anger as he attempts to squash Steve.

"Wahingtoooon!" Replies Corino who simply shoots through George's foot as it comes down on him.

"We are soooo ripping off Akira here. At least we'll admit to it though." States Ricky on commentary prior to the table in front of him being smashed by a chunk of arena.

As Washington stumbles backwards, finding himself in massive amounts of pain, Corino changes the Golden Age into a plasma sword. Measuring up Washington who begins bashing the sides of the arena to try and ease his pain, Steve gets ready to unleash one final attack. Jumping into the air leaves Corino an easy target for a counter attack by George however. Throwing large pieces of rubble at Corino, Washington resorts to doing whatever is necessary to ensure his survival now. One by one these pieces are cut into nothing by single slashes from Corino, the power of Old School flowing through his veins more than he has ever allowed it to before. Once he is at an appropriate height in the air, Corino rips the metallic arm he has off and regrows his right arm prior to holding the Golden Age up above his head.

Over the smears of blood, tattered corpses, and overall unpleasantness Corino floats with full authority. No attack from Washington is even able to touch him as they are all blocked by some unknown force residing around the area where he has taken domain. Not even Ricky has seen anything like this out of his father before as he looks on and drinks a beer which he has been hiding in the left leg of his jeans. No emotion is shown on Corino's face as he summons forth tons of plasma swords all around him from thin air. These are all pointed directly towards Washington who shrinks back, fear finally being brought forth within him. From here Corino has these swords thrust forward into Washington, taking their respective positions in his flesh as Corino jumps up from his current position while shouting out the name of this attack.

"Kings Glory: 10,000 Blades of Crimson!"

Directly after saying this Corino's plasma sword slices down through Washington as he descends to the ground. Turning around away from George, Corino sheathes the Golden Age as Washington suddenly splits in half and the plasma swords from earlier explode to leave nothing left except a rain shower of blood and pieces of organs remaining. Ricky rushes to his father's side after this, knowing that this ordeal must have taken a lot out of him, but surprisingly Corino seems just fine. Not only has he emerged more powerful than before from this battle, he also did it in a chaotic, crazy, cool fashion. Knowing that he has made random referenced pieces of work proud, Corino goes to leave but Ricky stops him.

"Hold up there dad, we've still got to show our sponsors and stuff. You can't just leave after a huge fight like this without doing that!"

"Okay, fine Ricky. Show our sponsors or whatever and let's get going."

Ricky rolls some footage as the two go to the flying basement, which is surprisingly undamaged. The footage is of Hitler and the Nazi party in soundless, black and white clips. Many must be wondering what the deal with this is as flags bearing swastikas are held high in the air and people everywhere are being greatly offended. Just when most might turn this off a black screen comes up with these words on it: |g|e|n|o|c|i|d|e| My Anti-Drug.

Flask 13: Bleed 187 (Part 2)

Author's Note: Welcome to the new season of The Bible II. In this season I promise more explosions, more pointless references, and twice as many nonsensical plot twists. (Everything just said is subject to change excluding the words "welcome", "season", and "as.")

"So, why the hell are we floating above the Atlantic Ocean again?" Corino asks Homicide, the two finally noticing that they have their feet planted solidly on thin air.

"Man, how da ******** am I supposa know dat? I got a b***h a** gol' belt on my shoulda all da suddan too." Homicide replies while attempting to read the letters on the belt.

"I guess it's been so long since the last Flask was released that we kind of forgot what we were fighting about. It's like some kind of deep, meaningful message about wars between enemies who weren't even around to start them."

"Yo, dat iz some deep s**t dawg. Ain't dat ryte Smokes?"

"BRRRRRAT!" Comes a voice from the BMW Z4 which is still parked on top of the water.

"In that case, I think I'm going to go check on how Ricky is doing. I'll give you a call tomorrow, see you at work on Monday. You know the drill."

"Aight man. Peace, Love, and Gap ya white devil."

With that the long time war between Corino and Homicide ended. At least it ended for about three seconds. As Corino turns around to teleport back to Nicke's mansion, Homicide pulls out his gat and fires, leaving a bullet embedded in Steve's back as he suddenly drops down into the ocean.

"What the ******** did you do that for!" Corino yells as he attempts to stay afloat despite the bullet wound leaving him weakened severely.

"You stole my gol' belt son! Why ya gotta pull dat s**t ryte afta we settle dis s**t?"

"I didn't steal anything from you..." Corino says as he begins to lose his ability to stay above the water.

"Bullshit yo' din't! I oughta slash ya throught wita broke bottle ta teach ya betta foo. Les' bounce Smokes."

"BRRRRRAT!"

After getting back in the BMW Homicide leaves along with Smokes to go do whatever it is they do when they aren't giving Corino hell. Probably patrolling the streets of New York, looking for fights, and picking up ho's as they goes. Not that it matters much in terms of the story since one of the main characters is currently drowning with no plot device to save him. Speaking of things that have nothing to do with the story, did you know that no one is good with acronyms anymore? That's why acronyms are having the BWE!

Announcer: "Are you sick of playing an instrument so poorly that even Jesus has started to block you on MSN messenger?"

The seemingly mute man who this advertisement is based around shakes his head to confirm that he is indeed sick of this.

Announcer: "Then what you need, my spiky haired friend, is DRUGS."

"DRUGS? But aren't those illegal in most countries excluding Canada?" The nameless man asks.

Announcer: "Not those kind of DRUGS you inquisitive youngster. Demonic Really Unholy Guitar Stimulants!"

"Demonic Really Unholy Guitar Stimulants?"

Announcer: "That's right, Demonic Really Unholy Guitar Stimulants. Just take half the bottle and you'll think that you're playing like Syu in no time."

"Awesome! I can't wait to start taking these to fool myself into thinking I'm impressing my friends right away!"

Announcer: "Demonic Really Unholy Guitar Stimulants are available at the following retailers: DEALERZ, Syringe City, Ill Pillz. Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, upset stomach, throwing up a kidney, eye socket implosions, and being even worse at the guitar than you were before."

"What the ********, now we're advertising during my regular life too? And even worse while I'm still drowning with no one to save me!" Corino yells out as we come back from commercial break.

"Rop reing ruch a rucking rich." Comes the voice of Scooby Doo from an undisclosed dislocation to help encourage Corino to save himself.

"He called me a ******** b***h. How is that going to encourage me when I've got a gunshot wound?" Corino says in very rude tone that makes me wonder why I do this job.

"Oh so now you're going to worry about me being angry despite the fact that..." I cut Corino off because he's being a really whiny a*****e at the moment.

You know Steve, I think people were actually excited about this so-called Season 2 of The Bible II starting up, but at the moment you're being a real downer. It's like just because you got shot and Homicide left before we could have some big epic battle this entire story is supposed to be about your needs. Well you know what, ******** that. You're not going to be the Homer Simpson of this work of fiction. You're not going to hog the spotlight every chance you get. So either you get your s**t together right now or you're not going to survive this little brush with death, which you invented by the way!

"So are we ripping off Clerks or something now?" Ricky Christ asks as Corino finds himself on the couch back in the Christ Cave.

"What? Wait where am I again?" Corino replies with questions of his own.

"Well you were having some kind of self righteous argument with the narrator in your dream after we fished you out of the Atlantic, but now you're back in the Christ Cave with me." Ricky answers.

"Weren't we heading back to Nicke's mansion? Why did we come back here instead?" Corino questions Ricky further.

"That's the thing, after Homicide was done with you he decided to go trash the mansion. And by 'trash the mansion' I mean put You Got Served on every television in the place, causing it to explode and leave millions of once trapped souls rushing out. Kind of like what happened after Liu Kang beat Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat except with more white kids who thought they were street."

"DAMN!" Shouts Ron Simmons to earn his keep as random cameo of the flask.

"So...does it hurt?" Ricky asks as Corino notices his son couldn't even be assed to take the bullet out of his back.

"Does it hurt? Son, I am a man's man. The kind of man who, while walking through a local Wal-Mart, grabs a bottle of shaving gel off the shelf and proclaims out loud, 'I don't use shaving gel for extra comfort, I use it to remind me where I've shaved so as not to sheer the flesh from my face!'"

"Well that's good because the doctor should be here to take it out any minute. In the meantime, since we're talking about Wal-Mart for some reason or another, I'm going to play HOBO QUEST!"

For those of you unfamiliar with HOBO QUEST, like all of you, it shall now be explained in minimal detail as to go with the rest of the story. Basically in the winter of 2002 a man by the name of, well who really cares what his name is. Anyway this man was a hobo at the time and went on many hobo adventures prior to turning his life around when a fella by the name of Bill Gates decided the Xbox needed a game which could be marketed to people who didn't have any money to buy it. Knowing that his hobo tales were just the type of base such a game needed the man sold the rights to his life to Mr. Gates for a couple million dollars that he would go on to spend on enough drugs and alcohol to kill himself with. Thus HOBO QUEST was made and was the biggest failure ever prior to the PS3.

Currently Ricky is on Stage 3 of HOBO QUEST, the infamous Wal-Mart Hair Wash & Dash. This stage was panned by everyone who had the misfortune to play the game for being completely impossible to figure out. Although there is also a cult following for this stage because of the fact you can go to the home and garden apartment and have The Hobo use a lawn mower on his head. Ricky is one of the people who often do this, especially after getting found out and having the mentally retarded store greeters chase him around. Now is the perfect time to insert your very own "clean up on aisle __" joke since the game has finally loaded up.

Walking into the front of the store, The Hobo finds it amazingly easy to blend in with the rest of those who enter. Not only is he wearing clothes that anyone with a fashion sense wouldn't be caught dead wearing, he's doing it in public. When a shopping cart is nearly forced on him things get a bit tricky. Considering he is a hobo there is a strong, we're talking paternally strong, instinct to take the cart and run. Luckily The Hobo is able to fight this urge and enter like a regular person. He's not out of the water yet though as right in front of him stands a bench. Why did they have to put a bench right near the front door anyway! The bench looks so nice, sleep being tough to get out in the streets when anyone can just come up and piss in your face. The Hobo knows if he lays down on it though it's all over for him. The greeters and employees would know immediately of his status as a moneyless wanderer.

Using his incredible willpower that has been built up by eating what appeared to be a cheese-like substance from the dumpster prior to entering The Hobo is able to get past this bench. Now that the two toughest tests have been passed The Hobo has to figure out a way to get his hair clean and get out. From past experiences Ricky knows that he can't have The Hobo go directly to the shampoo because taking it tips off the employees and putting some in his coat would ruin the coat. This gives Ricky an idea as he places his will back into The Hobo who heads towards where they keep the cling wrap and stuff. Once The Hobo has arrived he quickly makes sure no one is looking and his back is blocking any cameras that would see him as he opens a 50 pack of sandwich bags and takes one before swiftly placing it into his pocket.

"No, this isn't what I want." The Hobo says aloud while shaking his head to hide his deeds prior to moving on.

Now that The Hobo doesn't have to worry about ruining his coat he heads over to the aisle where the shampoo is located. Picking out his favorite he flips the lid and pretends to smell it while looking around. When he sees the coast is clear he squirts a handful into the bag in his coat. Once he has enough he puts the top back on and places it back on the shelf. He pretends to smell a couple more shampoos just in case anyone saw him before moving on. Ricky wonders what exactly to do next before noticing that he has forgotten something vital, something that a person who owns a video game like HOBO QUEST wouldn't even think of, the conditioner!

Unfortunately for The Hobo an annoying hipster is totally blocking the conditioner he wants. Killing such a hipster would be no problem for The Hobo, but his girly cries would most likely alarm anyone in the area. In order to scare him off The Hobo heads back to the electronics department, even though nothing here seems too useful. Trying to find good music in the Wal-Mart music department is insanely difficult as The Hobo finds out quickly, but by some miracle they happen to have a few Black Label Society albums. Now that he has a BLS album The Hobo has to find something to play it on. Since CD players are too difficult to get out of the package The Hobo goes to the stereos and finds what he believes to be the loudest one. Taking the CD out with haste The Hobo places it into the player on the stereo and cranks the volume all the way up before diving for the video game aisle!

The Hobo is able to block out enough sound by covering his ears to keep his head from imploding until the deaf Wal-Mart employees turn the volume on the stereo down. Breathing a sigh of relief that he wasn't caught The Hobo makes his way back to the conditioner where he finds a yellow streak heading out of the aisle. It isn't hard now for The Hobo to get some conditioner and squirt it into the bag in his pocket along with the shampoo. What is going to be difficult is managing to wash his hair with the supplies he has obtained without getting distracted or being found out. Making a beeline for the restroom The Hobo is able to get in without attracting much attention to himself. Another problem awaits him in the restroom though.

This problem is one of where to wash his hair. Usually the toilet would be the best option as it is hidden from anyone who comes into the restroom, but as usual the toilets are filled with leftover waste from other customers. Considering The Hobo still has a small bit of his self respect left he knows he has to use a sink, but it's dangerous if any employees come in. Seeing that he and a rather large man are the only two left in the restroom at the moment The Hobo yells to the guy that there is some candy on the floor. This causes the man to slam his head into the sink when he tries to find the candy and allows The Hobo to move him in front of the door to the restroom. After washing his hair in peace The Hobo moves the man back out of the way and leaves Wal-Mart, thinking that he has succeeded in his mission.

"Woo! I did it! I finally beat Sta-what the ********!" Ricky shouts as The Hobo exits Wal-Mart.

Ricky and The Hobo he is controlling both get a huge surprise when Shopping Cart Guy stops The Hobo and a Boss Fight begins! There is no telling which way Shopping Cart Guy will come at The Hobo as he charges a line of shopping carts through the screen from whatever angle he wants to. After The Hobo has dodged this a couple of times Shopping Cart Guy lets out a poorly voiced laugh and goes for his secondary attack, sending a cart from each side of the screen and having them crash together in the center if The Hobo is able to avoid them. Knowing he can't combat Shopping Cart Guy without a special weapon, The Hobo searches for one and finds it near the top of the screen. Once he has obtained it the power-up reveals itself as a Switchblade Harmonica!

Now The Hobo finds himself juking like Little Walter to avoid the oncoming shopping carts although it isn't until he plays the Switchblade Harmonica that he realizes he can change the direction of the carts with music. Even if Ricky has the urge to ask why Microsoft was clearly ripping off Zelda with this fight he doesn't have the time to as he now has to figure out how The Hobo can attack. Unleashing the blade of the Switchblade Harmonica shows Ricky and The Hobo the way as once the music has changed the direction of the carts Shopping Cart Guy is left completely vulnerable. With a strike that would make Toshiro Mifune's character in Yojimbo proud The Hobo slices into the jugular of Shopping Cart Guy and effectively ends the boss fight.

"I win! I beat Stage 3 and this time I did it for real! I wonder if I can manage to steal a shopping cart now..." Ricky says prior to hearing the Fonzie-Aaay-lert.

"I know you're busy celebrating your victory over a completely retarded video game but could you get that Ricky?" Corino asks his son.

"Yeah...yeah...and the game isn't retarded." Ricky answers before getting the door. "Oh, it's just you Sarah."

"Wait, did you just say..." Corino begins before seeing a familiar face which leaves him far more nervous than Homicide ever has. "Ricky, why did you have to call her?"

"Well you needed a doctor and she's the only one that knows the location of the Christ Cave."

"Yeah...I...but why her..." Corino mutters as Sarah takes a seat near him.

"Why me? I come out her for a thankless job and all you can ask is why. I swear if it wasn't for Ricky you would never pay attention to anyone in your family dad." Sarah says to...wait a second...

HOLEEEE s**t! Corino has a daughter!?

GrouperSoup DVD Special Features - The Giant ******** Sacrilegious Spiders of Rock Debut Single

We're Feeling Overrated (Guns 'N Roses)

Twenty-twenty-twenty two years ago
We were overrated!
Didn't do nothing but ******** up the old
We were overrated!
Just get me some poor lyrics, pick them with the crane
No rush here, our fans are ******** lame
I can't sing worth s**t, my appendix is inflamed
Oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oooh

Twenty-twenty-twenty two years ago
We were overrated!
Didn't do nothing but ******** up the old
We were overrated!
I'm just playing with my balls, 'cause I ain't got no game
No rush here, our fans are ******** lame
I can't sing worth s**t, my appendix is inflamed
Oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oooh

Twenty-twenty-twenty two years ago
We were overrated!
Didn't do nothing but ******** up the old
We were overrated!
Wow with all this cocaine, I'll probably miss the show
All these losers suck, this is gonna blow
I can't control my voice, it's high and then it's low
Oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oooh

Twenty-twenty-twenty two years ago
We were overrated!
Didn't do nothing but ******** up the old
We were overrated!
Wow with all this cocaine, I'll probably miss the show
All these losers suck, this is gonna blow
I can't control my voice, it's high and then it's low
Oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oh d'oooh

Wha-huh-huh-dada-wha-huh-huh-dada We were overrated!
Wha-huh-huh-dada-wha-huh-huh-dada We were overrated!
Wha-huh-huh-dada-wha-huh-huh-dada We were overrated!
Wha-huh-huh-dada-wha-huh-huh-dada We were overrated!

AND WE STILL ARE!