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 Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:37 am
Just post all your silly jokes fun lyrics stupid thingies or maybe silly pictures.
Whatever you want that could be able to draw a laugh from somebody.
HAve lots of fun...
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:38 am
Purchasing a new bird
Panda After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:40 am
I often feel guilty
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:41 am
Randon thoughts
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?
Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abreviation such a long word?
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:56 am
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:58 am
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 1:00 am
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a b*****d when you're pissed, Superman."
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 1:04 am
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 7:46 am
what do you get when you cross a chicken with an egg and a frying pan?
One good scrambled fried Chicken! Yummy, lets eat! blaugh rofl
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Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 4:47 am
Santa's Lap
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"
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Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 4:48 am
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 9:43 am
Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat those beans at every meal.
Please keep in mind that beans are neither musical nor are they fruit until you eat them
Enjoy!
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Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:51 pm
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
I did not ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Smile, it makes other people wonder what you are up to.
The Earth Is Full , Go Home
Too many freaks, not enough circuss!
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Your Just Jealous Because The Voice Only Speaks To Me.
If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge.
Come to the dark side.. we have cookies.
Somewhere, a village is missing their idiot.
If it weren't for physics, and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
Can't sleep... the clowns won't let me.
Go fascinate someone else.
How may I ignore you today?
Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving ain't for you.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
Someone told me to get a life, but I'm not sure where to download that from.
If more people gave up there'd be fewer wars!
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.
I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy.
I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock!
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
Either the wallpaper goes or I do
A day without sunshine is like night.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT... SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN!
Whats this bout rowing gently down the stream? What do you think us rowers are? Pansies? HELL NO! Catch us if you can!
Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again?
God created men first, cause you always makes a rough draft before a masterpiece!
Heaven won't have me and hells afraid I'll take over!
FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!
I smile because I have no idea what is going on
*See my halo* *Bright n shiny* *Mess w/me* *I'll kick your hiney*
****I'm not weird! I'm gifted****
Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~* Big Girls dont cry they get even*~
Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.
Roses are red violets are blue
sugar is sweet and so are you,
but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head
Mirrors don't talk and lucky for you they don't laugh!
You can think your funnier then me, its ok lie to yourself once in awhile.
Don't upset me Im running Out of places to hide the bodies
~*If u mess with the best, you'll go down with the rest*~
Go away.... I have enough friends already
If it bites me, I bite it harder
A friend in need, is a bloody nuisance!!
If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.
A wise man once said "I dont know ask a woman!"
God is good, God is fair, for some he gave brains others hair
Enemies stab you in the back, friends stab you in the front.
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 6:12 am
A little girl in the 1940's wears her brand new dress to the first day of school. After school, young boys give her a stick of gum to climb a tree.
She goes home and says," Mommy! These boys gave me a stick of gum to climb a tree!"
Her mom said, "That's nice Honey."
The next day, the girl wore her favorite dress again, and again, the boys gave her gum to climb the tree.
"Mommy Mommy! Those boys gave me gum to climb the tree again!"
Her mom said, "Honey, you know what, they're just doing that to look at you're underwear."
"Oh, ok."
So the next day, the girl wore her dress again, and climbed the tree for gum again.
"Mommy Mommy! I got gum for climbing the tree again!"
"Honey, didn't I tell you that they were looking at your underwear?"
"I know! That's why I didn't wear any!"
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 12:27 pm
Hikaripup A little girl in the 1940's wears her brand new dress to the first day of school. After school, young boys give her a stick of gum to climb a tree. She goes home and says," Mommy! These boys gave me a stick of gum to climb a tree!" Her mom said, "That's nice Honey." The next day, the girl wore her favorite dress again, and again, the boys gave her gum to climb the tree. "Mommy Mommy! Those boys gave me gum to climb the tree again!" Her mom said, "Honey, you know what, they're just doing that to look at you're underwear." "Oh, ok." So the next day, the girl wore her dress again, and climbed the tree for gum again. "Mommy Mommy! I got gum for climbing the tree again!" "Honey, didn't I tell you that they were looking at your underwear?" "I know! That's why I didn't wear any!" haha that was really funny, I swear I'm laughing like a loone right now.
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