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 Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 1:41 pm
I don't really know where to start with this..
Ah well, I guess I'll try to pull it together somehow.
Alrighty, long story short, I almost never get angry. However, when I do, I tend to get REALLY angry because of all of the crap I had internalized prior to said outburst. I never get violent, but I do end up going almost 'feral' in a sense. I get down low(like kinda crouching like) and almost look as though I'm about to attack, my hands tend to tense into 'claw form', so to speak, from habit(when I last got that angry, they were out to my sides like I was going to lunge forward at the person). I make a growling or snarling sound(which can best be compared to like me rolling my Rs at the back of my throat. I think it makes me sound like an idiot and I hate it..yet..I fail to break myself of this habit) and depending on how mad I am, sometimes my voice goes right rough sounding like I'm barking/growling out every word.
Sometimes, when I get like this, I get bombarded with random mental pictures. When it had happened to me on Thursday(yes, someone had actually made me angry) I had the most bizarre mental image of two wolves fighting. Like, they're both down low and one lunged forward, snapping at the other. The other mental picture was like a wolf snarling and bearing its fangs.
After I exploded at the one who angered me, I growl/snarled once again, turned and bolted back to the classroom rather than to further provoke the situation.
Here's the weird part; I don't associate myself with wolves anymore and that growling habit(as well as the random wolf mental pictures when I'm ticked or upset) had only begun after I had kinda 'grown away' from wolves and found myself liking other animals better. *shrugs* Maybe just a strange coincidence..but yeah..Does anything like this ever happen to anyone else? Or am I just messed up in the head?
This post/topic is mostly serving to ensure that I am not totally being driven insane. Sometimes I have to wonder, yanno?
...
I almost have a feeling that the first reply to this I'm gonna get is "Go Seek Psychological Help, Ya Nutball!!". ~.~
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Posted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 6:14 am
A few days have passes and after thinking and rethinking the issue I've been wondering if the Wolf mental pictures were somehow as a result of my Wolf totem..Not sure..but..Yanno, I thought I'd ask. sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 5:02 pm
I think there's a major part of your part of this issue that you're not seeing. Though it may be convinient at the time, and may seem easier to deal with, holding all of your anger in until you explode is definetly not healthy. Believe me, I speak from experience. And depending on how much frustration you have in your life and how often you have these outbursts, they may be bad enough to bring out these "feral" habits. I know I usually get violent when I'm angry, maybe you just get...feral. Maybe your mind equates how you're feeling to some documentary or movie you watched with wolves fighting, and so you unknowingly act the part. The mind works in strange and mysterious ways, so even though it might seem a bit far-fetched, I can almost guarantee there is a documented case of something similar somewhere.
Hey, I may not have said anything significant, but at least I didn't say "OMG UR CRZY!" You know, not that I'd ever say that anyway. But I could. But I wouldn't.
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 8:21 pm
My big answer to the totem idea is: maybe. You likely have some subconcious link with them still, despite a concious drifting away.
As for losing one's mind... let me tell you that it is one of the scariest things I all most did...
Or, rather, my mind was almost taken from me. Certain types of stress really are terrible...
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Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:10 pm
Khalida Nyoka My big answer to the totem idea is: maybe. You likely have some subconcious link with them still, despite a concious drifting away. As for losing one's mind... let me tell you that it is one of the scariest things I all most did... Or, rather, my mind was almost taken from me. Certain types of stress really are terrible... It is quite possible that I do somehow possess a subconsious link or something along those lines. Thanks for your insight into the matter and your input. Though, I'm curious..Might I inquire as to how your mind was almost taken from you/how you almost lost your mind?
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 11:07 pm
Well, you can always ask a person something... the real question is whether or not they will tell you anything.
I will.
It involved a massive falling out with my family, several fragile items in my room were destroyed by my sister the night or so nefore this (out of her anger and frustration at the whole situation).
I had to make a decision as to whether I would be with my family, and thus lose everything I wanted to be, or I could make myself free.
To make a story two years in the making short, I'll sum it all up.
I was going to take my mother to court, and I had enough backing that I could likely manage what I was trying to do. She threatened to put me in a foster home for the remaining months until I was 18. I told her to do it, and she backed down once she realized that whether or not I knew exaclty what that would mean for me, I had amazing resolve on the issue.
However, she did not back down until after I all most lost it. She seemed to be considering coming to my side (my mother) when I found that essentially the last leg I was standing on had been swiped rihgt out from under my feet. The one thing that could make it so all of this would work out, and I could actually have my life(she wasn't responsible for it, by the way). I got a phone call, from her, explaining how it wasn't going to be able to work. After being under massive strain for three or so month, I really could not take it. I proceeded to class as usual, in a zombie-ish form. Nothing mattered, it seemed like it was done. Nothing could be changed... my entire future had just been ripped out of my hands for about the seventh time, and I had no more ideas and no more backup plans.
the one thing that kept me sane was the love from my then fiancée, now wife. She got out of school for the rest of the day, fed me, took me to the lawyer for me to sign paperwork, and then took me to her house. Fortunately I'd been intentionally visiting and leaving my dirty laundry there, so I had clothes. Later that day my mom called, and she actually found a solution.
After my wife picked me up, I felt better... she calmed me down, and managed to pull me away from the edge. I literally felt like I was standing on an edge, and that at any instant I might fall over... an odd feeling to say the least... especially when one is sitting in a chair. When my Mother called later, things got even better. The problem got resolved, and I got the rest of my things and moved in with my wife and her family.
If all that hadn't happened, however, I would be in Texas right now in a rented home, away from anybody I knew, except for my mother.
I'm glad things went the way they did... despite the trauma.
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Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 1:53 pm
Khalida Nyoka Well, you can always ask a person something... the real question is whether or not they will tell you anything. I will. It involved a massive falling out with my family, several fragile items in my room were destroyed by my sister the night or so nefore this (out of her anger and frustration at the whole situation). I had to make a decision as to whether I would be with my family, and thus lose everything I wanted to be, or I could make myself free. To make a story two years in the making short, I'll sum it all up. I was going to take my mother to court, and I had enough backing that I could likely manage what I was trying to do. She threatened to put me in a foster home for the remaining months until I was 18. I told her to do it, and she backed down once she realized that whether or not I knew exaclty what that would mean for me, I had amazing resolve on the issue. However, she did not back down until after I all most lost it. She seemed to be considering coming to my side (my mother) when I found that essentially the last leg I was standing on had been swiped rihgt out from under my feet. The one thing that could make it so all of this would work out, and I could actually have my life(she wasn't responsible for it, by the way). I got a phone call, from her, explaining how it wasn't going to be able to work. After being under massive strain for three or so month, I really could not take it. I proceeded to class as usual, in a zombie-ish form. Nothing mattered, it seemed like it was done. Nothing could be changed... my entire future had just been ripped out of my hands for about the seventh time, and I had no more ideas and no more backup plans. the one thing that kept me sane was the love from my then fiancée, now wife. She got out of school for the rest of the day, fed me, took me to the lawyer for me to sign paperwork, and then took me to her house. Fortunately I'd been intentionally visiting and leaving my dirty laundry there, so I had clothes. Later that day my mom called, and she actually found a solution. After my wife picked me up, I felt better... she calmed me down, and managed to pull me away from the edge. I literally felt like I was standing on an edge, and that at any instant I might fall over... an odd feeling to say the least... especially when one is sitting in a chair. When my Mother called later, things got even better. The problem got resolved, and I got the rest of my things and moved in with my wife and her family. If all that hadn't happened, however, I would be in Texas right now in a rented home, away from anybody I knew, except for my mother. I'm glad things went the way they did... despite the trauma. Well damn, that dosen't leave much hope for the rest of us. I am in a similar situation as you were, I suppose, or at least from what you're written (though I suspect it goes much deeper). I had a major fall out a few months ago with my father, and had the chance to leave, but I didn't after being convinced that my parents were getting a divorce. Needless to say, they're still together, and we're all walking on eggshells until the next blow up. And actually, we're about due for one shortly. I still wish I would have left, but I'm moving up north this summer anyway, then I'll be off to college. I've had to have several friends talk me out of killing or seriously injure my father many times, and I'm still not completely convinced not to. Every once in a while I'll see some sharp object and think something along the lines of, "wow, that would look good sticking out of my father's chest," then laugh. But I don't know, we are shaped by our hardships. And as I've said many times before, the only true sign that you still know you're sane is thinking of yourself and your habits as odd or weird. Because once you start thinking you're normal, you've truly lost it.
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Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:16 pm
I'd like to say I'm sorry about your family life right now, and that I wish it were better.
I occasionally email my mom (I need to again soon... it's been a while...), and I try to remember to keep contact. Though I know my family will always remember me for being Judas.
Just remember, when all else fails, keep the goal in mind (stay the course, I guess). Your parents may break up, they may not... but don't ever let them control the course of your life. It is your right to live, and nothing gives them the right (not even being your parents) to try and control your life or what you do with it.
Yagi:
Sorry we're not being more helpfull...
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 4:54 pm
Khalida Nyoka I'd like to say I'm sorry about your family life right now, and that I wish it were better. I occasionally email my mom (I need to again soon... it's been a while...), and I try to remember to keep contact. Though I know my family will always remember me for being Judas. Just remember, when all else fails, keep the goal in mind (stay the course, I guess). Your parents may break up, they may not... but don't ever let them control the course of your life. It is your right to live, and nothing gives them the right (not even being your parents) to try and control your life or what you do with it. Yagi: Sorry we're not being more helpfull... My therapist says I should probably write both my parents a letter after I move out, since talking has only worsened matters in the past. I've started writing so many letters that I've had to throw away because they just don't sound right. Unless one of our fights gets that physical again, I don't think my parents are going to get divorced. My mother makes too many excuses for him, and since I'm leaving home soon, she "dosen't want to be alone". But lucky for me, I guess, what I lack in immediate family I make up for with my extended family. My father has 6 siblings, and they all had at least 2 children, so I've got a hell of an extended family. Most of them live in Maryland, so I'll probably live with one of them. And thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. Yagi, I'm sorry too that we couldn't be of more help.
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 5:41 pm
Wow..I'm very sorry to hear about both of your hardships..
I hope things get better for you soon, Dras.
It's alright, I don't mind that you couldn't really help me all that much. As it had already been suggested earlier in this thread..There might be just some subconsious psychological connection at work or something. It could be a totem/guide..Who knows?
Besides, I'm probably supposed to figure it out on my own anyway. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 5:59 pm
Pageantry Wow..I'm very sorry to hear about both of your hardships.. I hope things get better for you soon, Dras. It's alright, I don't mind that you couldn't really help me all that much. As it had already been suggested earlier in this thread..There might be just some subconsious psychological connection at work or something. It could be a totem/guide..Who knows? Besides, I'm probably supposed to figure it out on my own anyway. sweatdrop Thanks. But yeah, it may be something underlying, or the toem thing. I'd say, if it gets to the point where it's really bothering you, or you think you might actually attack or hurt something or yourself, then you'd want to go see someone about it. But other than that, I don't really think there's much to be done psychologically to correct anything.
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:09 pm
DrasBrisingr Pageantry Wow..I'm very sorry to hear about both of your hardships.. I hope things get better for you soon, Dras. It's alright, I don't mind that you couldn't really help me all that much. As it had already been suggested earlier in this thread..There might be just some subconsious psychological connection at work or something. It could be a totem/guide..Who knows? Besides, I'm probably supposed to figure it out on my own anyway. sweatdrop Thanks. But yeah, it may be something underlying, or the toem thing. I'd say, if it gets to the point where it's really bothering you, or you think you might actually attack or hurt something or yourself, then you'd want to go see someone about it. But other than that, I don't really think there's much to be done psychologically to correct anything. Alrighty. Thanks Dras. It's good to hear people's opinions on things sometimes, so, I'm really glad to hear your and Khalida's input. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 6:37 pm
When those of us who are umm insert own definition here, some times when our emotions are at their most potent those of us close to our subconciuos and our intuition tend to become whatever that emotion or we ouselves are closest to at the moment....dont know if that rambling helped at all, but as to your sanity, I think you are sane but I'll leave you with my favorite author's quote "Prople ask me all the time if they are losing their minds, I always tell them 'I am the one who thinks I am a fairy and you are asking Me if YOU are crazy?'"- Francessca De Gandis
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 4:18 pm
3nodding losing thy mind is fun. Especially when they come and put you in the white jackets. then you can play "burn the jacket and escape from the big white car unscathed." 3nodding Then the people with guns chase you... and that's not so fun.
Embrace Insanity.
We get cookies on wednsday.
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Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 12:57 am
BeautifulNitemare When those of us who are umm insert own definition here, some times when our emotions are at their most potent those of us close to our subconciuos and our intuition tend to become whatever that emotion or we ouselves are closest to at the moment....dont know if that rambling helped at all, but as to your sanity, I think you are sane but I'll leave you with my favorite author's quote "Prople ask me all the time if they are losing their minds, I always tell them 'I am the one who thinks I am a fairy and you are asking Me if YOU are crazy?'"- Francessca De Gandis Hn? So..You think that I might be closer to my subconsious mind than I think that I am? That these behaviors might be somehow related to that? Hnn..That's interesting. Thank you. 3nodding
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