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Kieron Simato
Vice Captain

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Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:32 am

Yes the Vice-captain has taken his hand at writting >.>

After the post I wrote in the RP I was inspired to start off a story like that, I haven't gotten very far, i've only really started Chapter 1 but I have the Prologue ready here for those who are interested.

The story's about Falco =p who else.

Also it has come to my attention that apperently Gaia does't allow indentations, that's just plain annoying >.>

Prologue

Falco relaxed in the cockpit of his arwing as his vacation came to a close. Drifting through the asteroid belt with his feet up on the console, he decided that now might be the proper time to contact the team to request a rendezvous point. He removed his feet from the console and leaned forward, flipping the switch on the radio.
“Wingman to Great Fox, Wingman to Great Fox, this is Falco over.” Falco radioed out and waited.
No response.
“Wingman to Great Fox, this is Falco do you read?” He released button again and waited.
Still no response.
“Slippy? Fox? Krystal? Peppy? Anyone there?” Falco waited a third time for his team mates to radio back. He was getting rather uncomfortable with all this radio silence. This was strange, the team usually tried to get to the radio before Slippy could even get a chance, otherwise the radio would be active until the opposing side turned it off. But not even Slippy was picking up.

Falco was getting anxious. He flicked the radio again to send a message to the Great Fox.
“Rob?” He asked into the mike, if something was really wrong he knew Rob wouldn’t answer.
“Rob here.” A monotonous voice answered from the radio. Falco let out a sigh. He was relieved, or at least slightly more relieved, that at least the ships computer was active.
“Rob. This is Falco, please report status.” Falco commanded, he had to know the ship and crew status.
“Sheilds active at ten percent. Hull is at eighty-four percent capacity. Zero percent crew present. Zero percent crew casualty rate. All arwings are active.” Rob reported back over the radio. Well Falco knew something was going on now. And he had to get to where they were.
“Rob, what is your position?” Falco asked as he prepared the ship for launch and battle formation. “The Great Fox is located directly forty-eight degree’s by negative twelve degree’s from your position. Twelve clicks in distance.” Falco turned the ship and input the corrections into the flight navigator to correct him on his flight path, as he fired the engines.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

[/prologue]

So post what you think so far and i'll post later.
Constructive criticism loved, but there's a difference between negative criticism and trolling, and remember I'm the vice Captain so DEFINETLY don't troll. But don't suck up either XD

Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:10 pm

1

Thought’s raced through his mind as to what was going on. He knew he shouldn’t have let them alone for more then a day. What could have brought on such a problem where the team would have left the ship nearly completely in tact, and just up and go. Why would they dare do such a thing and ruin his vacation like this. Most of all he didn’t want to think that it might have been his fault for not having there best wingman there to fight with them. He hurriedly rocketed through the asteroids at a speed usually reserved for theoretical physics in an effort to reach the Great Fox. Soon enough he’d cleared the field and clearly saw the ship. It wasn’t in bad shape at all, a few blaster scars, maybe a nick on one of the wings but otherwise the ship seemed fine. Falco slowed the arwings speed and maneuvered around the ship to get a better view of the ship and noticed a large hit against the main engine, so large in fact it dug in slightly into the Great Fox itself.

He contacted Rob again. “Falco to Rob, wingman requesting to dock.” Falco requested as he hovered over the bay door. “Negative, Falco. Request denied.”
Falco paused.
“Care to explain why I can’t dock Rob?” He was getting slightly irritated that his good day was only getting worse.
“Because the docking bay is inactive.” Rob replied in monotone. Falco took another pause.
“And why is the docking bay inactive?” He replied in a manner that would have angered anyone who wasn’t a robot.
“Because the Great Fox’s power grid is inactive.” Falco left his beak open in surprise.
“I see… Are life support functions operational?” If the power was out would he even be able to breath inside the ship?
“Negative. Life support is offline. All auxiliary power is being rerouted to all my functions.” That was odd, why would the remaining power all be connected to Rob.

“Well Rob I would like to get in anyway, is it possible you could reroute power to the docking bay to let me in?” he asked. Falco waited for an answer and was beginning to become impatient. “Can you reroute power…”
“Negative, there isn’t enough energy to power the docking bay.” Rob interrupted. Falco was getting irritated again.
“What about the docking bay door? Can you keep it open long enough so that I can jump in?” Falco queried and this time allowed Rob time to calculate.
“Yes, I can keep the door open briefly.” Falco smiled and turned on his seat opening the slight hatch behind his seat. Looking through the emergency supplies in the hatch he removed the spacesuit and started putting it on.

“Rob, when I give you the signal, I want you to open the door alright?” Falco half asked, half order, as he was zipping up the suit. After he finished up and placed the helmet on his pistol and depressurized the cockpit of the arwing before he opened the hatch. He positioned the arwing near the door and signaled Rob to open the door. The door started to open slowly, releasing the red light which illuminated the docking bay under emergency circumstances. Falco jumped for the opening, and for a brief moment was left vulnerable in the dark nothingness that is space before pushing himself through the small opening.
“Alright Rob, you can close the door now. Close the door and keep auxiliary power on keep yourself on until I can reach you.” Falco ordered Rob who quickly affirmed his commands and began closing the door.

((I've noticed that the writing looks alot longer when it's written in word))

Kieron Simato
Vice Captain

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7r1gg3r_h499y

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Posted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 9:50 am

You got a good story going on, and it's pretty good. A few things though.
1. I noticed that almost every time you try to write a plural form of a word, you put 's. That's only supposed to work with possesion and contractions, not with plurals.
2. You don't take in the laws of phisics. if falco traveled at that speed, what may seem like minutes to him would be days outside of the arwing he was traveling in.
3. A few times when Falco asks ROB a question you don't put a question mark. Just look out for that.
4. You did not put ANY sort of theme that refers to blueberry pie. Do you KNOW how frustrated that makes us devoted pie fans?
Otherwise, good job at writing and keep at it!

Posted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 3:57 pm

7r1gg3r_h499y

You got a good story going on, and it's pretty good. A few things though.
1. I noticed that almost every time you try to write a plural form of a word, you put 's. That's only supposed to work with possesion and contractions, not with plurals.
2. You don't take in the laws of phisics. if falco traveled at that speed, what may seem like minutes to him would be days outside of the arwing he was traveling in.
3. A few times when Falco asks ROB a question you don't put a question mark. Just look out for that.
4. You did not put ANY sort of theme that refers to blueberry pie. Do you KNOW how frustrated that makes us devoted pie fans?
Otherwise, good job at writing and keep at it!

Well if there's no ? it's most likely because it's an order. If not I'll correct it sweatdrop and the theoretical physics was a joke, showing that he wasn't so much moving at a great speed but that he was in a great rush. <.< I'm sorry I wasn't able to get that through.

Kieron Simato
Vice Captain

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7r1gg3r_h499y

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Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:00 pm

That's fine. just keep at it!

Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 4:28 pm

That's cool! Keep the story going I'd like to see how it ends.

Dasfg5

Aged Gaian

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Kieron Simato
Vice Captain

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Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 6:38 pm

((Continuation of chapter1, I thought i'd already posted this.))

Falco began climbing his way through the docking area, staring at the empty holds that once held his mates ships and wished he could dock his own ship and not simply leave it sitting in space. He proceeded to float into the door. Surprised he shook his head and stared at the door waiting for it to open. It didn’t. He then knocked slightly on the door and moved closer to it for it to open. It still didn’t open. He moved over to the intercom.
“Rob I’m going to need you to bring power to the doors.” Falco requested as he massaged where the door had hit him.
“I can’t do that Falco, you said to keep all auxiliary power on myself until you reached me.” Rob’s response had Falco starring at the intercom. He thought to himself.
“Rob, use those logic sensors of yours for a second. How can I get to you if I can’t use the doors?” Falco waited for Rob’s response, and Rob took his sweet time giving it to him. Suddenly after a few moments the crackle of the intercom was heard again.
“… Affirmative, doors are now active.” The door that was so reluctant to let Falco through, suddenly opened. Falco shook his head and pulled himself through the door and into one of the many corridors of the Great Fox. He clutched his pistol firmly in his right hand as he pulled himself through the corridors. As far as he knew there was no threat, but he had no idea if what attacked the ship might have boarded or brought something on, so he kept clutching at his pistol until he’d finally reach the helm.

He passed through the mess hall on his way and noticed that the food that was floating around was only half eaten; whatever had attacked them had done it while they weren’t looking which meant they were either very good, or very lucky. As Falco watched the food swim across the room he started to get a little peckish himself, He hoped whatever was causing this power failure would end soon. He hit the opposing wall of the mess hall and pulled himself to the door, taking one last look at the room before pressing on.

Welcome to Gaia! ::

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