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 Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:39 pm
Hi
I've decided to take on the roll of addressing this topic, due to the seriousness and complexity of abuse and its related forms. In honor of Elder Abuse Awareness, I've also added a spot for Elder abuse, but do be aware that any of the extras mentioned in there are forms of abuse for anyone of any age.
Table of Contents
1. Intro and Legal Definitions
2. Who to talk to
3. Surviving & Resources
I'm going to do this in 3 sections. The first will cover some of the legal terms used to discribe the various forms of abuse and rape. The second is for those who have just recognized they are in this situation and not sure where to go or who to talk to. And finally, for those who are recovering from the trauma and after shocks of their experience.
Not that one form is more serious than another, but I intend to keep this space with general based info, so quite often you will see me post things like "Forms of abuse" or "abuse" as it gets too complicated specifically targeting each area.
1. Legal Definitions:
To start, I wish to clarify some of the terms that are often used to indicate some of the similarities, and differences between terms. But for simplicities sake, often the only differences are the types of behaviour (verbal, physical, sexual), the level of violence, the age of the victim, and the relationship of the accused.
Harrassment: uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical behaviour that causes another person discomfort or is considered unpleasant/upsetting
Assault : an attempt to inflict physical harm or verbal threat to cause bodily harm on a person
Physical Abuse : Same as above but usually used in cases where person threatened is considered a minor (may vary on location, but usually anyone under the age of 16)
Emotional, Mental or Verbal Abuse : constantly hearing words/comments that are intented to be offencive, beligerent, and belittle a person and/or used to create feelings of fear or guilt. This is not considered a crime, but can be confusing or drastically lower a persons sense of self worth and self esteem.
Neglect : Any situation where basic necessities (Shelter, warmth, food and/or water, appropriate care/assistance) of life are not apropriately attended to, restricted or non existent and cause harm to a persons well being.
Incest : sexual contact between family members who are closely related
Seduction : the enticement of a person to sexual intercourse. There are no laws against this, so long as both people are able to give legal consent (are of apropriate age and mentality, and not under the influence of drugs, alcohol or duress), and have an understanding of what is taking place. But do note that, at any point, a person has the right to refuse.
Sexual Assault : Unwanted sexual contact, where person did not give consent or did not have the physical or mental ability to offer apropriate consent (people with disabilities, duress, or under age)
Sexual Abuse : Same as above but only used for cases where victim is considered a minor
Rape : any sexual activity where person was forced or under threat of injury and actions were done against persons will
Elder Abuse : A general term for any form of mal treatment of senior persons by a caregiver or family member. This includes any of the above plus violation of rights and freedoms, financial abuse (misuse of another person's funds, property or possessions), religious/spiritual abuse (use the person's beliefs to undermine or control them)
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:40 pm
WHO TO TALK TO
This question is actually the easiest to answer, but the hardest to do. People who have been hurt in this way have a confused sense of trust, may feel shame, or may have been informed that something bad would happen if they told anyone (or they don't want abuser to go to jail). Thus they feel they can't discuss this. And not discussing it is among the worst things anyone can do to themselves or even others who have similar experiences.
TALK TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
The issues of trust are the hardest to work past. In most cases the abuser/rapist is known to their victim and depending on the relationship can seriously reduce the amount of trust in other people "If this person hurt me, that person might also." But this is not always the case. There are people who you can talk to, and are willing to do what is needed to get you out of any danger, and help you to work through the trauma experienced.
TALK UNTIL YOU ARE BLUE IN THE FACE, TAKE A BREATH, THEN TALK SOME MORE
Finding people who will listen, usually isn't hard, once you realize there are still some people you can trust. The following are some people and places you can go to.
Parents
Relatives
Friends & neighbors
Daycare and teachers
Doctor
Counsellor
Police
Fire Fighters
Ambulance Attendant
Clergy
Coaches, Recreation center employees
Protection agencies (children and adult)
Crisis/Help Phones
City Hall
Library
Something to be aware of, is that some of the people are required by law to report any form of abuse or sexual assault to the police. For minors, unfortunatly, if your parents or guardians are not already part of the reporting, they will be during the interviews. But if you are worried about your safety and any after effects of reporting, make sure you let the authorities know just how scared you are about going home.
FILING A REPORT
The process can be a bit nerve wracking, and usually more complicated for adults than kids, but sometimes a necessary event to ensure the safety of yourself and possibly others.
Abuse in any form is a crime, and should be reported to the police imediately. But for various reasons it doesn't always occure. I'm hoping that maybe if I discussed some of the procedures it will reduce some of the fears involved. But I know it won't help with them all. If this is the case I hope you are able to find someone who can help you through your fears.
First off, the more physical evidence the police can get the better. Rape/Assault kits are used within 24 h of the incident , photos, and cloths may be taken as well. If the incident occured a while back, it is still worth while to file a report. There may be other things available to help keep you and others safe.
You may bring a friend, or someone you trust. It is more of a support and comfort thing if you have a familiar face close by. Kids have it a bit easier than adults. The police are usually more patient, and try to make things as comfortable as possible. For adults, it depends on the officers involved. Most are usually decent, some though can be jerks. Try not to take it personally, but if they get too obnoxious ask for their superior. The main part of the report will be questions....lots of questions and often repeated. Don't get upset or annoyed, it is part of the procedure for story verification. These question sessions are often video and audio recorded. This is just to reduce the stress of having to repeat the story should it go to court.
Then there may be some follow up interviews, not just with you, but any potential witnesses or character references. Mostly, just to verify the story. It will also keep you informed of where the investigation may be leading to. Also note, that not everything is the way it is on TV. News has a tendency of reporting the "worst situatuions" or when the system has failed. These are actually very rare, considering the frequency of new cases that come in every day.
If you still have any concerns or questions don't hesitate to ask, either in the thread, or PM
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 7:01 pm
SurvivingThe after effects of an abusive experience are not pleasant. Survivors are often fearful, distrustful, filled with shame, guilt, or even denial. These will have a great impact on their daily lives, and can be very difficult to over come. But it is possible to survive. It may not seem like it to start, and it may seem to take forever to regain some sense of order. But it will occure. Know that what happened is not your fault, and be patient with yourself, and those around you. Some people may be very understanding and do what they can to help you through this, but others may not be so and get a bit confused. This is typical, and not much we can do about it, but continue to do what you need to in order to heal. Some other points. exclaim You are still valued. Don't ever think you are not. exclaim exclaim Don't loose heart in activities and interests you enjoy. So long as it is safe and it provides some comfort. exclaim Try to avoid drugs, alcohol and self injuring behaviours. I know for some it offers temporary relief, but not effective enough to offer complete freedom from memories. Sometimes, these methods can backfire and make things far worse than they need to be. exclaim Seek out positive affection. Rediscover what a hug given in friendship feels like, and don't be afraid of it exclaim Talk, Talk, Talk exclaim talking about what happened does help BooksThe Sexual Healing Journey By Wendy Maltz For Yourself (sorry don't have the authors name) WebsitesUSA Albion Fellows http://www.albionfellowsbacon.org/New York Children's Aid Society http://www.childrensaidsociety.org/Canada Kids Help Phone http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/en/Children's Aid Society Toronto http://www.casmt.on.ca/Simcoe http://www.simcoecas.com/en/index.aspKawartha-Haliburton http://www.khcas.on.ca/Women's Resource Centers Richmond http://www.richmondwomenscentre.bc.ca/welcome.htmMental abuse information http://ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Abuse---The-7-Most-Important-Things-To-Know&id=60849http://cyberparent.com/abuse/mental.htmIf anyone has other sites or resources available feel free to post them Elder abuse http://www.cnpea.ca/what_is_abuse.htmhttp://www.elderabusecenter.org/default.cfm?p=statehotlines.cfmThanks heart
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Posted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 11:24 am
What about being seduced?
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Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:09 pm
Leshirin What about being seduced? Legally it doesn't really count unless there is sufficient proof of the seduction. And generally unless you have an awesome lawyer, the proof will have to involve drugs or alcohol. crying
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Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:11 pm
For Evansville, IN, USA one of THE best places for help is Albion Fellows. They were a great help for me.
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Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 2:54 pm
Leshirin What about being seduced? Seduction is not illegal, as a person always has the right to refuse. The illegal aspects come in based on the age of person being influenced, or their mental state. I've added it to the definitions
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Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 12:19 pm
To those who posted above me:
Depending on the amount of info this thread may need, I might one day delete your enteries.
My appologies in advance
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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:02 am
I have another for Surviving.
Try to jump back into your daily routine.
It will help you to get through the experience by getting your mind back onto everyday life. Your friends will help you will this. For me, two days after I went back to my classes (my Spanish teacher told me to get out of his class when I walked in before class had started!! But when I discussed it with him, he understood why I was wanting to come back. He ended up telling me that if I turned in any of the labs a bit late, he would be OK with it.). Getting back into my routine helped me get over what had happened. I haven't forgotten about it, I just was able to deal with it because the class work kept my mind focused.
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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:50 pm
Raeden Michelle I have another for Surviving. Try to jump back into your daily routine. It will help you to get through the experience by getting your mind back onto everyday life. Your friends will help you will this. For me, two days after I went back to my classes (my Spanish teacher told me to get out of his class when I walked in before class had started!! But when I discussed it with him, he understood why I was wanting to come back. He ended up telling me that if I turned in any of the labs a bit late, he would be OK with it.). Getting back into my routine helped me get over what had happened. I haven't forgotten about it, I just was able to deal with it because the class work kept my mind focused. I'm going to alter that just a bit, as there are some situations where getting back to old routines might be a bit tricky, but thanks for sharing heart
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 10:42 am
What about mental abuse? It's not technically a crime and other than spending a life time in therapy I can't really imagine there's anyway to move on.
And of course the bad thing is, sometimes a big part of sexual abuse/assault is mental abuse...although its one of a different sort.
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 8:41 am
Thyna Raeden Michelle I have another for Surviving. Try to jump back into your daily routine. It will help you to get through the experience by getting your mind back onto everyday life. Your friends will help you will this. For me, two days after I went back to my classes (my Spanish teacher told me to get out of his class when I walked in before class had started!! But when I discussed it with him, he understood why I was wanting to come back. He ended up telling me that if I turned in any of the labs a bit late, he would be OK with it.). Getting back into my routine helped me get over what had happened. I haven't forgotten about it, I just was able to deal with it because the class work kept my mind focused. I'm going to alter that just a bit, as there are some situations where getting back to old routines might be a bit tricky, but thanks for sharing heart Thats cool, I understand that. I had to alter my walking route a bit so that I was less likely to see certain people.
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 8:47 am
Oterys What about mental abuse? It's not technically a crime and other than spending a life time in therapy I can't really imagine there's anyway to move on.
And of course the bad thing is, sometimes a big part of sexual abuse/assault is mental abuse...although its one of a different sort. Mental abuse is hard...but one thing you have to start to build or rebuild is your self esteem. If you can do that, then you realize how horrible the other person was to you and how much better you deserve to be treated. It becomes a thing of the past. You never want to full out forget it, because you can still learn from the horrifying experience. For example, if it was a relationship, you can look out for similar signs in future relationships. sorry, I lost my train of thought somewhere, so if that sounds weird...
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Posted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 11:13 pm
Oterys What about mental abuse? It's not technically a crime and other than spending a life time in therapy I can't really imagine there's anyway to move on.
And of course the bad thing is, sometimes a big part of sexual abuse/assault is mental abuse...although its one of a different sort. It's along the same lines as Emotional and Verbal so I included it there it is possible to recover from. But it can take a while depending on how low their self esteem and sense of personal value has become. Most cases do have situations of 2 or more forms of abuse.
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Posted: Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:33 pm
i was sexually and verbally abused by both of my husbands and i can say that im a survivor of it.
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