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| JUDGEMENT DAY. |
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| Total Votes : 15 |
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 Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 9:50 am
Judging for the Short Story Contest. Our judges are:
Reeves
Meacorme
Kelti
Each judge will have a separate post.
Score of 1-10 for three categories for each story: Style, Plot, and Characterization.
Count up the average and add any extra comments for each story if you'd like. Don't forget to add the title and the author to the top of each review.
GO.
Note: We will review Siani's once we get a working link! Siani, if you see this, can you resend your story to Mea via PM?
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Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 10:25 am
REEVES'S REVIEWS! "Short Story Entry" by Crono_LeonhartStyle: 9. There is a lot of beautiful phrasing and writing in this story. I love all the descriptions of the dragon and the kingdom that tries to fend him off. Just be careful about your tense changes and be only a little more concise. Plot: 10. This is an excellent rendition of a legend! I especially love how in the end, the story has a purpose, a tale sort of edge. Before that, I kept thinking of Bahamut as in the monster from the Final Fantasy games. I love the story and how it unfolds. Characterization: 6. I'm giving you this score because, unfortunately, it's hard to make a story like yours focused on characters. But I would have liked to learn more about this king and the people in the place he ruled. Your description of the dragon is perfect, though. Extra comments: This was a very fun read! I would think this could be in a storyteller's collection because I had no idea about the outcome! And that's what makes a very good story. In total: 9 + 10 + 6= 25/3 My score for Crono_Leonhart is 8.5!"Fanfic" by DuobladeStyle: 8. There isn't much style to read from, but the scene with Hojo and Vincent is very well written. I can really see the bullets and the room in each sentence. Plot: 5. There's not much to say. I'm not quite sure what the plot is. It just kind of leaves you hanging. Characterization: 7. Okay, they're not your characters, so it's hard to really judge. But the way you portrayed them was rather nice. Extra comments: Next time, adding more to this short story (ironic, eh?) may improve it a lot. Sometimes length is key to making a good plot and good characters. In total: 8 + 5 + 7= 20/3 My score for Duoblade is 6.7!"My Beloved" by Lord NarcissusStyle: 10. What I love about this story is that it doesn't just stick to solid prose. You use a lot of single lines, a lot of italicized thoughts, and a lot of different tangents. You've made your prose more like poetry, and you've made it incredibly beautiful and thought-provoking in the process. Plot: 10. Ah, tortured souls, teen angst, lost love. We can all relate, and it can all be overdone. But again, you've made it so beautiful and real. You've taken a plot that so many teens "feel" and made it into a wonderful work. I always wanted to know what happened next, even if I did hope that a rainbow would appear or something. Characterization:: 10. What can I say? I. love. Gabriel. The thoughts we hear are not overdone, they are merely remnants of a lost love. And I think we'd all go through that if it happened to us. The way he thinks and the way he talks is constant to the rest of the novel. And I'm not trying to be biased here, but I love works where the main character has a few tweaks in the brain. Extra comments: Well, I've pretty much said all I could, only one other sentence remains: WELL DONE. In total: 10 + 10 + 10= 30/3 My score for Lord Narcissus is 10!"The Pond" by Pimpbot 5000Style: 10. The writing, the descriptions, the structure with the seasons; everything was beautifully done and I'm getting the idea that you may have painstakingly written each word. If not, then God damn, you're good. Every different season is filled with amazing metaphor and description. Plot: 10. This kind of plot intertwines with character, and in the end makes an enjoyable plot to read. Following the man (or the boy, whichever) over the months in his pond was quite an adventure. I could tell, though, that it was going to end sadly. Characterization: 10. You took a beautiful description of a pond and added a beautiful character into it. If someone added a weak character into this story it wouldn't counterbalance, and the whole thing would fall apart. I love how you made him the artist and added something to him each season. Extra comments:: What I said to Lord Narcissus. In total: 10 + 10 + 10 = 30/3 My score for Pimpbot 5000 is 10!"Untitled" by SianiStyle: 9. This is a very well-done narrative, filled with paragraphs of feeling and questions. I like how the dialogue is crisp and limited. Just try to space out your paragraphs next time, as it was a little hard to read. Plot: 10. I love the way you made the situation slowly unravel. You didn't just say, "This happened, deal"; you drew us into it and I wanted to know more with each line. The outcome is especially intriguing. Characterization:: 10. I love the balance of the bad boy and good girl. Although the idea is bordering on cliche, the characters were strong and believable. I like it when writers take an idea and make it incredible. Extra comments: Beautiful story. In total: 9 + 10 + 10= 29/3 My score for Siani is 9.7!"Short Story" by Prince PlatypusStyle: 8. A more crisp type of writing, to the point. The only thing I'd recommend is maybe add some more to it so it doesn't just feel like a narration. Plot: 10. The story is incredible, but sad. I kept following along about this Korean struggling to live in a hateful society. The fact that it is told in a letter is a good element, too. Characterization: 8. Your character is strong, but I would've liked to see more of his pain and anger at the end of the story. It seemed a little rushed how he was out on the street. Extra comments: I believe, with a little extra work, that you could really do well with this story. It's an excellent read. In total: 8 + 10 + 8= 26/3 My score for Prince Platypus is 8.7!All in all, I'd recommend either Narcissus's or Pimpbot's story as the winner. Some of these stories, I believe, can even be put in one of those short story books. Despite their flaws, they're all very well done.
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Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 11:50 am
Kelti's Reviews "Short Story" by Prince PlatypusStyle: I give this a 10. Your way of words and the flow kept me hooked. The words used made the situation look so real and the images were clear to me. Great job!
Plot: I also give this a 10. Again, the plot kept me hooked as well, because I was eager to know what would happen to Takamura. I was actually shocked at the end of the story, because I was expecting Takamura to actually be successful, although his Korean background made him struggle.
Characterization: And this I also give a 10. You were extremely strong in describing Takamura, as well as his mother and the Japanese. The characterization made the story very real, seeing that it is actually based off of a historical event.
Other Notes: Although the Korean background was used to describe that they were tortured by the Japanese, wasn't it actually the Chinese who were tortured during the Pacific War? If I recall in World History, I thought the Chinese and Japanese were at war with eachother during 1938...but, then again, I may also be thinking of the Rape of Nanking.. confused
Total: 10+10+10 = 30/3 = 10. "My Beloved" by Lord NarcissusStyle: 10. The words used made the story absolutely beautiful. The images were very vivid and it gave off a dreamy atmosphere. I love how it transitioned and how the character had an internal conflict going on inside of him.
Plot: 10. I like how the reader infers what the story is about rather than a "First, then, and finally..." plot, which is mostly obvious in a lot of stories. Reading the story is the plot itself; you have to read it to know what it's about. Just the title alone doesn't tell you what the story is.
Characterization: 10. I like the use of the first-person point of view and the description of the girl. The fact that readers have to infer what types of people the two characters are makes the story all the more better.
Other Notes: Why isn't this in any of the Literature books?
Total: 10+10+10 = 30/3 = 10. "Short Story Entry" by DuobladeStyle: I'll give this an 7. It could be just because I don't believe in happy endings and that reading something sad is like a breath of relief, but the descriptions definitely give the story a very dark atmosphere. The little details are well-written, too. However, the only things that irk me are that there's no suspense build-up and it doesn't leave the reader on his edge, thinking, "What's going to happen next?!", as those types of predicaments usually give off that vibe. A lack of description of the building may have also taken away some of the spook.
Plot: I have to give this a 5. At first, when I was reading this, I was thinking, "Okay, someone wants to avenge his love and it's his last chance.", but as I continued reading, the last sentence made me go, "WTH? Where did that come from?" There isn't really a storyline to this piece. The biggie is that those who haven't heard of FF7 would have no idea what the significance was of transitioning from Vincent to Cloud.
Characterization: I'll give this a 6 because the characters weren't original. The lack of physical detail also is difficult to put a face on the characters for me, as I have never played FF7 before.
Other Notes: Good details of the predicament, but it would be more meaningful if the characters were replaced with your own and there was a build-up from that.
Total: 7+5+6 = 18/3 = 6. "The Pond Year Round" by Pimpbot 5000Style: I give this a 9. Your words were absolutely beautiful. I love how you used lots of details; however, because of all the details I sometimes got lost while reading... sweatdrop
Plot: I also give this a 9. Again, I refer to the details. I felt that there were more details rather than an actual plot. If you didn't add the end of what the pond's fate would have been, I would've been unable to identify what the short story was even about. It would've left me hanging with ambiguity. But I do like how this is another short story that does not have a happy ending.
Characterization: I give this a 10. Although there was only one character who was described, I loved how readers could infer the type of personality he had and what his desires were. Just from the get-go, you could immediately tell that he loved his pond without you having to state it bluntly, which would've taken a lot of the beauty out of the story.
Other Notes: I came across a few tense and punctuation errors, but, overall, very beautiful. The use of the seasons in this and how the short story was organized was done very well. :3
Total: 9+9+10 = 28/3 = 9.5. "Short Story Entry" by Crono LeonhartStyle: I'll give this here an 8. I like how the story started with the description of the ferocious dragon, as it builds a good exposition and builds up on suspense and other complications in the story. The descriptions were well-written, too. However, the only things that dropped your score was the changing tense from present to past. It threw me off and made it a little difficult for me to follow. Also, the transition between describing the dragon to the shabby kingdom was a bit choppy for me as well... sweatdrop
Plot: I'll give this an 9. One of my favorite short stories to read are how certain species have evolved to their modern characteristics. An example would be Kipling's Just So Stories, in which Kipling tells how the whale got his throat and how the camel got his hump. Stories like those makes us wonder and make it most certainly interesting about how organisms develop besides the one-worded boring answer: "Evolution."
Characterization: I'll give this a 7. There wasn't much characterization with the exception of the dragon and the king. Although the dragon was described very well, there was little description of the king himself, but only his kingdom. I felt myself hanging at the lack of the king's description.
Other Notes: Good descriptions, good plot, and good myth/folklore/short story, but there could be a lot of improvements on grammar and tense consistency. The lack of commas and tense changes kinda got me lost in the middle of the story... sweatdrop
Total: 8+9+7 = 24/3 = 8.
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Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 7:42 pm
Mea's Reviews Be warned; I'm a meaner judge of writing than I am on avatars. "Untitled" by Siani*Style: 9. Although it's a good story style, I'd like to see you separate your quotes more and divide your paragraphs (some) into smaller ones so the story flows easier; it's structured in a bit of a choppy way. *Plot: 10. You took a nice plot that gave room for character growth and description. It's not a bogged down plot, but it's simple and nice to read. *Characterization: 10. Your main character is simply amazing. She is a fantastic character because in the course of such a short story, she grows. She turns from the questioning, "I'm not sure what I want" girl and, like any normal human, realizes what she truly desires. <3 *Other Notes: I like this story! Avoid long paragraphs and separate your dialogue from the paragraphs. Also, be sure to avoid ellipses "..." unless absolutely necessary. Overall, good job. Total: 8 + 10 + 10 = 29/3 = 9.6!"Short Story" by Prince Platypus*Style: 7. Wow. Intense style. Choosing a style of a letter automatically connects the reader; your narrator is writing to them. However, you may want to split up your paragraphs. After all, it is a letter; a formal style can be overwhelming, and you can lighten it by simplifying a few of your sentences and paragraph structures. *Plot: 8. Me likies! This is a well thought out and produced plot. You address each issue. Unfortunately, with your longer sentences and such, it gets a bit hard to detect. But overall, nice. *Characterization: 9. This is definitely your strong point. Takamura is a well developed and strong character. You can tell what he feels about his life and the world, especially since it's a suicide note. *Other Notes: Forgive me for such a distracted review (TONY'S ARE ON), but I just want to say that this is a very nice piece. Just simplify it a bit and you're on your way! *Total: 7 + 8 + 9 = 24/3 = 8!"My Beloved" by Lord Narcissus*Style: 8. Absolutely lovely. You made it different by having a poetry like flow, like a train of thought. The only problem I had with it is that occasionally the flow would distract from a fw things you tried to say; sometimes you should have 2 lines instead of "line, space, line, space" in order to keep up the variation. But overall, it's beautiful. *Plot: 10. You turned a stereotypical plot (boy loses girl) to a beautiful story. I can feel the story unfold; it's simple, and that's what makes it so real. *Characterization: 10. Gabriel is a beautifully developed and human character. He has real feelings, real thoughts, and real emotions. I applaud you on such wonderful characterization. *Other Notes: I loved this story. It touched me. Gabriel's memory is written beautifully, and you make a stunning contrast between Gabriel's past and present. Good job! *Total: 8 + 10 + 10 = 28/3 = 9.4!"Short Story Entry" by Duoblade*Style: 5. Yeah, I know the journal format is kind of wonky. You also tend to make run on sentences. Sometimes, add periods rather than commas, and make sure your structure isn't as rambling. For instance, "He glances around the wooden corner of the cargo box that he rests behind, his sad eyes travel across the floor, past the fallen body of his love, Lucrecia, never to breathe the sweet breath of life again, to the desk that hides her killer, Professor Archamedis Hojo, his gaze returns to the wall in front of him (back to the box) and presses the side of the barrel to his forehead." can be split up into several different sentences. Don't comma splice! (That's adding a comma where there should be a period. The splices here are in red.) *Plot: 6. Because it's a fanfic, I can't give you too much credit on the plot. However, you do write a good little short excerpt, and you stay true to what the context has given you, so I won't give you anything less than the 6. *Characterization: 7. This is the strongest point of your writing. However, like I said, you didn't create your character. You do give him feelings though instead of just putting him there, so I applaud you. *Other Notes: I personally think you should write an original story. It'll give you the opportunity to develop a plot and character that can be judged by creativity. Fanfics can only show so much talent; your real talent will shine through once you make something from scratch. *Total: 5 + 6 + 7 = 18/3 = 6!"The Pond Year Round" by Pimpbot 5000*Style: 10. Yes, they're long paragraphs. But they work. I love the organization of the story into seasons. It makes the plot relate through the style directly. I also adore your descriptions. Your metaphors, similes, and other imagery are brilliant. *Plot: 10. Once again, like Lordy's, a simple plot made lovely. You take a very sensitive subject (a special place) and show what happens when it's destroyed. It's a subject we can all relate to, and you did a good job. *Characterization: 10. Your character is not especially vivid, but that's okay. He fits in because in a way, he's part of his place. You give him human thoughts, like the hot chocolate and marshmallows he loves or the way he'll never paint again. *Other Notes: I love it! It's a lovely story. Keep up the good work. Only note: watch tenses. You lapsed into present at one point when in past. Keep it consistent. *Total: 10 + 10 + 10 = 30/3 = 10!"Short Story Entry" by Crono Leonhart*Style: 7. Nice, nice. However, you tend to switch off between past and present tenses. Since it is meant to be a legend, stick to the past. Also, there were grammatical and spelling errors that can be easily fixed. My suggestion to you would be to split up your sentences and paragraphs more in order to make it more concise. That way the beauty of your words will flow more. *Plot: 6. A nice plot. It's good that you made it in the style of a myth, like "This is how this became this." However, because the slaying of a dragon can be so cliche, you've gotta add your own spin to it. It's a good start, but you need to spice it up so readers don't go like "We've heard this before." *Characterization: 6. Yes, I know, short stories are incredibly hard to characterize in, but both the king and dragon seem to be entirely one dimensional. The king is valiant, the dragon is fierce, good and evil, black and white. Perhaps you should make the young king more fearful; after all, it's a dragon. Bahamut for that matter! *Other Notes: This is well written for the most part, but you have one more step; make it yours! Dragons are a tedious plot; you've written very nicely, but now you need to push the limits. *Total: 7 + 6 + 6 = 19/3 = a score of 6.3!I didn't get to see Siani's story, so this might change, but my highest score goes to Pimpbot. <3 She's my pick for winner thus far.
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 3:27 pm
Okay, so Lyzz can't judge because of her injury. So is anyone else up for judging?
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:26 pm
Who will take her place?
o.o
I would... but seeing as I'm already in the grading phase, and tied with my arch-nemesis/evil twin, I'd rather not.
^__-;;
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 12:15 am
Lord Narcissus
Who will take her place?
o.o
I would... but seeing as I'm already in the grading phase, and tied with my arch-nemesis/evil twin, I'd rather not.
^__-;;
BWAHAHAHAHA. . .I mean. . .Um. >.> <.< No one heard that.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 12:40 am
Pimpbot 5000 Lord Narcissus
Who will take her place?
o.o
I would... but seeing as I'm already in the grading phase, and tied with my arch-nemesis/evil twin, I'd rather not.
^__-;;
BWAHAHAHAHA. . .I mean. . .Um. >.> <.< No one heard that.
Heard what?
o.o
But really, you got this thing in the bag.
Once all the judges have tipped in though, seeing as we already have three Tens (myne twice, doesn't count - since you'll have that one too) I think if we have a tie of perfect scores, we should just have a poll for the public to vote for the winner there.
After it's all been narrowed down.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:20 pm
Your stories are both so different and cool.
I see it...the ultimate STORY SHOWDOWN.
(Thunder cracks)
IN THE NAME OF LITERATURE!
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:39 pm
Reeves Your stories are both so different and cool. I see it...the ultimate STORY SHOWDOWN. (Thunder cracks) IN THE NAME OF LITERATURE!
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:04 pm
Or we could have a gladitorial battle to the death! biggrin Dibs on the Net and Trident!
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:31 pm
Pimpbot 5000 Or we could have a gladitorial battle to the death! biggrin Dibs on the Net and Trident! Ooh, Lordy with a shield and sword sounds pretty nifty.
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:56 pm
Psh, nevermind.
Pimpbot already has the highest average.
And I lost my 10 streak.
Assuming PB get's the same score from Kelti (not a big leap for that guess, now is it. XP)
In any case, congrats to Pimpbot!
I knew you'd kick my a**.
^__^;;
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Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:25 am
...WHAT?! MEA GAVE YOU A 9?!
She ruined a perfectly decent showdown! crying
Joke, joke.
But still, decent showdown.
Joke, but still, joke, AHHHHHHH BRAIN!
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Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:20 pm
Lord Narcissus
Psh, nevermind.
Pimpbot already has the highest average.
And I lost my 10 streak.
Assuming PB get's the same score from Kelti (not a big leap for that guess, now is it. XP)
In any case, congrats to Pimpbot!
I knew you'd kick my a**.
^__^;;
You never know, maybe Kelti hates ponds or something. sad
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