Welcome to Gaia! ::

Sad rant, please ignore if you don't wanna hear sadness in this place.

Once upon a time I was here everyday,
trying to get everyone else to post.
Then one day I was banned for letting the truth out.
They said they'd invite me back but they never did
and sadly I waited alone.
Feeling betrayed and very alone I asked again to be let in.

But it wasn't the same,
they didn't ask me back like they promised they would
and now this place just isn't the same.
Sadness and loss is what I find here,
and no one is ever around.
Did anyone care I was gone?

When other's return they are glomped and clinged,
but I get a simple hello.
Will I ever live online again,
what happened to my gaia home?
Am I doomed to fade out of this once magical world,
having no place to call my own?

I've been finding myself very disillusioned as of late and have become nialistic. I have lost a great deal of things over the last few years and don't know what to do about it all. This place used to give me support and bring me joy and I want back what I lost. Most things I must learn to let go of but if this place can be brought back for me, then I will try for that. I'm not the same person who first walked through those doors and I'm not sure you'd have let in the person I am today. The action the other day reminds me of the joyful old times we used to have here. I guess they've come back for you here. Do you think you could help bring them back for me?



Before anyone says anything you should all know that I had a transformation over the summer. It changed me so much that it's even changed my brain chemistry (we think), which is making my medication affect me negatively. I'm impatient and have stopped trying to please anyone. This means that while in the past I would try too hard to please everyone only to make myself miserable and fail terribly and would take it out on everyone else only to feel tremendous guilt and worthlessness. Now, I'm the polar opposite. I don't care what anyone else thinks and do whatever the hell I want (including swearing constantly) without caring if I hurt anyone in the process.

I have decided to entertain this new persona and let me have free range in all aspects of my life (except school). I think I need to act only for me for a while, while I learn to be confident in my own feet. It is my opinion that I will go through this faze as long as I need to and then when I am ready I will fade into the person I really want to be. Confident and not caring what others think, but still caring about their feelings and doing what both of us need. At this time, I still listen to friends' problems and try to help them, but the emotion is flattened. Who would have guessed that blowing up and taking complete control of things would be what calmed my emotions.

I'm tired of feeling guilty and forgiving people all the time. I'm done being taken advantage of and done using people to use me. It's ridiculous. I'm not helpless anymore and I'm not my father. I really know that now and the fear is gone. I can be free to give up on him without giving up on myself. I have finally severed the ties from my past and my father has faded out of my life, along with my fear of intimacy and of men. I am allowed to be controlling without being my father, and free from the control of others. I'm in charge now and that's how it's going to stay. I'm going to become the real me.

This should probably be in my journal but I didn't want to tell this to it (nor my other friends who might read it). I wanted to tell this to all of you; who know what has happened here in the past and why. Please say whatever you want in reply. But please know, I will not be made to feel guilty about all this. I have lived in terrible guilt and I am done with it now for good.

*hugs Asala-Mai*

I'm sorry I haven't been around much, but I am glad to see you around! heart

*hugs back* Thanks.

I'm confused because I don't see any way to take what you said wrong.

Well that's silly. No point in having hard feelings between friends.