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 Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:47 pm
This thread is for new members to show an examle of their RP style/skill and be given tips and pointers by more expierianced RPers from the guild.
It was a cool cloudy day with fog rolling along the moist ground, Tenshi looked out acrossed the beautiful dark sky, marveling at its splender, as he waited enjoying the view it beggan to drizzle lightly, his eyes closed as he let out a low moan of pleasure feeling the enegry around him and listoning to the rain fall on the ground around him.
Snaping out of his calm contomplation he opened his eyes, feeling all around him with his soul he felt all the little creatures crawling around him and smiling to himself at their cutiness, then he turned feeling that he needed to expend some energy and leaped into a tree continuing from tree to tree as fastas he could, wishing that he could share the beauty that he saw all around him with someone, someone who could apreciat it.
Note:My computer has some how deleted my Word program so misspellings may accure alot from me, please forgive me.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 5:34 pm
Ok, here's what i have a problem with...
Basically what you have there is two REALLY REALLY long sentances. Ignoring the spelling(cuz your computer blew up word rofl ) that's the biggest thing i see wrong.
Another thing i would like to point out is maybe describe a bit more on what's going on.
It was a cool cloudy day and trace amounts of fog could be seen rolling slowly along the moist ground. This was the view that Tenshi saw through his (insert his color eyes here) pristine eyes as he marveled at the worlds splendor. While he sat in wait, the patter of rain echoed within his ears as it began to trickle lightly, the earth at his feet becoming all the more damp. Slowly his lids closed, his mouth opening as his head tilted back to release a deep, baratone moan of pleasure; every inch of him tingling to the pure, raw energy he felt about his person.
This is basically just an example...and you don't need to take your rp up to my version of rping, we would just like to see a bit more description and a lot more sentances than just one sentance paragraphs ^-^
Here's what i do when i rp...i will sometimes close my eyes and put myself in my character's shoes. Then i think about what they see, what they smell, how does the area around them feel. Are there any particular sounds that i should describe? What sort of things are going on in their head.
Basically, there are SO many different things you could use to add into your rp to give it just a bit more and make it wonderful! You don't even have to use a big fancy vocabulary to get it to that point either. :3
So...hopefully that helped a bit and such -noddles- I can definatly see you as being a good addition to the guild we just want to push you a bit more xD -proddles you- pokepokepokepokepoke o.o
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 1:08 pm
Thank you for your addvice, I will attempt to improve. ^_^
The trees in this part of the ancient forest that Tenshi was leaping through were huge stretching at least two to three hundred feet into the air and at least spralled out to a therty to fifty feet at the base beautiful green moss and vines crawling over everything in sight of either his eyes or his soul sight for his soul sight everything was live and shimmering with an other worldly light that made his heart feel like he was flying, witch was not far from the truth, light fog still slowly crept through the roots and brambled vines of the forest floor while it gleamed with with the souls of vareous plants small rodents reptiles and of course an abundence of insects, and he thought to himself "How peaceful this place is...yes, I can live here, I think I have finaly found my home, I feel everything here, this place I shall live for the fest of my days.". Persiving this as he leapt from tree to tree with his eyes clenched tightly shut Tenshi suddenly sensed a dark shifting in the energy about five hundred yards to his right and fiftly feet down on a lower branch, then he stoped on a large branch to examine the distortion more intently using the moss and his padded leather boots to silence his landing, streatching out his soul past the shimmering life of the trees and creatures within his sphere of effect, witch in this place was massive, wundering to himself what kind of being exsisted on this world that could emit such a vile aura of hatered and malice and preparing himself to fight it as he know that a being such as this should not be allowed to wonder freely in his forest, this being hated everything and everyone. As Tenshi focused harder moving his soul all around the being without allowing it to sense his soul by halding it in a suttle concealing way, he tryed to feel what race it was, it felt like...well, like nothinf he had ever felt before, the only thing he could do wisely was watch it and see what it did, and how it attacked.
Is that alittle better, I know I'm still not quite as good as I'd like to be. ^_-
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Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:02 am
Yup yup, I agree with what the kiku-like-one says. Spelling isnt' really that much to worry about after all I have them on occasion, and well we've psudo gotten used to Eric so yeah... rolleyes Though if you could look through again and fix any you see before you post that would also be helpfull(If you do already then hey spiffy).
Anyway you've gotten better on the descriptive part of it, however you still need to work on sentances. In addition, and this is just my personal preference, you may want to put your post into seperate paragraphs otherwise it's harder to read. I'd put up an example like Kiku but my brain is to currently fried so I'm sorry on that note. Otherwise I guess...try try again? 3nodding
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Elemental-Valkyrie Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 11:00 am
i actually think that your latter exampe post much better. I think if you even did just that it would be more than acceptable here ^-^
But...as many will tell you, there's ALWAYS room for improvement -noddles- But that applies to everyone, not just you...so i'd say, feel free to jump in there and rp smile
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Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:16 am
*shrugs* This'll have nothing to do with the guild, just a sampling. Quote: Lila ran her fingers through her soft, raven hair as she walked down the halls of her university. Sweet tunes of Kyle Riabko filtered into her ears, her iPod sitting firmly in her pocket. She came upon her classroom, and slipped in unnoticed, slinking into a chair as the professor talked. The girl took out her notebook, turning to a fresh page on which to jot down whatever the professor was talking about. Nothing to really note, she thought, although the board did have an interesting chart on it. Just as she was copying it down, Lila's phone vibrated twice, signalling she had a new text message. Silently, she pulled out the phone, flipping it open and pressing the OK button. "You have seven days." "Cute, Riley. Real friggin' cute."
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Quilliam Fyre Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 11:17 am
It was mid day at a small taco stand in france there was A cowerdly looking man running the stand. Kage walked up to the count and siad "hello hows it going"? "hello miss what would you like today" the man siad well make gestures at the menue on the wall behind him. "i would like a moocnho borito"
siad Kage in a up spoken voice. "okay one mooncho borito comeing right up"
the cowerdly man siad with a quite voice
ps: let me know what i did wrong/right biggrin
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Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 7:56 am
For the most part it's pretty good, one thing I can point out right away is your dialogue needs a little work, it's nothing major but it will help the reader understand it better. Dialogue is often keep seperate on it's own line to help the reader better seperate when it's action and when it's speaking. For example: Quote: It was mid day at a small taco stand in france, there was a cowardly looking man running the stand. Kage walked up to the counter and siad. "Hello how's it going?" "Hello miss, what would you like today," the man said while make gestures at the menu on the wall behind him. "I would like a mucho burrito," said Kage in a up spoken voice. "Okay one mucho burrito coming right up," the cowardly man siad with a quite voice. Also, when writting dialogue always capitalize the first word in the speach to help people see that it is the beginning of the talking, and at the end of speach you want to have punctuation to let the reader know that that person is done talking. Unless you have description of what happened during the talking right after, then you use a comma before the ending quotation mark. Like this: Quote: "I would like a moocnho burrito," said Kage in an up spoken voice. This way the description of the speach won't be confused with something else. Other than that there are some spelling mistakes, but so long as the reader is able to understand it I'd say it's fine. Good job, and sorry I went all English Teacher there.
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Elemental-Valkyrie Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 4:05 pm
I think it's good Thorin, however I would still add more detail throughout the post. Also I would do a bit more of an intro. For instance describe the activity on the street around where the taco stand is, or add more of a description of the characters your using.
Also for your spelling, I'd see if Tannis or Talon could proof read it for you, otherwise if you don't mind me being able to edit your post I could fix some of you spelling for you after you post.
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Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 11:34 am
I'd say you did pretty good, but Elemental-Valkyrie is right, some added description would make it even better. Just try and think of things as though you were there, and come up with what things would set it up more. All we knew from what you had there was that it was a vendor on a street corner, maybe we could know about where it was, where there a lot of buildings around it? Where people waiting in like/did any of them catch your character's eye? Stuff like that, nothing huge, but to help us see more of what you see.
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