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 Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:35 pm
Most of the poems I write are influenced by the stories I write, so this one is base on two of my characters. Enjoy, oh and tell me what you think as always. Peace
No title:
Can a woman of the air marry a man of fire?
The two elements can conflict with each other and yet,
when these two hold their peace they can share a desire
Soft and calm is her breeze when she runs her hands over his chest,
of obsession and gratification are his hands when they rub her back.
This is the only time these two people are at their best.
When she is tranquil, her current of air is tender and allows the
creature of the skies to move with ease around her.
When he is quiet, his flames are passionate and provides a
warmth for other beings and beasts alike, but when he
lusts after her breath, he grows in strength and so grabs her.
No longer is he a comfort to her or anyone else, now he be
danger. He steals a kiss from her lips and draws away the fresh air
within her body that allows him to grow and expand. Now
a raging, conflagration of vehement, he abandons her to the ground. There
she is neither dead, though very much alive, and so does her
fury grow. She neither steals energy from another element but
ruptures the chains that bounds a forbidden Zephyr. She no longer
listens to the God that gave her control of the storms,
he listens to his God who lives in the essence of his body.
Now a hurricane of ferocity, she encases her love and forms
a seal around his rampant body. He looks up to her eyes and sees
his love. He grabs for her but her arms of flurry pushes him back.
The lady of the winds has contained him. She forces a soft breeze
to sail over his face. He closes his eyes to feel her breath;
so cool and so powerful but without oxygen to sustain his size.
Ceased and hypnotized he cannot save himself from a death,
But she would not suffocate him, for she loves him. Now
they lose their power and become human once more. With
his head on her chest she wonders and asks herself how.
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 7:58 pm
I'll make some vague suggestions on areas in an attempt to help you without influencing you in a fashion that'll prove detrimental to your work. Queeny No title: Can a woman of the air marry a man of fire? The two elements can conflict with each other and yet, when these two hold their peace they can share a desire Soft and calm is her breeze when she runs her hands over his chest, of obsession and gratification are his hands when they rub her back. This is the only time these two people are at their best. You start out very strong, with a clear rhyme scheme and a nice structure. Queeny When she is tranquil, her current of air is tender and allows the creature of the skies to move with ease around her. When he is quiet, his flames are passionate and provides a But here you break the rhyme scheme. I myself am not a fan of rhyming, so I don't blame you. Queeny warmth for other beings and beasts alike, but when he lusts after her breath, he grows in strength and so grabs her. No longer is he a comfort to her or anyone else, now he be danger. He steals a kiss from her lips and draws away the fresh air within her body that allows him to grow and expand. Now a raging, conflagration of vehement, he abandons her to the ground.There Here you've begun to change the very style of your poem and you begin to lose beat. Queeny she is neither dead, though very much alive, and so does her fury grow. She neither steals energy from another element but ruptures the chains that bounds a forbidden Zephyr. She no longer listens to the God that gave her control of the storms, he listens to his God who lives in the essence of his body. Now a hurricane of ferocity, she encases her love and forms a seal around his rampant body. He looks up to her eyes and sees his love. He grabs for her but her arms of flurry pushes him back. The lady of the winds has contained him. She forces a soft breeze to sail over his face. He closes his eyes to feel her breath; so cool and so powerful but without oxygen to sustain his size. Ceased and hypnotized he cannot save himself from a death, But she would not suffocate him, for she loves him. Now they lose their power and become human once more. With his head on her chest she wonders and asks herself how. It seems you may have become a victim to the story. Look back and see if you'd like to change it. Otherwise it's wonderful piece with fantastic imagery. I hope I wasn't rude...
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:20 pm
Very good I like it, just alittle rewrite as stated above, but it is fine to me. I hope to see more from you, my royal queen! hehe
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 2:55 am
Ah, thanks a lot you guys for reading and you're views are very ture. I tried to keep it to a meteric beat of 13... but gave up and I realised the words I used changed.
Oh no, your views aren't rude at all. (I get the same feeling when I edit the stories in here!) I'll give it another shot but not for a long time. Poems are really not my thing but thanks again.
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 7:41 am
Hmm, you don't think the and a rhyme? change your pronouncation of it and it can work. Say it like you are saying 'her' and not 'A' but if that be the case I'll have to find something else. Gracias!
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 9:42 am
as stated above, you did kind of loose it at the end, but excillent use of imagery, i think.
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