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 Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 9:01 pm
This is something new that I've been thinking about lately, and I wanted opinions on it. I haven't editted it yet, so please ignore minor grammatical and spelling errors. I hope it's not too confusing, and that everyone likes it!
Prologue--- Death seems to be in no hurry tonight
The beeping was faint, but she could hear it clearly. She didn't know where she was, but that beeping could drive a person mad! Slowly allowing her hazel eyes to flutter open, she realized that everything was white with the exception of the red stains on the bandages on her arms. Wait, bandages? Why are they there? And what is that red stuff all over them? She knew the answer, but figured she just wanted to try and act as if it never happened.
It wasn't possible that she, Mindy Tallen, promising college student and charming young adult of twenty-two, could really have been hit by a car. It wasn't possible that the person crying earlier had been her roommate and friend, Tara Rogers. What really wasn't possible is that she could die.
She didn't know for a fact, but earlier when she was far too drugged up on sedatives to have been able to comprehend anything, she heard talking. Of course, she knew what was being said, or at least parts of what was being said. Blood, loss, glass, shattering, bones... In the world of medicine, it all meant something. Just like the words he muttered afterwards, 'I'm sorry', meant something.
They didn't believe she would live.
She didn't believe she would live.
She didn't realize that earlier, when she was too busy asking herself if the fact that she was questioning whether or not she was thinking actually proved she was thinking. Now she understood the words she had dismissed so easily. With the smell of blood and alcohol overpowering all else, she knew.
This was a hospital, no one thought she would live because she had slammed through the front window of the car, embedding hundreds, maybe thousands of pieces of glass into her body. Bones shattered, blood splattered, and the ambulance always seemed to arrive too late. The nameplate on the door was her's, and the pain was intense enough to convince her this wasn't a dream and that no amount of sedatives would help. The only thing that would stop the pain was death, and the good ol' grim reaper sure seemed to be taking his time tonight.
Soon though, he would come and claim this five foot five beauty. She laughed at herself for wondering if the blood had straightened her usually short, curly red hair or damaged her favorite jeans and maroon sweatshirt. As the beeping slowed down, she realized it wouldn't matter soon, yet she couldn't stop worrying about it. What a petty thought to end it all on... Vain to the end I see... Even the thought of her being vain was ridiculous, but then again, she seemed to be having far too many ridiculous thoughts tonight. She supposed that happened when you were about to die, and began to wonder why. Before she could find her answer the beeping slowed to a remarkably slow pace, bringing a nurse rushing to her room. Suddenly the beeping stopped, leaving Mindy no time to wonder if she had finally died or if her senses had just given up on her.
The nurse watched the doctors frantically try and revive her to no avail.
It was recorded that at Trints Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia, Mindy Tallen had died on January 16th at 2:47 a.m. due to bleeding.
Now all that was left to do was tell her roommate.
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Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2005 10:01 am
o.o wow... That was good! It has the beginnings of a plot, and the entire idea captures one's attention. Post more when you write it?
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 5:11 pm
very good, you kept me interested
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 7:32 am
promising, loved how that ended.........
abit light hearted but i guess that adds to the effect of her being drugged up..............................
^^ good work
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:26 pm
That was great. Very realistic, and detailed. That is one you should be proud of.
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Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 3:04 pm
:O I love it so far! It seems like it will be a great story. Just one question, and it might be irrelivant: where are her parents? I hope you're going to continue this, and post it here when you do add more.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 8:18 pm
Awesome. I can't believe I hadn't read it before. My one thing about this is something a lot of writers do. . . I do it a lot too. . . You introduced everything about the character at once. Her name, age, career, all of it was shoved in the readers face at once. You could leave it like that to be really in your face and perhaps a bit more impactful (good if you want those details to sink in) or you can spread it out and be a bit more subtle about it (a more difficult writing technique stressed .) I really like it. It's somewhat creepy, yet very realistic (how would I know. . . I've never died. . . )
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:20 pm
Thanks for your comments! I wanted to shove everything about this character onto the reader here because she isn't the main character and there will be more characterization, but from a different view later on. This is the only real chance we get to know her from her point of view, so I needed to take advantage of that...
Oh, and her parents live in a different state and since she died hours after the accident, they haven't been able to get there. Depressing, I know, but death tends to be that way... I'm going to try and add later tonight, so hopefully I'll have the next part up tomorrow!
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 2:30 pm
Cereah Thanks for your comments! I wanted to shove everything about this character onto the reader here because she isn't the main character and there will be more characterization, but from a different view later on. This is the only real chance we get to know her from her point of view, so I needed to take advantage of that... Oh, and her parents live in a different state and since she died hours after the accident, they haven't been able to get there. Depressing, I know, but death tends to be that way... I'm going to try and add later tonight, so hopefully I'll have the next part up tomorrow!
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Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 11:37 pm
ok, whew, that was just a prologue, right? But gosh, how sad! I was hoping somehow that Mindy would live. crying Even vain, she seemed a sweet sort of girl. You did a wonderful job on showing the hopelessness of the situation in describing the crash, mindy's emotions, and the slowing of those beeping sounds (*shudder* I hate hospitals!).
I really hope you post more of this, it's really intriguing and I wonder what's going to happen next!
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 1:36 pm
I hate hospitals, too. I can't imagine what dying really feels like, though, so I can't really say. But it's very well-written. I like stories that can just pull me in like that. Can't wait to read thew rest!
Keep writing!
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:28 pm
Sorry it took so long to update, but I've been trying to think of the best way to approach this story... Still don't know if this is the best way, but we'll see soon enough! This chapter turned out a bit more depressing than I hoped it would, but in the next few chapters the story should slowly become less emotional and have a bit more action. I hope you like it!
Chapter 1- Tears will do you no good
Tara knew she wasn't a beauty. Compared with her roommate, Mindy, she didn't stand a chance. Her light brown hair went almost to her waist and was very straight naturally. She found styling pointless and almost never dressed in more than jeans and a tank top or t-shirt unless she happened to wake up in a very good mood. However, being a night person, that was rarely the case. She always seemed to be picking up the phone merely to hear some guy hoping that Mindy would date him, but for some reason Tara didn't mind at all. She knew girls who would kill to be Mindy's roommate just so they could sabotage her life, but Tara felt that Mindy was truly a great person.
Mindy had always dressed up in a very conservative manner, something Tara had always respected her for, and even though Tara had a hard time accepting that Mindy would willingly get up an extra half hour early just to make sure she had time for her make-up, she never felt contempt for her roommate. If anything she felt honored to be rooming with such an intelligent and beautiful young lady. Of course, Tara didn't know Mindy as well as most of the school did, but they had shared secrets no one else knew. For one thing, Mindy's favorite food wasn't ice cream as she always claimed, but broccoli soup. She also always slept with the hall light on because of a fear of the dark she never did outgrow. Tara herself had put herself out there when she revealed a family secret to Mindy which she was almost certain Mindy would laugh off. However, Mindy had been amazed by Tara's revelation and supported her all the times this secret caused turmoil.
However, as the nurse walked towards the near empty waiting room, Tara knew Mindy couldn't help her with this situation.
And for that Tara blamed herself.
The nurse stopped and addressing Tara, asked, "Will you come this way please? The doctor needs to speak with you."
Tara nodded, thankful she hadn't said Mindy was dead. No one deserves to die at such a young age. Especially someone who shouldn't have been hurt. If only I had more control, I could have-
"Miss? Are you coming?"
Tara noticed the nurse already halfway down the hall and blushed in embarrassment. "Yes, of course," She answered in a quiet timid voice. Tara carefully made her way down the hall avoiding carts and trays along the walls. She didn't feel like having to apologize for destroying someone's property in this situation.
The doctor spotted her and looked at the nurse. As if she had received a telepathic message, the nurse grabbed a tray of cotton balls and headed in the opposite direction. Tara leaned against the wall to let her through, then turned to the doctor. "You're Mindy's doctor, right?"
"Yes I am. Are you the only one?"
Tara nodded, almost saddened by the fact that she was the only one here. She knew Mindy's parents lived far from the college campus and that her friends were very unreliable, yet Tara had hoped someone else would come to see her. Tara found herself making excuses for everyone, as if it would make things better. "Her parents are coming, and I couldn't reach anyone else, but the others-"
"When will her parents arrive?"
"Probably tomorrow afternoon."
The doctor nodded. "I see. You're her roommate, correct?"
"Yes, I'm Tara Feyshelle." A pause came before she hesistantly asked, "Will Mindy be okay?"
The doctor looked down at the floor and Tara knew what was coming. Why she hadn't known before she couldn't figure out, but she knew she had messed up bigger than ever before. The doctor shook his head. "We tried everything, but the bleeding wouldn't stop and she just couldn't hold on. I'm sorry."
Tara nodded dumbly before answering, as if scripted, "I see. Thank you for all you did." She then turned and began to walk down the hall. If the doctor had said more she certainly hadn't heard it. She walked almost blindly until she realized she was standing outside their dorm room. No, my dorm room. Her stomach churned and she ran down the hall to the bathroom where she puked up everything she had eaten that day. As she kneeled on the bathroom floor, tears formed in her eyes. It doesn't matter how much I cry, I failed her. I should have known. I should have known. It's not possible. When I handed her that maroon sweater, I should have seen what would happen when she left, but I didn't. Why didn't I see it? All her years of training her future sight now seemed just like the tears escaping her hazel eyes.
Pointless.
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Psychotic Maniacal Sanity
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 1:56 pm
Ooh please write more... I'm... hooked? Really though, there's a perfect amount of detail, not giving more than we need, but enough to build a good picture from. It's very realistic, and I do believe that the character Tara is ever much more so the realist. We all tend to blame ourselves for something, especially when someone dies.
I think it's fab and I can't wait to read more... ^_^ Write on!
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Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 10:39 am
Prologue:
Oh dear, looks like I'm gonna be the first to not say how fantastic this is, yet...
Well, it was nicely written but I didn't feel for the character because the title gaves away what will happen. By that I mean, -'ghost'- for there to be a ghost, someone has to die or has been die for some amount of time, so the process of her dying didn't move me in anyway. But I did like her thoughts and the fact she felt some of her thinking was inappropriate in her incident.
I would suggest reading this aloud because I found some sentence were too long and you used some words over and over which nullifies the story.
And the very last line... how it's written doesn't allow the impact of telling friends that she's dead very dire. It sounds almost as if someone can't really be bother to let the friends and family, that someone is you!
wink
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Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 11:11 am
Chapter one:
Hmmm... not convincing enough for me. The detail in the beginning overshadows the fact she's in the hospital waiting to hear if her friend made it or not. However you decide, but, I feel you should tell us she's already in the hospital so it doesn't seem one minute Tara is at home and then in the hospital.
Not sure the attitude of the staff is as real as it could be. Maybe I'm just a cold-hearted woman, but I pictured the doctor and nurses wouldn't be so sadden by the events because it's something they have to face everyother moment... I liked the fact the reality of it all hadn't hit her from the moment the doctors spoke to her to when she reached home and broke down crying. Altough the vomitting just seems so and too sudden. Maybe you could walk us thought her thoughs and the absolute grief she might feel in her stomach to make her want to vomit...
I hope that makes sense.
whee
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