Joy
By: Redheero
By: Redheero
Like the clearing of the sky after a terrible storm, so does my heart seem to be when I think about my life. Hello, my name is Joy. I am the daughter of an ex-mob boss, but father left that life a long time ago when he met my mother. Heh, it’s funny, I guess you could call my mother a super hero. But she died a long time ago when I was young. I can’t even remember her face. My father tells me that when he met her, he gave up everything just to be with her. His friends, his family, those he truly cared about all became his enemies. They chased my father and mother for a long time, but in the end, my mother gave up her life to give us a new one. It’s strange, I can’t even remember her face, but her voice echoes in my mind. A voice of pure love. Love. If I needed a word to describe them it would be love. So my father changed his name to Setsuai, which means deep love, or Setsu for short. Living where we did people thought he was odd, but he always had a kind smile on his face and in his eyes.
Why am I telling you this? Well that’s a silly question. It’s because I want you to understand. Understand why my name is joy, and why joy is denied me. Perhaps I’m being selfish, but, I feel like that storm is about to descend on my life again. Maybe now, maybe I can understand my mother’s name. And why, why she too was denied the feeling for which she was named. The name her family gave her, the name they longer for as well, the name for which we were all denied…
Chapter 1 Young Girl
A calm summer rain descended on the park’s grassy path. The grass swayed lightly in the rain as the figure of a young girl walked along. Her black shoes treaded lightly as the ground began to soften. The few trees around shook their leaves in the gentle breeze as the small pond echoed with each drop that broke its surface. Children about the playground screamed in mock fear and ran to their waiting families. Small animals and bugs scurried away to their homes while pets and their owners ran off for shelter.
She walked slowly along the deepening mud as her dark blue dress sank in the rain. Her long brown hair blew loose about her as her face stared intently at the ground. Her light blue eyes deepened at unshed tears while her arms hung limp at her side. Her lips stayed fixed in neither a smile nor a frown, like a picture carved in stone. Her long legs dragged themselves against the ground kicking up more mud as the rain started to pour harder.
She continued like that for a time, just letting the deepening silence surround her. Silence pierced only by the deafening rain that shattered itself against anything that blocked its path. She liked that silence, that silence that made her feel like the world was coming to an end, that end that she wished would come, that end she felt had already happened. Her world was over, it died long ago, only now it had come to remind her just how lonely and sad it was, like the silence of noise, the smell of rain fated to come, the beginning of the end.
The rain increased in its fury as lighting flashed far off in the distance. Thunder came to greet her as the last of her strength gave way. She fell upon her knees and knelt there wondering about her life. Tears came unbidden to her eyes as the events of the day forced its way into her mind.
Happy. She wanted to be happy. Perhaps she had once been happy. Yes, she was happy then. She wanted that happiness back. But it wouldn’t. Never again would she find that happiness, that joy.
Her world darkened as she wept upon the ground. The wind blew across her as lightning illuminated the park around her. A figure stood black for a moment against the light. The rain in her eyes clouded them as much as her tears had so she couldn’t see the face. But even then, the girl could see she was crying. But in that face of tears she saw love, love that had been forgotten long ago, love that had left. Darkness again descended on the world and she was left there alone. Alone, a thing she hated the most, something she now had to feel forever.
She tried to stand as a light appeared behind her. Words were spoken but she couldn’t hear them anymore. She fell trying to stand and everything gave way to darkness, and she welcomed it.
Warmth around her woke her. She opened her eyes to see the living room of her home. A blanket was draped over her on the couch and her wet clothes had been changed to a dry bathrobe. A fire had been put in the fireplace as a man sat next to her asleep in a big chair. She looked up to her ceiling and stared into the darkness. She wondered at the world around her for a time. ‘Darkness. Darkness is simply the absence of light. A nothingness that has no form or purpose. It cannot attack nor harm but still we all fear it. We fear what we cannot see, that which the darkness hides and causes us to fear it. Fear. Fear is the essence of not wanting to die. Fear will drive one to insanity or to distances ourselves from others. Isn’t it funny, that fearing death will get us killed. Death. Is death simply the absence of life? So is death simply darkness? Are you there, in that darkness? Both or you?’
“So you’re awake now.” The man in the chair stirred and ruffled his damp clothes. The concern in his brown eyes shown deep as his face wrinkled at the strain of deep emotion. His voice betrayed the worry he had felt earlier. “You worried everyone, you know. We were searching all day for you.” He stood and his black shirt and shorts clung to his damp body. He stood over where she lay on the couch then leaned over to kiss her on her forehead.
“I’m sorry,” she managed to mumble out.
“It’s alright, I understand. But you need to think ahead,” he said as he sat beside her. His short black hair look mangled as he unconsciously ran his had through it, “But a fourteen-year-old shouldn’t wander alone by herself. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.”
She squinted at his words. Loneliness gripped at her again, a loneliness that her father could never hope to fill. She closed her eyes and pictured a face she would never see again, a face that too was filled with love. But love had never brought her happiness, it had never brought joy.
“Joy?” the man called out to her, “Joy, I know that you think you loved him but…”
Joy lashed out and shoved her father off the couch, “WHAT DO YOU KNOW! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW!”
Silence pierced the room again, but it was not the noisy silence of the blissful rain, but the dead silence of a dying heart. The man recovered from the girl’s outburst and stood next to her. “I do know Joy. I know what it feels like to love. I also know what it is like to loose that. But time marches forward as we who are still alive must do as well. It hurts now yes, but in time it will go away and become a sad memory we lock deep within ourselves, a memory that we either accept or let it consume us.”
The girl sat up and hugged her legs tightly. “You call yourself Setsuai, you call yourself deep love, but I don’t believe that you know love.”
Setsu staggered back from her comment. It was a deep blow to him but he still loved her. He hung his head down and spoke in sadness, “Daughter, I do love you. Never think otherwise.” He left he there as he went to his room. Wearied from the day he trudged along to his meager retreat.
She sat there weeping for a while. The mild rain on the roof soon stopped as the clouds parted. Light from a clear morning shined on her from the window as she stood and placed the blanket back onto the couch. She turned to gaze out at the morning sun. A sun that shone black in her heart. She would make them see this black sun. They would understand that there are consequences that cannot be kept away with lies and money. She would teach them. “I will kill them.”
She giggled at the irony of it all, then she laughed, she laughed even harder till she became almost hysterical with it. Had Setsu been listening, had he heard things might not have happened. She might not have left then.
When I think of that time wonder what would have happened had I been afraid? What if I had been happy? Would I have still left that day? Then I realize yes, I would have. Had I the ability to do it again I would not have changed my mind. Perhaps that is my destiny. To never regret my actions. To never wonder ‘what if?’ Maybe that is the fate of my family determined long ago by forces unknown. Maybe even ‘she’ had something to do with it. Then again, it was fun…
