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I have this song in two parts. It's about the place I feel closest to God. The only problem is that I have the song and the tune and everything in my head, but I have no musical talent (instruments or singing) so it won't ever be a real song but tell me if you like what I guess we'll call poetry. Here they are:
4963 (Part 1): A Space Metaphor
I can't see you
From the window in my room
Don't relive this past
Of inevitable doom
Planets come and planets go
Where they are now, I do not know
How life goes by, life goes by
I see the tears your heart had cried

Oh why, oh why
Shooting stars they tell no lies

What happened to you coming back
Hold the ropes and give some slack
Life goes on, life goes on
Sing me your melancholy song

Are you blinded by the light
Out of sound
And out of night
Am I failing you as it is
Shake things up and let them fizz
Nature corress these fragile souls
Dig the ground and fill the holes
Hearts are beating in the night
I am blinded by the light

Oh why, oh why
Shooting stars they all tell lies

What happened to you coming back
Hold the ropes and give no slack
How come I, How come I
Have no tears left to cry

4963 (Part 2): Don't Tell Me This Time
Take these days away
And then sorrow may lay
On the bed I slept
Don't kill these memories I kept
Two Weeks Without Temptation
Time tells no destination
Memories to tell
Cast this neverending spell

Don't tell me this time
Is the last time
For a first time
Tell me I have time
In this place I lay
In my dreams of yesterday

If we allow ourselves to give
Then this day can forever live
In a dream of friends so near
This place will always be right here
In a heart of mine
Give me time again
The sun will always shine
Where these memories begin

Don't tell me this time
Is the first time
Of our last time
Give me some more time
In this place I lay
Remembering the days

Take me to where the stars shine bright
I am blinded by these artificial lights
But when I go there I will find
Grateful memories of time

And don't tell me that time
Will give no time
For a last time
Only Time will tell
The stars, they cast their spell

Good work here. I like the different imagery you've used. A unique perspective (space metaphor, hehe). Since, as you say, it is more poetic than lyrical, it would be difficult to translate into a singable version without a good amount of modification. The second part seems that it would translate better than the first, in my opinion.

"Am I failing you as it is
Shake things up and let them fizz"

This rhyme feels a little forced. The imagery of the word 'fizz' doesn't fit well with the other imagery in this stanza. Darkness, light, digging holes, night, etc. Try something that uses similar imagery. Some rhyming words that might fit: abyss, bliss.

I love the repitition of the 'oh why, oh why, shooting stars', especially with the contrasting statement the second time. It really gives the feel of struggle, a theme that I sense throughout the whole piece. Good work here! smile