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Tanis Larnet

PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:18 am


<>

The first thing Tanis knew was a shrill siren. The second was the concussions of multiple explosions. Tanis opened his eyes and found him self lieing in an ally way of a city. The skyline was strangly familior. Suddenly one of the buildgins he had been lookin at erupted in a ball of fire and a object flew over his head. Looking up he saw a fighter fly past. The Fighter bore a symbol that struck fear into Tanis' heart. This was World war III and that was an ECON fighter...... He could not stay hidden and live....not in this battle. A hundred yards away he saw a railgun emplacement who's crew had been vaperized by a APB, or Anit Personel Bomb. These devices were dezined to vaperize any personel with in 50 feet of the device but leave any weapons or equipment unhearmed.

He ran to the gun and saw that it still had ten full magazines. Takeing the seat he brought the weapon to bair on the nearist fighter. Squeezing off a burst he clipped off the wing of one and sent it falling into its partner. All arround the city other implacements spued fire into the air bringing down dozens of fighters. Missles roared out from hidden bunkers and added their say to the confusion. Scattared through out the city buildings burned from both weapons fire and downed air craft.

A lone fighter moved on towards Tanis and started raining fire down on him. Thumbing the selector switch on his gun Tanis triggered a single shot that laced the command area of the fighter, killing the pilot. With out any sort of gidance the fighter fell on must have been a fuel depot. The resulting fireball burned even from over a mile away. With a grim determination Tanis kept fireing shots at the attacking fighters.

<>

Suddenly a lound wumping sound could be heard, far above him a massive plane appeard. It was almost as big as the Antonov of old. The only difference was that this one bristled with all kinds of weapons. All of the city defenders knew that it had to be brought down. The guns opened fire on it but where eliminated one by one by the plane's weapons. There were still a small number of fighters left on the defenders' side. They attempted to bring down the gun ship but all were brough down before they had a change to get a lock on it. Ground based missles were of no use... a curtin of fire from the craft kept missles at bay.

With out thinking Tanis brought his gun to bair on the plan but did not fire. Finaly it soared over his posistion and Tanis fired one shot before jumping away from the gun. As he had prodicted the turent erupted in a ball of fire but not before there was a massive explosion from above. His one shot had managed to peirce the fuel tank of the plane, blowing the wing clean off. The plane veired off to the left and droped like a stone into a building. Slowly Tanis pulled himself of the pavement and grinned. There were no more planes in the air. Suddenly he colapes, exhausted.

<>

Tanis awoke in a bed that was not his own. A woman stood over him, mopping up the dried blood from a gash on his forehead.

"Where am I?" Tanis asked with a groan.

"Hush...you took a blow to the head in the last wave." She said. Tanis could not see her features sence his eyes were unfocused. Before he could get his eyes to focus he passed out again.

------

Tanis came to an hour later alone. He looked around and found he was in a tent. Apparently he had made some noice becase the flap oppened and a woman steped in. She was about his hight and slender. Her face was plain yet her eyes where large and expressive and a dark brown with a slight tint of green. Her sholder lengh red hair was ruffled like she had been with out sleep for a good while.

"Good, your awake. The Admiral wanted to give this to you personaly but he was killed just a few minutes ago when his plane was shot down." She said as she handed him a small box.

Tanis opened it and saw that it held a commander's rank pips.

"Your free to leave at any time." she said with a grin as Tanis proped himself up. Suddenly a whine filled the air getting destinctively louder. Tanis knew what it was...a bomb...heading right for them. With out even thinking Tanis sweped the woman into his arms and dove out of the tent. Tanis covered her body with his and closed his eyes....waiting for the impact and the fire.

<>

Tanis squinted his eyes open to find him self laying on the deck. Slowly he pulled him self to his feet not noticeing that the woman was still with him. He was still wearing his WWIII uniform with Commander's pips. There was a long gash on his right cheek and a head rap holding back his hair. The wrap was also stained with blood.

"Larnet reporting for duty sir." He said while he supported on arm.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 4:54 pm


Sounds like a fanfic from Star Trek, which isn't my fav genre--I prefer non-fanfic--but I'll give you a quick critique.

1. It needs a lot of work on the spelling. For example, him self should be one word, lieing is not a word, and ally is a word but not the one you want there (alley is a place between 2 buildings, ally is a friend or comrad-in-arms). "strangly familior" should be strangely familiar, "Anit Personel" should be Anti-Personnel, "dezined" is designed, etc.

So to go on & on about the spelling, but I kept getting distracted from the story by the trying to figure out what you were actually trying to say. I know grammar and spelling are boring, but it really does have an impact on your readers.

2. Could also use a more active voice, especially in your opening. Try:


* "The first thing Tanis heard was a shrill siren. the quick concussions of multiple explosions was the second."

instead of

* "The first thing Tanis knew was a shrill siren. The second was the concussions of multiple explosions."

ladyjewell
Crew

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Tanis Larnet

PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 6:29 am


there is a reason im a writer and not an editor razz i don't think i even touched the much cursed MS Word when i wrote that....
PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:24 pm


Tanis Larnet
there is a reason im a writer and not an editor razz i don't think i even touched the much cursed MS Word when i wrote that....


*sigh* I dunno which of those two statements is worse...
Response to Statement #1
If your reader can't figure out what you mean, no one will read past the first few lines. Soooooo...

Response to Statement #2
If you want to be a published writer, learn to love 2 things--the spellcheck/grammar check feature in the wordprocessing program of your choice, and the wordprocessing program of your choice.

Most publisher won't even accept typed manuscripts anymore and a lot of them are looking at electronic submissions now. It's a lot less work to edit electronically, not to mention that it saves the publisher a load of time if they can dump your document into whatever program (Quark or InDesign, most likely) they use.

And there are several programs out there. If you don't like Word's "undocumented features" (a quote from their website), try WordPerfect. Trust me, it's even worse. I know. Pre-windows, WordPerfect was AWEsome. Post-Windows, it has sucked like an industrial vacuum. OK, so I haven't tried the absolute latest version. (Maybe they have finally worked out all the bugs... but I don't think it's likely.)

Con't afford that much money? Try EditPad Pro. There's a freeware version, but I don't know if it has the spellcheck function, but the Pro version is only US$ 49.95, is compatible with Windows 98, ME, NT4, 2000, XP and Vista, and is "100% satisfied or money back" guaranteed.

Or surf around 'til you find one you like. But use something. Your readers won't notice that you've done it, but they sure do notice when you don't.

ladyjewell
Crew

6,700 Points
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  • Wall Street 200
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Tanis Larnet

PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 4:57 am


aye. i know. i was just lazy that night....(word killed my comp)
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