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 Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 6:39 am
Do you have a good joke? Post it here!
Just remember:
Keep them Pg-13!
Be literate.
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Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 1:20 pm
It's a bit long. -.-'
An alien crash-lands on Earth on a farm. From the state of shock that the alien was in, it forgot how to speak. The alien gets out of its ship and walks around the farm, and hears a farmer say ''With huge knives!'' and it learns how to say that. It goes on a cruise and hears a kid say, ''Aaaw...but I wanna' stay longer!'' and it learns to say that too. The alien walks into a popcorn stand in a theater and hears a man say, "Yeees!" and learns to say yes. He walks into the room and hears someone say, "Becasue he stole my popcorn!!!" And learns that.
At the scene of a crime, the alien walks into a police in front of a dead man. "Did you kill him?" he asked? "Did you kill him?" said the alien. "No. Did you?" "Yeeees!" "Why did you kill him?" "Because he stole my popcorn!!!" "What did you kill him with?" "With huge knives!"
After 25 years in prison, the alien is allowed out of jail. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Asked the same police. Then, the alien said, ''Aaaw...but I wanna' stay longer!''
Fin
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Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 7:32 pm
Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 7:34 pm
Mc Donalds Job Application This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:33 am
I got the following in a chain email a while ago. It's absolutely hysterical. I think I like the last part best. Poor guy twisted Hormone Hostage The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Here have some chocolate.
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:44 pm
Once lived three construction workers and their wives. Every day on their break, they'd complain about their lunches their wives made them. The first one opens his lunch box and sees a burger. "If my wife packs me another burger for lunch," He says, "I'm gonna jump off this building." The next worker opens his box to find a ham and cheese sandwhich. "If my wife packs me another ham and cheese sandwhich, I'm gonna jump off this building." The third worker opens his lunch and sees a turkey sandwhich. "If my wife packs me another turkey sandwhich, I'm gonna jump off this building."
The next day on their breaks, the construction workers open their lunch boxes. The first worker sees a burger, then jumps off the building. The next worker saw a ham and cheese sandwhich. He jumped off. The third worker saw a turkey sandwhich. He jumped off.
At the bottom of the building, two of the three wives are crying, saying "I wish I didn't pack him his most unfavorite sandwhich!" "Me too!" But the third wife is staring at his dead husband, saying, " neutral I don't know why my husband jumped off. He made his lunch."
Fin
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Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 5:34 pm
White-Line Fever
The following are real answers recieved on exams given by the Califorina Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a bind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of ay when four cars approach a four way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through the fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I will be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psyechedelics.
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Posted: Tue Aug 01, 2006 3:11 pm
Last month, a worldwide opinion survey was conducted by the United
Nations.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure ...
In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 8:24 pm
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 7:58 pm
Buying a bra.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure
out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Oh yes, they forgot the German bra.
Stopemfromfloppen
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Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 4:56 pm
angelmae3995 Mc Donalds Job Application This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. *Shakes head* Oh honesty is a wonderful thing.
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Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 10:16 am
lord smokenmeatsandfishes Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken? That one actually makes sense. What if it wasn't them weren't there, it was someone pretending to be them! o_O
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:21 pm
Those are hilarious.
Here another one.
An austronaut went out into space, unfourtunately things went wrong and he had to crash land. He ended up crash landing in a preschool. He staggered out of the space ship shouting, "I am free, I am free"
A preschooler looked at him and said "So what I am four."
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