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wicked_faery

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Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:23 pm

A place to put pagan jokes ^_^

Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:26 pm

10 Ways to Piss off a Witch

1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.

2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.

3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)

4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.

5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.

6.Witness to them about the "true religion".

7.Untie the knots in their cord.

8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.

9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.

10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.

wicked_faery

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wicked_faery

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Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:28 pm

How to tell if you're a Militant Pagan:

1. When you use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.

2. When your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.

3. When your robe is made of camouflage material.

4. When your cakes & wine come from MRE's.

5. When your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques.

6. When your circle is marked by barb-wire.

7. When you have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.

8. When you use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol.

9. When you take down a tent to move the Covenstead.

10. When your familiar is either a Doberman, Rotweiller or German Shepherd.

11. When you use a hubcap for a scrying dish.

12. When you use teargas to smudge when doing banishings.

13. When your goddess symbol is Tank Girl.

14. When 1st degree training includes Ninjisu or other forms of martial arts.

15. When your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba, or anything that ends with 'ster'.

16. When you use machine gun fire to cast your circle.

17. Instead of using an acorn or pine cone, you use a hand grenade for a God symbol (if there isn't an artillery shell available).

18. When you use a compass for a divination tool.

19. When you use a bullet on a string for a pendulum.

20. When you call your High Priest "Commander", and your High Priestess as "General".

Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:32 pm

Pagan in Hell

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door.

"You can't come in here," Peter said.

The Pagan asked why.

"You're Pagan... sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.

"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell ain't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal.

"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way."

note: What this joke calls Hell, we call the Summerland, and Pagans don't believe in Satan. But this joke is still pretty funny.

wicked_faery

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XULSIGIAE

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Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:23 pm

Great jokes you have...mainly that last one...very lovely ^_^ There's a great pagan comic strip that I have read since my senior year of high school (it began in 2003) and it's lovely...I'd post the site but I can';t remember if I am "allowed" to do that or if I need to do it a certain way

Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:33 pm

allowed? i don't see why u can't...

wicked_faery

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WitchyBoy

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Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 7:59 am

How many pagans does it take to chjange a lightbulb?

that depends on what you want to change it into.

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 1:50 pm

If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
You might be a Redneck Pagan!
I got these from The Celtic Connection

Teh Bloody Princess

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Teh Bloody Princess

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Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 2:11 pm

Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.

Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor

Once agian All from The Celtic Connection.

Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 9:23 pm

what do you say too a pissed off witch?...

ribbit? mrgreen

WitchyBoy

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~Natures Child~

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Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 4:37 am

Letter Home to Pagan Parents from Elementary School Teacher

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the room with her pencil in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her art class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.
And speaking of art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosés! By the way, what does "sky clad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waiving it in front of me. I thought this a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I'm glad she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense, and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto Others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated that it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With deep concerns,
Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 4:43 am

Pagan Terms
-Source Unknown

1st Degree- A person who gets to do all the work.

2nd Degree- A person who gets to complain about the 1st degrees and the High Priestess.

3rd Degree- A person who never shows up at rituals.

Athame- A ritual knife; the bigger the knife, the less power the bearer has.

Book of Shadows- A messy, handwritten book that contains copies of everyone else's rituals.

Ceremonial Magician- Someone with bad hygiene habits, who reads Crowley, takes drugs and practices looking menacing.

Circle- Some assemblage of people standing or sitting in an uneven, or oval shape.

Coven- A bunch of people who fight like family and get together several times a month to party.

Crowley- A weird guy whom lots of people worship because he died a syphilitic drug addict. (Kinda like Curt Cobain and Elvis).

Full Moon- Any Saturday that occurs sometime close to the actual calendar full moon.

High Priest- Whoever the High Priestess is sleeping with this week.

High Priestess- A self-appointed leader; must be bossy, opinionated and have a large ego.

Initiation- Status that you receive after a big party held in your honor.

Magick- Any weird result after you do a spell or ritual for something; may or may not have anything to do with what you were working for.

Maiden- An ambitious 2nd degree (usually a wommon) who aspires to be High Priestess, so she can do things right!

New Moon- A chance for the High Priestess to get really drunk and sleep with (and initiate) a new High Priest.

Pagan- A person who wears tie dye and practices the party religion.

Pagan Standard Time- If a ritual is scheduled for 6pm, people show up around 9, and the ritual finally gets started at 10:30.

Pagan Daylight Time- If a ritual is scheduled for noon, everyone usually shows up before dark.

Ritual- A reason to assemble with others, kvetch and eventually have some sort of ceremony.

Ritual Wear- A flashy dress or outfit that makes the wearer look like an actor in a bad fantasy movie.

Sabbat- Any Saturday close to the actual day, excuse for a big party.

Wiccan- Conservative person who wears normal clothes, lots of jewelry, recycles everything and used to be a witch.

Witch- Someone who wears lots of black and jewelry, reads Gardner and practices the party religion.

~Natures Child~

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WitchyBoy

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Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:35 am

have you ever refered to the lord and lady as "yall"?

have you ever kept the ceremonial wine in a styrofoam cooler?

do you get your ceremonial cakes from little dixies?

Is your athame made by Bowie?

Is your familiar named trigger, rebel, bandit or dirivitives as such?

if you answered yes to any of the above then you may be a red neck pagan! pirate

Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 10:07 am

a christian church, a jewish synagauge and a wiccan temple all inhabit a single town and the preacher of the christian church wants to put an end to all of the squabbling. So he decides to invite the high priestess from the temple and the rabi from the synagauge on a fishing trip. After they had been out fishing for some time the preistess says " oh i forgot the picnic basket back on shore" so she walks accross the water to get the basket and comes back while the preacher crosses himself! After a time the rabi says " oh i forgot my water on shore" so he walks accross the water to get it and comes back and the preacher crosses himself once again. the pracher thinks to himself " im not going to let these pagan heathens show me up!" so he says that he forgot his wallet on shore and steps over board and promptly sinks to the bottom. while the rabi and the preistess are busy fishing him out the rabi turns and says " do you think we should have told him about the rocks?" thge preistess turns and says " what rocks?"

WitchyBoy

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wicked_faery

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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2006 9:34 am

XD that was awsome!

Welcome to Gaia! ::

Gaia Guilds

Wicca - With Love Of The Lord And Lady!

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