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 Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 1:48 pm
Um it needs work, but i would like to know where to go from here.
A Broken Heart Healing-
Flying high, yet not real far
Because i never get to what i want
The guy i've loved, so far away
Becuase of everything we've done, there's nothing left to say.
Soaring with life, yet cowering in fear
Becuase i've done so much i'm scared
He's done it to me, emotionally clear
Because i've put up with his s**t, i've sharpened his spear.
Laughing and smileign, but recovereing lots
Becuase a lot of him has hurt me
His words, they're controlling, i'm attacked with mental parts
Now i wish someone, could come and fix up my heart.
Looking at the mirror, shattering within
Becuase i'm not as pretty as i was before
I've gotten things for good, some things for worse
Ad now all i'm left with, is his dying curse.
My heart has stopped beating, now its stone cold
Becuas it's all been done and i am too
Starting to work, on me moving on,
But becuase of you, it will take twice as long.
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Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 3:02 pm
Hmm, not too sure about this one (you need to fix some spelling and change the "i's" to "I's")
It sounds okay but because you're trying to rhyme you're throwing words in there that have no connection. And you're only rhyming the last words of lines 3-4. For me it's off putting because I lose a rhythm. You might what to give it one.
The second line does not make any sense or it needs revising. I don't know it sounds ill-placed!!! xp
To me the theme is love and something to do with heights and flying.
I think what this needs is to be longer. If you can group together and event that it all happened in fixed some of the words and the number of words you used it can word.
I like it! heart
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