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This thread is there if you need advice, want to vent, or even just need to talk about something and don't want to take it into the Life Issues forum.

...

And I had selfish reasons to start this thread, because I really need to get a few things off my chest. Input would be greatly appreciated.

As some of you know, my boyfriend and me have recently split up, after 8 years of living together. And I was and am very sad about that, but if I'm completely honest with myself, it was high time we split up. Maybe we shouldn't ever have gotten together. You see, we were best friends before we were a couple, and the rest sort of happened from there. We loved each other, still do in a way, but sometimes I think that deep down we were never really more than just very close friends who got confused about their feelings... Do you know what I mean? There's so many different kinds of love - you can love a brother, or you can love a friend -, and not every kind is the right basis for a relationship.

The thing is, I'm going on 29, but emotionally, I sometimes feel like a teenager. I've only been in two serious relationships in my life, and one of them wasn't exactly normal.

I never went through the usual phase that teenagers usually go through - going out, dating, being in love with a different boy every month, you know?

I was a seriously late bloomer, and my father was very strict and didn't allow me to go out much. I got my first boyfriend with 18, and we stayed together for 2 and a half years. His family hated me because of my nationality and religion, but he never really did anything to defend me, even when his mother called me a whore... She even tried to hit me a couple of times, and once, she screamed at me that she would kill me if I didn't stay away from her son. It was not a very good time. He didn't like to go out, and he disapproved of many of my friends... I was rather isolated. The one person who kept me sane during that time, my friend Nada, was murdered in 1999.

Eventually, after a botched suicide attempt that I'm not proud of, I found the courage to end the relationship. A relatively short time after that, after a very short relationship with a girl (hope nobody here has a problem with bisexuality?), Marco (one of the few friends Mustafa approved of, ironically) and me got together, and as you know, we stayed together for more than 8 years.

Now that is over, and thankfully, Marco and me have talked things through and decided that we will stay friends. So, that is good, even if we're both still very confused and hurting. No matter what we are to each other now, we were together for 8 years, and you don't just shake that off over night. I miss him. I cry a lot.

I've now started doing things I didn't do as a teenager - I go out a lot at the moment, I go to concerts, meet new people, make new friends...

And then there's HIM.

Two years ago, I met him on my best friend's birthday party, and I immediately liked him. A lot. He was funny, nice and really, really smart. But I pushed those feelings away, because there was Marco, and if I'm together with somebody, I'm faithful. I could never betray my significant other and look myself in the face in the mirror afterwards. So, I told myself that it was just a superficial attraction and locked the feelings away.

I didn't see him for at least half a year, and I'd almost forgotten about him. Then my best friend brought him to our roleplaying group, and he joined. And it was clear as day that my best friend was head over heels in love with him. Another very good reason to keep my distance, right?

After that, when I went out with my best friend, he usually came along. Sometimes, Marco, me, my best friend and him went to see a movie together or spent a quiet night at home at our place or at my best friend's place. And I told myself that I just liked him as a friend, and it worked quite well.

Then, Halloween night last year, we did a murder mystery weekend at my best friend's place. You know - you have a dozen or so players, a "murder" happens, and the players have to find out who the murderer was. You really act it out, it's like improvisation theatre without an audience.

He was the murderer, I was his accomplice. We were getting dressed in a tiny room, with our backs to each other, naturally. I turned around to find him dressed in an 18th century formal suit, complete with hat, gloves and walking stick... He looked stunning. When I fumbled with the buttons on my jacket - I was wearing silk gloves and couldn't get a good grip on the buttons - he stepped closer and buttoned them for me, and it just... hit me that I was very much attracted to him. Butterflies. That he took off his gloves to carefully put fake blood on my face and neck didn't help that any.

Nothing happened that night (as I've said, I'd never do anything like that), but the whole experience just brought us closer together... Live-roleplay can be a wicked rush.

After he'd gone that night, I asked my best friend if she was still in love with him, and she said she wasn't. There was still Marco to consider, though, so I tried very hard to pretend that it was just a harmless little crush, if that. I did love Marco, you know?

It just didn't work. It didn't work. As hard as I tried to surpress my feelings, it didn't work... I didn't act on them, but I still felt like the worst piece of scum. But still, I thought I could eventually get over this crush.

Then my best friend said she'd reconsidered, and she wanted him, after all. To sum a very ugly story up short, she asked him to be her boyfriend, he agreed, and she broke his heart and stomped on the pieces for good measure. Then she left him. In her defense, she hadn't really meant to do this... When she called me to tell me that she'd broken up with him, she was crying hysterically. The one thing she kept repeating was: "We'll never see him again... Do you realize? We'll never see him again..."

I tried to comfort her for at least two hours, before she hung up. Then I completely broke down. The thought of never seing him again was simply unbearable.

For three weeks, he disappeared. My friend got over it quickly, but I suffered like a dog. When he called her to say that he'd like to come back and try to be friends with her, I started crying and couldn't stop, I was just so relieved.

And at this point, it just became impossible to go on pretending that it was just a superficial little crush. I was in love with him. But I loved Marco, too - but more and more I realized that I loved him in completely the wrong way.

I didn't want to hurt Marco, so when he decided to break off the relationship, I was half relieved, even if it still hurt terribly. Marco was the one who said it out loud - that by now, he was feeling about me as he would about a sister.

So.

Now I'm single, and my emotions are a bloody mess. I miss Marco. I hurt for what we have lost. I grieve that it didn't work out. I'd thought we'd grow old together, you know? Maybe even marry and have kids.

And HE - he's still in love with my best friend, no matter how bad she's treated him. The odd thing is that we've become rather close. Everybody tells me that he never talks about his feelings, but he does with me, and he listens when I need somebody to talk to. But it's her he loves. And I've never, in my whole life, been as madly in love with anybody as I'm in love with him now. I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him if I haven't seen him for a day. I hurt when he isn't feeling well. When I know I'll be seing him on the weekend, I look forward to it all week. It most likely sounds immature and childish, but there's this absolute certainty that he is "the one", you know?

What a mess.

Sometimes, I think there's hope. A while ago, he told me a secret - something he's only ever told two people in his life. He's told the girl he was together with for 8 years, and he's told my best friend. Now he has told me. Then he looked at me, bewildered, and said: "I don't know why I told you that... It just felt right."

And two weeks ago or so, he said: "I love her... I can't help that. But I'll get over her, with time."

I know that at this point, it would propably be a good idea for me to stay single for a while and sort out my emotions, find out who I am... I haven't been single for any significant amount in the last 10 years.

My mind tells me to try to forget him; maybe stop seing him to make it easier. But it hurts too much to even consider that. My heart stubbornly insists that I can't give up without a fight.

*sigh*

*hugs*

It's good that you are getting a chance to do "single" stuff. I got divorced six years ago and I don't get that chance because I have a child. Now he's at school I get to do the afternoon tea type thing with friends but it's not like I go out to clubs or anything.

Do you mind me asking if Mustafa is a Turkish name? I have had a few days of teaching at the Turkish school here and there was a Mustafa in Grade 5 or 6.

I really don't know what you should or shouldn't do about this guy. I'm 39 and I still don't know how you let someone know that you like them without ending up embarrassed because they don't feel the same way or not doing anything and ending up regretting a missed chance.

I'm thinking that if you rush into anything, Marco will feel like he meant nothing to you, for you to be able to get involved with someone else so soon. I'm also worrying that someone else might snatch up this new guy before you get the chance. But if you mean anything to this guy, I don't think that would happen.

Why is life always so complicated hey?

Wow, must get the link for Potion Pets from you. Just saw one of your latest pets in your sig.

Sounds like you can take your time with this new guy. It would be for the best all round then. I'm one of those people who can't help worry about what others are thinking, even if it's not true. As in, if you rush into something and Marco feels he meant nothing, not to mention any mutual friends who might then see you as the one who ended the relationship.

I'm Catholic myself. I'll post more about that school later, my son is waiting for the computer. I don't know what I'm typing with him in my ear.

I have to say that the problem I'm going to rant about right now isn't quite so.. hm... eh, why not, "adult" as yours (I'm 15) but I want to air it out ot someones who no nothing about anyone invoved, and hence, is totally objective.

Some background first; I go to a private school, grades 6-12. (there are 456 students. total. O.o) I'm currently a freshman, and have ben going here since 6th grade; everyone involved here has as well, excluding Matt, who joined us this year.

Marsha doesn't have the most stable home environment, and is somewhat messed up due to that. (her parents are pretty strictly catholic, and she thinks she might be gay. Also, she doesn't believe in God, etc.) Lindsay knows for sure she's gay, and is currently excommunicated from Laura, her best friend/girlfriend, but Laura's parents, who want to control who she is. Genevieve's parents are too controlling, and give her only the barest amount of privacy. (as in, they search her room for anything illegal, allow her 3 internet sites, and won't let her have email. and theres more.) So Genevieve doesn't really have a clear view on how to trust someone, since she doesn't ahve a good example at home. Pavel and Matt are both major computer nerds (nothing wrong with that! whee ) and are also having some family problems, but don't really effect the story.
Anyways, Marsha recently (the past year or so) began cutting herself; I'm not entirely sure what started it, but I do know that she does it whenever she's done something "wrong" or bad". She's recently (the last month) been able to stop some of it, under pressure from us, but whenever anyone mentions their feelings, anything stronger than friendship, or dislike, towards her, she puls out something sharp. I think that started from seeing her parent's maritial relationship; poor at best.

It really all seems that this year everyone has gotten worse; basically, since Laura was sent to her district's public school. She was pretty much our (beign the group's) anchor; she held up when we all leaned on her, we told her what bad things were happening, and she always gave us exactly what we needed to hear. And now we hardly ever see her, and it just feels like we're trying to lean on something thats not there, and trying to make up for it by leaning on each other; but none of us are strong enough to hold ourselves up.

Heh; that got more metiphorical than I meant to, but you know what I mean.

Draklai, before I say anything else, I should propably menation that I'm a cutter myself; have been for the last 14 years. While that undoubtledly colours my judgement, it also means that I know quite a bit about self injury, though.

Try not to put too much pressure on Marsha - in most cases, self injury is a survival mechanism. A rather self-destructive survival mechanism, true, but it serves a purpose, and the person who uses it needs it. It's almost impossible to just stop from one day to the next. The underlying problems need to be solved, or new mechanisms to deal with them need to be found - and that's much, much harder than it sounds. In fact, to just stop from one day to the next can be dangerous; cutting (through the pain and emotional excitement of cutting) directly influences the serotonin level in the brain, much like anti-depressants do, and if that just stops, all the pressure and the problems the cutter was suffering from, and which drove them to cut in the first place, could come crashing down on them.

Therapy would be a good idea for Marsha, maybe even mild anti-depressants. And the support of friends is going to be important for her, too. Just be there for her, show her that you don't think less of her because she cuts. Show here that you accept her no matter what she does, that she's allowed to be imperfect and you'll still be her friends. I'm not saying you should approve of her self injury, just don't give her the impression that you won't like her anymore because of it, you know?

Also, if Marsha has internet access, you might point her to the "Bodies under siege" forums - an excellent place to find information and support.

--> http://buslist.org/phpBB/

I know this is not going to sound very convincing from somebody who hasn't been able to stop in 14 years... but I didn't get any support when I started doing it, and the longer you're in the habit, the harder it is to get out. It's not yet too late for her.

And for the rest... I don't really know what advice to give, but in my experience, even if you, on your own, don't feel capable of holding yourself up, you can be much stronger if you have friends who depend on you, and who you can depend on. It's hard to lose somebody who functioned as the anchor of the group, but you can do this without her, it will just need some adjusting.

Thanks, Mala. I'll definitely point her that direction; she goes to a phychologist (sp?) but she has no respect for her, so it's kinda pointless. I'll keep all of that in mind though.


Pixie, I have no personall experience whatsoever with your issues, so all I can say is I hope everythign works out! I'm sure you'll find something.

that stinks!! it sounds like something that could be really fun, too. Too bad you can't just lie about your age.

Aww, that's awful, Were. *hugs*