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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 11:55 am
I have a sick taste for irony. When someone achieves something great, yet due to something he had done before, all is taken from him. Irony is a wonderful thing that only a few authors have mastered. I am not one of those authors. This is one of my first attempts at writing irony. The concept works, but there are some problems with development. But I could be wrong. So here is your chance to tear me limb from limb. C'mon. You know you want to. I can see you drooling already.
A Hero, Too Late He looked his teacher over from a distance. The teacher was also the football coach and liked to play favorites with his students, handing out higher grades to his players and other students of high social standing while forcing the rest of his class to struggle for whatever grade he decided to give them. Josh had tried discussing this with him, but he refused to speak to him about it.
Everybody was like that. He was an outcast because he refused to do things the way other people wanted him to. He was sick of the poor treatment he was receiving, and he had decided to do something about it. Everyone destroyed what character he had and made a devil of him.
Class wasn't to start for another minute or two, so he was one of the few students in the classroom; everyone else was lingering in the halls. His friends were waiting outside as well, ready for his cue to do their part. They weren't exactly interested in making a statement as much as they were in experiencing the thrill; that thought disturbed Josh, but he decided it didn't matter.
Josh studied the room to see who all was present to witness the event; not very many people, really. But who they were really didn't matter to him: until he noticed Katrina sitting nearby.
She was only an acquaintance, a girl he had spoken to once before, but nothing more. She was a pretty girl, but rather an odd ball. She had once tried to fit in, but it was obvious she couldn't; no matter how hard she tried, she just always stood out. Because of her good looks and willingness to fit in, she had often been used by other kids in the school. Many guys had pursued her, and then when they got what they wanted, ditched her. She herself had finally given up and awaited the day the hell of high school would be over.
It then occurred to Josh that she had been pregnant. She hooked up some with some guy and they wasted away together. They had been dating for a long time, and finally she became pregnant. She had wanted an abortion, but her boy friend refused to let her do it. Seeing that her stomache was now flat, Josh assumed she had gone ahead with the abortion.
Looking at the clock, he decided was about time to do the task he had taken upon himself. He would shoot the teacher, and then upon hearing the gunshot, his friends would soon after begin to unload in the hallway. His gun was in his backpack, and he set it down to dig it out when he heard the sound of a very angry guy entering the room.
He looked at her flat stomache in horror. “My son...What did you do to my son?” he demanded of Katrina. Terror filled her eyes as she tried to answer his question, but was cut off. “You killed my son!”
She tried to fight back her tears as she defended herself. "I had to. Neither of us can support a child!"
"We could have tried! It was our responsibility to take care of him!"
"You know we couldn't..."
"But I wanted to! You didn't have to worry about him; I would have taken care of everything!"
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't do that to you..."
His voiced was filled with rage. He probably could have been heard out in the hall. "Don't you understand that I wanted to? I wanted to raise that child!"
She tried to choke back her tears. "I'm sorry, I had no choice..."
He didn't seem to hear her. He began to pace back and forth, eyes wide. He never looked at anything but seemed to avoid bumping into any obstacles. He continuously muttered "my son..."
He then turned to her and drew a gun from his pocket. “All I wanted was a child...Someone to call my own...And you took him from me!” He pointed the gun at her: not exactly at a particular part of her body, but just at her. He seemed as scared about killing her as she did him killing her.
There was a gunshot, and she screamed. The bullet did not strike her, though. Josh had knocked his hand down. Gripping the kid's wrists, Josh took control of the gun. He then struck the kid with his elbow and came around with the butt of the pistol to knock him unconscious. The impact from the hit fired another shot from the gun, but it struck harmlessly against a desk.
Josh watched the body for a moment to make sure it wasn't getting back up. Satisfied that the guy was incapable of fighting anymore, he allowed himself a deep breathe. He turned to face Katrina, who just stared in horror at the figure on the floor. She breathed very lightly, almost as if she weren't at all.
The reality of the situation set into him. He had just saved a girl's life when he originally intended to be taking lives. An interesting twist of fate. The feeling of having saved a life...It felt really good. He smiled as he thought about it. He was no longer a devil. He was a hero now.
Josh placed his hand on her shoulder and asked if she was all right.
Then there was another gunshot. She screamed and latched herself onto him, sobbing uncontrollably, never taking her eyes off the unconscious body. Then another shot. She began to scream into Josh's ear. "Please, don't let him kill me! Please...!"
In horror, he fell to the ground with her, and held her close. However, Josh knew where the shots were coming from. His friends outside had heard the gun shots from her boyfriend's gun and mistook them for his own.
For a brief moment, he listened to the carnage outside. He heard the cries of the other students and the repeated sounds of gunfire. Katrina continued to cling to him, as if he could somehow make it all go away.
Josh began to cry uncontrollably. In one moment, he had made himself a hero, but it was too late, for he had already been a devil.
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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 12:11 pm
Hey Man, I like it. It could use some more tweeks. Like i was kind of thinking that the guy was pretty phscyo for a teacher not talking to him for killing the guy. Maybe he should have an alternative motive? Details could also be added about how he knew the girl a little bit. So like i said just a few little tweeks, but all in all i like it for a beginner (I can't write irony either....guess its kinda a gift to be able to) -M
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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 12:22 pm
eek WOW, totally awesome. Just when I thought it was going to be a typical american school shooting you got me at the end with the twist. I like it. blaugh
I've never really understood how you write irony but now I can see. Yeah like the lady said above a little bit more detail and it's a cool short story!!!!
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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 1:38 pm
TinkPlaysGuitar Hey Man, I like it. It could use some more tweeks. Like i was kind of thinking that the guy was pretty phscyo for a teacher not talking to him for killing the guy. Maybe he should have an alternative motive? Details could also be added about how he knew the girl a little bit. So like i said just a few little tweeks, but all in all i like it for a beginner (I can't write irony either....guess its kinda a gift to be able to) -M Yeah, I understand thats half the problem, the lack of details. Details were never my strong point. I tend to think of concepts more than details, so you get a skeleton with no meat in the end. Perhaps a well structured skeleton, but who wants to bite into that? sweatdrop Thanks for the compliments, you two. It's much appreciated domokun
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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 2:38 pm
Yeah.. it is a little lack of details. But overall its pretty good 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 8:33 am
Very good, very good indeed! i loved it! it is an untypical american story... And that`s rare... Good work... You are really good at irony... I myself am better at sarcasm than at irony... But i can smell the real irony... and your story, man, it stinks! wink xd blaugh xp
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 9:36 am
lacking in detail but a good idea yeah biggrin
IRONY!!!!!!!
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 6:58 pm
Yeah, there were certain parts that could have used a little sprucing up, but I thought it did pretty well even without the details. - Like.. The teacher was only one thing that had gotten to him. It made a point that he was an outcast and that one Gym teacher wasn't the single problem. Wish I could explain that better, but I got this concept.. Whether it was implied or not, lol.
I love this, though.. It's hard to write irony, and I look up to you for this. It got me at the end, and that is important.
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Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 1:07 pm
Yeah, well, I think I was more focused on the actual concept than the hows and whys behind it. I tend to be like that. sweatdrop But if it did strike something with the readers, then I accomplished what I wanted domokun
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Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 6:12 pm
Quote: So here is your chance to tear me limb from limb. C'mon. You know you want to. I can see you drooling already. *drools* You've got me there xd First of all, I'm not so sure about the title. Is he a hero too late? If he'd been a hero earlier would it have made him a better person? It might have stopped the killing, but that's (not meaning to be cold about it) incidental. It's coincidence. Luck. He's still the devil. I wouldn't call him a hero in the title, specially not after reading the last line, when he realises he's not one himself. I did however like the irony, that in the end, the killing spree was initiated only because he sought to save someone. Parts of it don't flow too well. It's almost like you have the tangent concepts of unfair teacher, abortion girl, and killing spree stuck ontop of each other, only related because they relate to the central character. Is he unhappy only because of the teacher? The boyfriend's dialogue didn't sound very convincing. Maybe some swearing. [/complaints] I'm feeling harsh at the moment. The concepts good, especially, as I've noted, the irony at the end. Nevertheless there's quite a bit you could work on there. However as an experimental peice, which is the impression I'm getting it to be, it's great. (Assuming what you were experimenting with was irony, then that's all that really needs to be judged in the story). biggrin
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Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 10:38 am
This was definitely an experimental piece for myself. The title....no idea. Actually, I edited the ending before posting it, so the ending had been different, and the title tied into the original conclusion a little better. I just didn't bother changing the title because I suck at titles anyways xp
As I explained to the others, I'm definitely better at coming up with concepts than I am putting them on paper, especially in an actually story format. An essay format is more my style, but essays don't always cut it.
Also, my own thinking is rather...out of the norm, so trying to get into the heads of my characters is rather hard because I tend to think different than a lot of people sweatdrop
And harsh criticism is always welcome. I'd rather have some honest and helpful criticism than empty praise.
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Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 6:43 pm
This topic is probably long forgotten, but I feel like I need to say something about it. This was a very good piece. The irony was great, but the motive of having a school shooting needs to be because of more than one teacher. Maybe you could give a bit more details in that area. REsponding to a previous comment, just because someone is in a furious shock (the boyfriend) doesn't mean that they'll curse. It really depends on who the person was. He obviously was much more crushed and sad than angry, even though he was angry, too. The constant muttering of "my son, my son," tells the reader how much love he had for the child. I just wanted to point out that you can be angry, sad, furious, hurt, etc, without cursing, and dialogues can be believable without it, even though sometimes they aren't.
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Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 9:33 am
I liked it. xD It had a nice twist, like some other people said; more detail. I have the opposite problem. I OVERdetail. T__T
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Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 5:57 pm
wow that is a twist. I like the last line the best. It is so suiting to this story ^^
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 9:18 pm
MaDMiDgEt TinkPlaysGuitar Hey Man, I like it. It could use some more tweeks. Like i was kind of thinking that the guy was pretty phscyo for a teacher not talking to him for killing the guy. Maybe he should have an alternative motive? Details could also be added about how he knew the girl a little bit. So like i said just a few little tweeks, but all in all i like it for a beginner (I can't write irony either....guess its kinda a gift to be able to) -M Yeah, I understand thats half the problem, the lack of details. Details were never my strong point. I tend to think of concepts more than details, so you get a skeleton with no meat in the end. Perhaps a well structured skeleton, but who wants to bite into that? sweatdrop Thanks for the compliments, you two. It's much appreciated domokun I'm sure you can brainstorm some stuff. I thought it was awesome for anyone, much less a first attempt, and I'm someone who lives for irony.
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