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 Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 8:31 pm
Lies in one word, "consent." For now this is just a stub; I plan to be re-expanding this post. I don't feel it's necissary I clarify, but when I first entered the BDSM scene I'll admit to questioning my morals: After all, in all the newspapers I've read the serial rapist or murderer is almost always called "sadistic". I wondered what made me better than these people who abused others; after all, we liked the same things, and even the toys.
However, let me say this: It's in the relationship.
Some quick and dirty warning signs (I'm making these from conjectures, so if anyone wants to correct me that's much appreciated.)
*Fear of Punishment. (Let's say you've displeased your dom. Naturally there's apprehension; in fact, we dommes like that. BUT, The pain a sub feels for their error should be greater in the emotional aspect than out of fear for the corpal punishment. It seems to me [again emphasizing this is just my opinion] that the bodily punishment should be the relief for their inner pain.)
*Safe words ARE NOT honored (A safety word is a word or phrase the sub says to stop a scene. Regardless of what the dom thinks: '(s)he can take more' these words should always be taken seriously. Also, sometimes a flashback can be triggered by a scene of a previous traumatic event.)
*RAPE (I don't think I need to explain this. There's rape fantasies, obviously, but...We should all know the diffrence between dreams and reality, n'est pas?)
If abused, here's some things to do (also common sense). Please don't hesitate because you're emberassed at your lifestyle; its better than being dead.
* National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224
* Leave the relationship, or contact your family/friends.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 2:17 pm
One thing that I really want to find an answer for has to do with if abuse has happened.. Even if the person's only aware of it on a subconscious level, can this make them masochistic, because they somehow feel that they deserve to be hurt?
That's my mom's opinion, and it really bothers me, but it still.. makes me wonder.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 7:02 pm
Messenger_Of_The_Moon One thing that I really want to find an answer for has to do with if abuse has happened.. Even if the person's only aware of it on a subconscious level, can this make them masochistic, because they somehow feel that they deserve to be hurt?
That's my mom's opinion, and it really bothers me, but it still.. makes me wonder. That's a hard one to answer, but I do know a few people who are Masochists because they believe they need to be punished.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 8:31 pm
suroha Messenger_Of_The_Moon One thing that I really want to find an answer for has to do with if abuse has happened.. Even if the person's only aware of it on a subconscious level, can this make them masochistic, because they somehow feel that they deserve to be hurt?
That's my mom's opinion, and it really bothers me, but it still.. makes me wonder. That's a hard one to answer, but I do know a few people who are Masochists because they believe they need to be punished. That just about goes along with my mom basically saying BDSM is bad, though, and linking it with crime and such. Grr.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 8:40 pm
Messenger_Of_The_Moon suroha Messenger_Of_The_Moon One thing that I really want to find an answer for has to do with if abuse has happened.. Even if the person's only aware of it on a subconscious level, can this make them masochistic, because they somehow feel that they deserve to be hurt?
That's my mom's opinion, and it really bothers me, but it still.. makes me wonder. That's a hard one to answer, but I do know a few people who are Masochists because they believe they need to be punished. That just about goes along with my mom basically saying BDSM is bad, though, and linking it with crime and such. Grr. Just because some people think that way doesn't mean your Mother is right.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 9:08 pm
Messenger_Of_The_Moon One thing that I really want to find an answer for has to do with if abuse has happened.. Even if the person's only aware of it on a subconscious level, can this make them masochistic, because they somehow feel that they deserve to be hurt?
That's my mom's opinion, and it really bothers me, but it still.. makes me wonder. Yeah...I'll have to agree this is a tough question. I don't think people become masochistic out of guilt, or rather, not entirely. (There's plenty of people who feel they deserve to be hurt but become masochistic in brutally critisizing themselves) After all, as laharl said, some enjoy the pain as a sort of clensing ritual, but...in the world of BDSM this sort of thing should be consentual. If the sub felt guilty of something but was punished out of line or without meaning for something that had little relevance to the reason why they were punished, then that's abuse. Still, I think this is a good question: Let's try to get more opinions.
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 10:23 pm
 [[If I were the rain... that binds together the earth and the sky...who in all eternity will never mingle...]]
They wouldn;t really become masochistic, because they just feel they should be punished. Just because they feel that they want to be punished doesn;t mean tha they are enjoying the pain. The point of a punishment for a person who ISN'T masochistic to begin with is that it should hurt either mentaly or physically in a way.
Your mom's opinion is just that, an opinion. She is neither right or wrong. To herself she is right but to you she is wrong. So each his'her own.
[[...would i be able to bind the hearts of people together.]]
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Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:16 am
Wow. Okies.
Sorry, I just can't really think of anything to say in response to that. Lol.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 7:52 pm
well...I may be out of line with this and some of you may view me a'ready as a masocist. but I kind of like being punished for no reason. It reminds me that my mistress is in control of me at all times. :shrugs: I guess though that perhaps we're having a different definition of punishment, as what I have in mind all leads to the sexual part of the enslavement...I dunno just thought I'd post about it...
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 6:18 am
I'd just like to throw this in... as my first official post here. As the first rule of being a Dom/Master/Sadist/Top or whatever you want to be titled as.
Rule One Section One
THOU SHALL NOT STRIKE IN ANGER
Rule One Section Two
EVER!
No matter how bad your sub has been, or how bratty he or she is, if they make you angry do NOT use BDSM to vent your anger. Even if they want you to, DON'T! Take yourself out of the situation, IMMEDIATLY, leave the house for half an hour, or have your sub leave, depending on who has ownership of the premisis. Go sit down, pour yourself a beverage, have some ice cream, something comforting. When you're nice and calm go to your sub, and discuss this. If you cannot negotiate through this. Then maybe you two just weren't made for each other.
Yeah, that's rule one. I think we can all agree on this.
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 10:08 pm
Trust and consent are thtwo main diffrences between Abuse and BDSM. At least for me.
I know many abuse victims feel as though they consented... but that's why i bring in the trust issue. Good Doms and Subs can trust each other.
Having been abused... I have thought on this quite a bit.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:05 pm
Eclipse-Black Trust and consent are thtwo main diffrences between Abuse and BDSM. At least for me. I know many abuse victims feel as though they consented... but that's why i bring in the trust issue. Good Doms and Subs can trust each other. Having been abused... I have thought on this quite a bit.
That's a very good thought, Eclipse. I'm sorry you've been abused in the past, although I'm really only offering you empathy, not sympathy. I hate sympathy.
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Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 3:18 pm
Alot of subs love the abuse though, even if it is very xcore. lol they love it..
But some don't.
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Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:39 am
youll-never-know-my-name Alot of subs love the abuse though, even if it is very xcore. lol they love it.. But some don't. *Abuse*, by definition, is bad. It destroys self-esteem, while healthy BDSM builds it up. If you have intentions of being a Dom, then you need to understand something really important - just because she claims to WANT something, it doesn't mean that it's healthy or good for her. I once had a conversation with a girl who wanted to be my slave. Her entire mantra was "Rape me, beat me, put me in a cage." When I asked what she wanted when she wasn't in the cage, she said, "Rape me, beat me." And when she wasn't being raped and beaten? Back in the cage. She wanted that, she really, really did. All I could think was, this poor girl needs serious therapy with a very good psychologist. We will sometimes use words jokingly in the scene. Master will tease me that he's going to take me home and rape me. (Can't rape the willing) Or he'll say that he's going to abuse me terribly (suuuuure ... he's more careful about my body than I am). But understand that BDSM should not ever be abusive. A sub who is so damaged that she really wants truly abusive behavior needs therapy so that she can learn to enjoy herself, her body, and healthy BDSM activities. fioce
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Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 2:59 pm
Thanks for the opinions and notes; I myself am looking back at what I wrote with some amusement, but still I won't change it, since I meant what I said. LordNeuf, absolutly correct. Real life problems shouldn't be solved with BDSM, which besides making the acts bitter, also ignores the reason they came up.
Thanks to the one who pointed out trust, as well; that's the other key aspect.
Merci beaucoup to all, and remember everyone; I'm not qualified to do more here than just theorize based on my own ideals and experiences.
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