The Truth
"In this world of disposable icons and plastic idols, let us present the solution to all your problems. Ladies and Gentlemen, we bring you THE NETWORK! I know how hard it is for you journalists these days, the bands you are forced to write about are bland and taste like a vegan birthday cake. The Network is here to save you from all of this miserable mediocrity. The Network are a living, breathing sound-bite and with their charming personalities and their incredible fashion sense you would swear you were covering Ricky Schroder in his Silver Spoons heyday! The Network is the future and if it so happens that the future is the 1980’s so be it. The Network asks you, have we really progressed since then? And the answer is NO! The Network believes that our world is filled with records that should come with expiration dates on them. The Network is timeless! You will be reminded of this fact when they play “Hammer of the Gods” at your funeral and “Money Money 2020” at your kids bar mitzvah. Everything you heard about the Network is true (except for the sex scandal that bassist Van Gough had with a sheep in Florida, it was actually Estelle Getty from The Golden Girls), they are musical revolutionaries not unlike George Washington but with a keytar! It is time for a music revolution and The Network is going to start it.
But let us talk about the new album Money Money 2020! It's revamped and remastered and features two new hit singles, the already mentioned "Hammer of the Gods" and "Teenagers from Mars!" This classic album will be glued to the nation's CD players because there is actually glue on the CD! So now if you were forced to put on a Simple Plan record you now have the ultimate excuse. Another incredible marketing idea from the boys in The Network!
Now I know a lot of you have been excusing the band as some sort of sellouts for leaving their independent label to go to a major. Our response is this: Get out of the 90’s people! Put away the flannel and the grunge and join us in the future! The 1980’s! The Me Generation. We want more money and we want to reach the unfortunates in Moscow, Idaho who have not yet been blessed with the sounds of The Network.
The Network also wants you to know that they completely support our Commander and Chief President, Ronald Reagan and completely endorse his new Star Wars plan. Is there really any other way to protect our country from Russia and Oakland, California? So we may be a little biased because the band, The Network created this amazing defense plan. Instead of complaining about the country they try to help it! So listen up you whiny, pinko bands (that includes you - LIVE AID!), either love this country or leave it or at least try to come up with a satellite defense system that will cost the country 500 million dollars like we did! I mean, do you see the band Power Station doing that?
The Network lives together in their warehouse compound in Oakland, California. Here at The Network headquarters, the band is inventing new ways to rock. The Network, not unlike your founding fathers, had to leave their respected countries (Berlin, Spain and Fresno, California) because the religious Reich kicked them out due to their strong religious beliefs with the Church of Lushotology.
Yes, you will be hearing a lot from the band The Network in the future because they are in fact the future. So get off your asses and start writing about them in your rags. The Network will always be available for interviews and photo ops. We did our job, now it is time to do yours. Doesn’t the world deserve us? Isn’t it your obligation to fight for better music?"
-Dr. Svengali ~ The Official Network Website
