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Horoscope for the Month of August, 2007

Leo (July 23-August 22):

After a long shocked silence, the Asian pear that attacked you last week will make amends by shoving a grape up your nose. Show gratitude despite its manifold orifices of jellied purple olives and receive a crystal clam for your patience. Be reverent, but don't glue your eyes shut just yet.

Virgo (August 23-September 22):

The ability to sub-divide kumquats into colloidal ooze is strong now. It's a great time to squeeze more deeply that hot-pink squid that appeals to your uncle's left nose wart. Whether green on the face or weeding your knees, now is the time for you to finish that clot of angry shells.

Libra (September 23-October 22):

You're all full of insouciant bees this month. If you can't have your peppered slugs and eat them, try applying a scrupulous elephant seal to your house chores -- you'll be amazed at how this improves your secondary eyesight in your left toe.

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

On a day like yesterday, angel-shoe kelp will paint your house in feral rats. You're going to have to accept that that incurvate Botswanian moon-cutter just isn't coming back. Expect a fair amount of lardy monkeys in your knife drawer but don't let them eat your Crisco hat.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22):

Holy canolies! Your snails are more important than you realize right now, so grow your best set of toe hangers. Filing down your platypus would be best right but don't overdo that cream-filled chinchilla. If it doesn't make pot pie now, it never will.

Capricorn (December 23-January 22):

Spend some quality time with frozen chewed bubblegum, even if you have to cancel your next coal-snorting lesson. A little red moss spread never hurt anyone, but panicked cheese can leave scars so don't eat it alone with pickled lichens.

Aquarius (January 23-February 22):

Your mind is solidly on your wardrobe of candied hams right now, but you may have to give up that duckweed sock-scrubber. Dog-furred rocks with Master's degrees are uncommon but make a lovely addition to your collectin of freeze-dried ferrets.

Pisces (February 23-March 22):

Take some time off to dsicover what its really like to baste a thankful outhouse. A pretty good toilet brush may seize you today, but don't let that make you go too easy on your soggy toadstools. They need some discipline (or at least a good marinating).

Aries (March 23-April 22):

The next appelated goose might get a bit frustrating for you, since there's so much pig feet in your hair. That's how it should to be for now, until that helping of aggravated cnidarians gets over it anger at sealing your toes together.

Taurus (April 23-May 22):

You and your hungry jackelope could get into a pretty intense bath of leeks today, so be ready for the first sign of mutilated oranges. There's no need to pickle those cherried wombats any further they're willing to go.

Gemini (May 23-June 22):

It's a great day to throw yourself into a vat of eels or some kind of coalescing sponges. Your way with kiwis, already highly refined, is perfect shoveling that statue of dredels, which can improve the spine's ability to imitate a warting owl.

Cancer (June 23-July 22):

Though you may be feeling quantum fluxual and secure in your last chart of squealing snowballs, now is not the time to pare your emotional pebbles into brussel sprouts. Leave them to the howling toothbrush under your sink, but don't forget your chest-hair muffins.

well, I really *did* say they were horrible...

(#21)

lol, yes, discord and all that. :] maybe one week I'll throw in a REAL horoscope just to throw everyone off...thanks for moving the thread, btw

(#22)

Mad Cow disease? I'm a mad cow!!!!^^ rofl

I'm a mad caw disease gonk

We're both mad cows! Lets dance! dramallama

Horoscope for the Week of August 27-September 2 2006

Virgo (August 23-September 22):

Your compulsive nature has you over-thinking things. Candied wax does NOT make good hairbrushes. Peanut butter holds the key to better spinal massages.

Libra (September 23-October 22):

Bananas will bring you cryogenically frozen earlobes, be sure to eat them dipped in hot sauce and share with a punctual fox. No llamas this week, but spanking you mother with eels could be beneficial to your hearing.

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

Leaving school? Go home early and pack a pig snout. An attractive muffin will try to sell you blueberries. Go honey roast your toes and invite her over for dinner.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22):

Avoid unsanitary monkeys who want chips. Don't feed funky toenails to cats as it can cause goiters. Yellow apples will find your car keys this week, repay them by stuffing your socks with dryer lint.

Capricorn (December 23-January 22):

A rabid teapot named Chloe will clean the webbing between your feet. The red fuzzy monster from Looney Tunes will get jealous so give him a mushroom-flavored lollipop.

Aquarius (January 23-February 22):

Cantelopes make good hats but don't keep them in your pants. A bucket of squirrels on Tuesday goes a long way towards canning a sprained Uncle.

Pisces (February 23-March 22):

If you have not been offered a wonderful stroke of chunky moose you should recieve one soon. Be sure to take it as raining inky mules will soon claim your lottery ticket. Paint your front porch lime green to avoid this.

Aries (March 23-April 22):

Cheesy beans are short this week but additional ruckus may produce more kiwis. You cannot hope to tame melons without a good stick as they are lumpy and aggressive. Keep a rope handy and be sure to avoid bruising the fruit.

Taurus (April 23-May 22):

Sharing a room with an angry walrus will restore teeth color. Long hair may weave loosely so watch out for falling pianos. You won't be able to see your knees this week but they'll recover soon.

Gemini (May 23-June 22):

Violent behavior in church causes umbilical warts. Don't throw bottles at your grandmother without a permit--there were days when you could do this but they are no more. Standing in liquid Cheeze Whiz will improve your eyesight.

Cancer (June 23-July 22):

Something really slippery is headed your way! It will be a new opportunity such as a sudden bath in pickles or you could meet an attractive jabberwocky. New relationships with carrots will strengthen your self-esteem.

Leo (July 23-August 22):

Robert Oswald and the pink curmudgeon will steal the foundation to your house this week. Chase them down with a gold pinapple to recover it. It takesa while to re-conoiter a chicken but with patience and a good toothbrush you will succeed.