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 Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 5:20 pm
The Ring
She smiles once
Sadly
And removes a promise
Laying it on a platter of shattered dreams
She holds it out to him
He regards it for a long moment
Then moves his hand forward
All the while
Wanting nothing more
Than for her
To take their promise off the platter
So he could piece both back together
And return both to their proper places
Where they belonged
Where he had wanted to belong
Once, long ago, in another life
A lifetime of hope and love
Far from the blanketed winter
The tortured child
Her heart
He tries to hide a barren tear
Knowing it’s all for her
He takes up the promise
As she drops the platter
And watches it shatter
On the pure sanctity of snow
Then she turns away from him
The one she does this for
And they leave a promise
Forever alone
Forever dying
Floundering somewhere in the tainted ice.
This was just a little something I wrote when thinking about the guy I love. I think it's pretty good, though perhaps a bit dark, like everything else I write. Critiques, anyone?
To Sepik: Yep, I felt that the guild needed a cristening piece - just in time for the new year! I hope it wasn't too crappy.
-Aurah
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 1:53 pm
This was a very good thought... and immagery. But you know me and how much I usually dislike nonrhyming poems... At least yours had a bit of rhythm to it. ^^ But it was interesting to read. Overall, I liked it.
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Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 3:06 am
Thanks! Finally, someone responds! There is life in forums other than the Brainstorming forum! HUZZAH!!!!!
-Aurah
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Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 7:53 am
PyroAurah So he could piece both back together And return both to their proper places Where they belonged Where he had wanted to belong Once, long ago, in another life A lifetime of hope and love Far from the blanketed winter Those lines are absolutely lovely.
I adore the images you created and brought to the reader's mind. The tone was excellent, as well.
I don't have any critiques to make, as the poem was beautiful. However, I do have a question: "the tortured child," is that a symbol of innocent and naive love?
As this is written about a guy you love, I was confused at first; what point of view is the child is coming from?
The speaker, you, seems to know a lot about the colder and darker side of love. And you do know it so well.
I like it a lot.
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Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:34 pm
I'm glad you enjoyed my short, strange piece of poetry. I like the aforementioned lines, too. By the way, you're very perceptive. The "tortured child" reference was meant to reflect an overabundance of innocence and naviete.
Haha. Nice comment about the darker side of love. I suppose, despite my incredibly limited experience (just ask Sepik about this), I have seen a bit of it. Mostly I know of it because people for some odd reason tend to confide in me and ask my advice in matters of emotion. It's a bit odd, because I can be rather cold at times.
Anyhow, I digress. A good portion of the dark tone present in all my works is due to experiencing a lot of pain a few years back, shortly after I moved and when I got to my new school, everyone seemed to shun me as the only new kid in the grade. Plus the fact that the guy I love is admittedly a bit... Odd. He's a lot like me, especially when I was a bit younger. He puts on a cheerful face most of the time in order to make others smile and laugh, but sometimes I can tell that something is really hurting him. I think it might be his parents' divorce, even though it happened a long time ago. I get the clear feeling that he's never quite gotten over it.
Regardless, I'm pretty sure that I'll never tell him that I love him. He's the type that likes to make friends with and hang out with girls, but not get into relationships with them, even though he's not gay. I don't think that he's ever had a girlfriend. If I told him, I'd lose his friendship, because most likely he'd push me away. One of my acquaintences once had a very casual crush on him, but she told me that when he found out from one of her friends, he started avoiding her.
I'm tempted to tell him just because I really, really care about him and think about him all the time, but I just can't. Our "relationship" (friendly) is super serendipitous (by my previous aquaintence's words) and maybe a bit cliche. I can't help comparing it to a cheesy romance novel. Strong, independent girl falls in one-sided love with a mysterious but sweet guy.
Whenever he holds me, my heart starts beating really fast and I get a little shaky. Mentally-wise, I can't help but feel a little weak for letting my emotions have such an effect on me, especially a physical one. Hell, I'm starting to have trouble typing because I'm suddenly shaking just thinking about him this much. I'd better stop.
Sorry about the whole mushy emotion-fest. Please, feel more than free to ignore all that. Thank you very much for reviewing. Bye for now! ^_^
-Aurah
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:57 pm
Wow, that's really excelent imagery. And pretty smart line breaks too.
I'll wait until I've had some sleep to do a proper critique.
On first glance, it's pretty awesome though.
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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:19 pm
you like a guy? Wow. Dont take that the wrong way. ninja stare
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Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 9:12 am
Shut up, Sandwich, before the fox must eat you.
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Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:34 am
.......(this isnt over).... ninja stare
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