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 Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 11:11 pm
Welcome to the club!
Here you can post any funny pictures,jokes, and quotes.
Just try not to make it too bad and pg 13 max.
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Posted: Thu May 05, 2005 3:08 pm
Dear God,
So far today I've done all right
I haven't gossiped
I haven't lost my temper
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
Unpleasant, selfish, or overindulgent.
I am thankful for that.
But in a few minutes,
God I'm going to get out of bed,
And from then on, I'm going to need a lot of help.
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Posted: Fri May 06, 2005 4:03 pm
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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Posted: Fri May 06, 2005 6:26 pm
Here, I've got a few groaners for ya.
1) A man walks into a bar. Says "Ow".
2) A rabbi, a nun, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartended takes one look at them, and says "What is this, a joke?"
3) A peanut walks into a bar. The bartender turns him away, saying "Sorry, buddy. We don't serve food here."
4)On the way home, the peanut was robbed. Turns out he was "a-salt-ed" as well. (BA-DUM PISSSSHH!!!)
5) When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. (Cue the crickets)
6) Three nuns are hit by a meteor, and end up at the pearly gates at the same time. Saint Peter greets them, and informs them that since heaven is so packed, they have to answer a skill-testing question to get in.
"Who was the first man on earth?" Saint Peter asked the first nun.
"Adam," she quickly replied.
Bells ring, streamers fly, and the pearly gates open.
"Who was the first woman on earth?" he asked the second nun.
"Eve," she quickly replied.
Bells ring, streamers fly, the pearly gates open.
Saint Peter turns to the third nun, and asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when the first met?"
"Oooh, that's a hard one," she said, still thinking it over.
Bells ring, streamers fly, and the pearly gates open.
(Don't worry if it takes a few minutes to get the joke.)
Thank you, I'm here until Friday.
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Posted: Fri May 06, 2005 7:50 pm
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Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 10:43 am
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Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 1:25 pm
LOLO!!! damn i wish i could be this funny lol i couldnt stop laughing i liked them all! lol, please keep them coming!
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Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 11:04 am
lol god you guys are a laugh riot! I wish I could be on more to see it all
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Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 3:09 pm
stuff that annoys me (sorry in advance for any hurt feelings or offiencive languige)
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know a*****e, you frigging pulled me over.
When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here a*****e!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
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Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 3:20 pm
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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Posted: Mon May 09, 2005 8:32 pm
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 7:33 am
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Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:32 pm
....... ....... ........ .....
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 10:31 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 5:51 pm
*snicker* oh I needed a good laugh thanks
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