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Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 10:02 pm
"Gerald S. Nord, for the mass murder of two hundred and thirty people, I sentence you to 60 years in St. Michael's Institute For The Criminally Insane..." Those were the words that should have broken me, but as I stood there in that cheep suit, with my ponytail resting on my shoulder, I felt just as happy. I never "murdered" any one. I "freed" them. I could feel the tension in my audience as the small droplets of sweat rolled off their cheeks and smacked the ground. As there classy shoes nervously tapped up and down. The judge's dirty grin quickly faded when I gazed into those small beady eyes of his. I could smell his fear as it rolled down his cheeks in small droplets of sweat. As the guards came and grasped either of my elbows, I swung my arms and whipped them to the ground. When My foot stomped on there neck, I could hear the crack echo in the court room. I had just enough time to gaze at the judge and make a small smile before I was beaten by 7 rather big men. As I was being shipped into the ambulance, secured in my restraints, I could hear the reporters. "Gerald Nord, otherwise knows as the beast for the brutal killing of over two hundred people was sentenced to life in St. Michael's today, shortly before he brutally attacked and murdered two police men." I felt so renown
The aches I suffered were very little, but I was very tired. My vision was slightly Impaired by the blood that trickled down my face. My wounds were very bad, and I needed the medical attention I was receiving by the two men in the back with me. The light dangling from above almost blinded me as it swung from side to side with the bumps of the road. I looked to my side and could see the fancy machinery. The beeping and clicking of it all started to ease me. I could see the tube exiting my arm, and I let out a little giggle. The two doctors just gazed at me and smiled. I was slightly confused by this. For about two and a half minuets we just locked eyes. "Is there something I can help you two with?" I inquired politely. The taller man nodded his head and said, "Mr. beast, we are big fans." The other nodded in agreement and whispered, " We can help you escape." I gestured with my head for the big fella to come closer. Once he got close enough, I broke the restraints on my left arm, and grabbed him by the neck. My fingers pressed so hard on his skin, blood trickled. "You like this? Is this what you are a fan of?" I said calmly. I dislike people who say then idolize killers. When he fell to the ground, I turned to the other and said, "If I wanted to, I could leave. Never think this isn't my choice." Seeing the pale, sweaty look on his face made me smile as I lied back down. i was very tired, so I drifted to sleep as I listened to the tall doctor gasp and bleed to death in his own blood. I was asleep before his feet stopped kicking.
Once we arrived at the hospital, the discovery of my freeing someone else sent everyone up in a uproar. I had to spend a month in a small clinic and recover before the day came that i had to go to my cell. As they carried Me to my new room, they were discussing what punishments would be suited for me. I couldn't wait for my new home. A nice padded room... Like a room made of pillows. I would have to redecorate a bit. Maybe "free" someone else that is coming in to transport me, so I would have the sweet smell radiate from the walls. As the metal door slid open and the unstrained me from my stroller, they threw me into a cold, damp, dirty room. This was my punishment. But I didn't mind. It reminded me of my childhood home. I saw a Big brown rat scuttle along the floor. I picked him up and stared into his eyes. "Hello, would you like to be my friend? I'm Gerald. You can be... Corpse." I sat him on my shoulder. As the days went on, me and Course grew very attached. I would feed him bits of my food, and maggots. The screams of insanity from near by cells, ran like Mozart through both of our ears. Corpse made a great friend. I knew that we were spiritually binded. I loved him very much...
One day, as I sat against the concrete wall petting my rat, The door slid open. A tall guard stepped in holding a bat. Shortly after, three others came in. "Hello," He said. " My name is Gregory. I may seem a little bit familiars to you. You killed my brother that day in court." I looked up at him and smiled. "Ah yes, he was very weak, and I'm sure he was great full that I freed him." Gregory swung the bat and hit me in the face. Corpse flew from my lap. The guards began to beat me, but I didn't care. I saw that Corpse was frightened, so I crawled over to him, to comfort him as I was being beaten. As I reached out for him, Gregory stepped on my hand and picked up Corpse. "Hello there little bluer," he said. He turned to me and asked, "is this your friend?" Then he through Corpse with full strength against the wall. My anger was so emence, it somehow powered me to stand up. I met eyes with Greg. He smiled and swung his bat at my face. When it hit my neck, I didn't budge. Oh it hurt, but I couldn't give up. I had to advenge Corpse. I just stared at him. He swung again, and I grabbed the bat from him and swung at the other guards. As their blood splattered against the wall, I dropped the bat and turned to Greg. He was scared stiff. I grabbed him by the ribs and pushed him against the wall. I took big sniffs of his blood before I "freed" him and continued to beat his body into the ground, feeling the mushy substance that used to be his flesh oozed between my fingers. When the doctors and guards came to restrain me I was calm again. And... In allot of pain. I collapsed to the ground.
Another few months went by with me in the clinic. Now everyone feared me. Sometimes when I was alone, I thought I could hear something about the size of a man scuttle behind the wall... Somehow, this soothed me. The courts decided that I acted on self defence, but the doctors decided it would be best to lobotomize me. Maybe it would be nice. I would always be happy. When the day came, I decided not to eat. I wouldn't need to. They brought me into the room of surgery. They were about to give me the medication to calm me, when I heard screams outside of the door in the hallway. The doctors looked up at the door, and then ran out of the room. I could hear Gunfire, screams and something... roar. I sat up, stretched a bit, and left the room. The hallway walls were drenched in blood and other fleshy goodies. I just put my hands in my pockets and took a nice stroll. I saw four police men run by, and I decided to have fun. I could "free" them. I ran up behind them, and pounced on one of them. I sank my fingers into his jaw and ripped of the skin of his face. then before the others had a chance to react, I punched the nearest cop in the knee and as he hit the ground, I punched him in the chest. Oh how his ribs cracked... The others drew there guns and pointed at me. One fired and it hit me in my arm. I grabbed his gun, shot the other, then smashed it into it's owner's face. When I stood up, I realized that I was completely surrounded by police and guards. With my new wound, I wouldn't have been able to take them. I didn't need to "free" any more. I was ok with being "freed". Then something roared and ran from the shadows. Despite the multiple gun wounds, this creature was able to rip through every one of these men who were of great danger to me. Then when it stopped, I realized how much this giant creature resembled a rat. Not just any rat, Corpse... I guess that when two are truly binded, nothing can keep them apart. Not even death. There's nothing like a man and his rat. He and I were together again.
The End
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Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 10:07 am
First off, it was a better attempt than your last one... So I guess I'll be here to give you some Constructive Crit. First off, try using a thesaurus, it gets annoying once I've read the word free a million times, you seemed to do this with a few of your words, like Locked and Smile. There was a few spelling and grammar errors and all, but nothing too noticable, everyone makes typos though.
Ok for the story parts. Me I'm kind of an realisitc person when it comes to writing, but I see you went the "Jason" route. It seemed like your character was invincable. That's fine in some cases, but the people he faced against just seemed to always stay still for instance, The final cop scene, the cops just stood there and took it, they didn't even attempt to shoot you or at least hit you.
Hmm, this part is a spoiler(For those reading this before the story or whatever...) But I have to say this What was up with the rat? How did he go from smacked into a wall dead, to giant beast?! There was no explanation and it came off well... Stupid. I'm sure alot will agree with this, even yourself in the little bit. Well, I hoped this help up your standards a bit. Heh, I don't even want to touch how bad I thought the other one was. rofl
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Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 3:59 pm
Everything Zen First off, it was a better attempt than your last one... So I guess I'll be here to give you some Constructive Crit. First off, try using a thesaurus, it gets annoying once I've read the word free a million times, you seemed to do this with a few of your words, like Locked and Smile. There was a few spelling and grammar errors and all, but nothing too noticable, everyone makes typos though. Ok for the story parts. Me I'm kind of an realisitc person when it comes to writing, but I see you went the "Jason" route. It seemed like your character was invincable. That's fine in some cases, but the people he faced against just seemed to always stay still for instance, The final cop scene, the cops just stood there and took it, they didn't even attempt to shoot you or at least hit you. Hmm, this part is a spoiler(For those reading this before the story or whatever...) But I have to say this What was up with the rat? How did he go from smacked into a wall dead, to giant beast?! There was no explanation and it came off well... Stupid. I'm sure alot will agree with this, even yourself in the little bit. Well, I hoped this help up your standards a bit. Heh, I don't even want to touch how bad I thought the other one was. rofl Lol, my friend. I do thank you for trying to be helpful, so now I will answer your questions. First of all, the word "free". Many people of psychopathic behavior use another word for their actions then killing. Also very often they only use one word. I decided that this killer would believe that he is setting the spirit of his enemy free, hence: Free. As for the "Jason rout" as I believe you called it. There was nothing Invincible about him. The times in which he was attacked, there was nothing fatal, except maybe the one in the beginning where he was put in an ambulance. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough, but in the other scene with the guards beating him, his anger drove him to victory. Now for the rat. Many times throughout the history of story telling and film making, there have been stories of creatures coming back from the dead in a new form or state of being. This was amply an example of a man and pet who were so strongly attached, nothing could keep them apart. Not even death. Oh, and it seemed as though you are slightly annoyed with my storytelling. I mean, "It was a better attempt than your last one... So I guess I'll be here to give you some Constructive Crit." It seems as though you are only doing what you did because it is your duty. But I do appreciate the errors that you did point out, and I will fix them ASAP. But thankyou.
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Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 5:00 pm
Heh, I wasn't slightly annoyed. I may seem a little harsh, but if someone doesn't go harsh, you'll only be given people who tell you white lies. And I knew the Free part... but it really got repetitive. At some parts I felt it was needed but you could have substituted it with killed or murdered at times.
I realize what you meant about the victory leading to anger, but still the cops were motionless and only seemed like mindless puppets waiting to take a beating. Like I said before, I'm more of a realistic, things like that annoyed me. As for the rat part you might want to include that explaination, you're readers are left in the dark without a clue of how it came about. In your short story, this rat was only given a limited amount of time, so when he was killed I really didn't care for him as a character. Perhaps if you delved a little deeper this love that you proclaim, could be seen.
Any more questions or comments? I can anwser them if you like.
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Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 10:33 pm
Everything Zen Heh, I wasn't slightly annoyed. I may seem a little harsh, but if someone doesn't go harsh, you'll only be given people who tell you white lies. And I knew the Free part... but it really got repetitive. At some parts I felt it was needed but you could have substituted it with killed or murdered at times. I realize what you meant about the victory leading to anger, but still the cops were motionless and only seemed like mindless puppets waiting to take a beating. Like I said before, I'm more of a realistic, things like that annoyed me. As for the rat part you might want to include that explaination, you're readers are left in the dark without a clue of how it came about. In your short story, this rat was only given a limited amount of time, so when he was killed I really didn't care for him as a character. Perhaps if you delved a little deeper this love that you proclaim, could be seen. Any more questions or comments? I can anwser them if you like. If you read for the cop part, in the last scene, after he kills the second cop, he gets shot in the arm. In the scene in his cell, He gets attacked and acts on defence, and I did explain about the rat at the end. read again, lol. Last sentence.
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Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 4:57 am
Hmm, well it's good you added on to your story giving it a little bit of life. Glad I could help. cool
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Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 3:02 pm
Everything Zen Hmm, well it's good you added on to your story giving it a little bit of life. Glad I could help. cool yupp, lol you'd get credited as the editor. Lol, thanks
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Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 5:09 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:30 pm
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Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 4:42 pm
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Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 9:33 pm
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Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 8:56 am
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