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 Posted: Sun Jun 12, 2005 3:03 pm
You could hear the angels crying,
as the demons laughed. You saw
the tears and heard the sobs.
Just the sounds made your ears throb.
You know it was your fault but you
did nothing to right your own wrong.
You sat and laughed along. Your own wings
have tainted with the tears of both joy and sorrow
and all along there you sat. You wish to cry here you
go take this kinfe and drive it through you so
called heart. Die with your own tears and be
mocked on your by others that get the same joy
using the same toy.
What do you think?
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Posted: Sun Jun 12, 2005 3:52 pm
Hmm...a little constructive criticism, don't use as many periods, use more commas. Commas are more pleasing to the readers eyes and voice if to recite.
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Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2005 12:08 pm
I liked it uptil the character in the poem dedcided to drive a kinfe thought their heart. *Sigh. What happened to the happy poems in this work... sweatdrop
But it'd good, not much going on in this poem but it's a interesting free verse.
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:19 am
girl I love all your work and this one doesn't dissapoint... I love the imagry... the topic is great.... can't wait to read some more of your stuff
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:38 pm
It was good, even if it was depressing. Its rhythm makes it seem more like prose than poetry, but that might just be your thing. Some of the rhymes seemed awkward, like sobs and throbs. It seemed to me that the 'throbs' line was only there to rhyme with sobs and it made it feel really weird there. I don't know how you can make this feel more natural though... maybe wording it differently? It did have good imagery, though, which is always a plus. Good job!
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:29 pm
This is the kind of poem I like. It's got a really deep meaning. Plus, you have the ability to make people feel empathy in your work. That's awesome. I really liked it; keep it up!
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 6:41 pm
My initial reaction was that I liked the use of "You". Dunno why, just rubbed me the right way I guess. blaugh And having periods did make me a little dizzy, because I would come to end of the line and expect one there, or something. Not bad.
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Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 7:30 pm
It has a good meaning to it, and it's a good overall poem. Only thing that bothered me was the breaking of the lines. They were broken in odd spots, and didn't really flow as much as I feel they should have...
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