|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:59 pm
Another little something I did when I was bored...
I seem to write mostly poetry about nature and life sweatdrop
When
The rose will bring its soft, sweet scent,
The earth will give us stunning flowers.
The sea will shower us with life,
The sky will take away the hours.
Our time here on this wondrous land
Is all but spent on little things.
But little things matter the most,
The sky, the earth, a rose, the sea.
We shun these things and pay no mind,
We care only of bigger things,
When all we learned is lost and gone,
Life won’t be gone; we’ll have the trees.
And roses, seas, the skies and earth
Will all be here once knowledge falls
We’ll finally see what’s true in life
And greet them all with open arms.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 1:39 pm
The rose will bring its soft, sweet scent,
I think it would be cool right here if you made it into 'soft-sweet', but that's just because I like to make up words. ^^
The earth will give us stunning flowers.
The sea will shower us with life,
The sky will take away the hours.
Did you mean to make that rhyme...? Because you don't have any more rhyming after this point. For the sake of rhyme scheme, or your lack of it, you should make this not rhyme. It always bugs me if there is just one rhyme and nothing else does.
We care only of bigger things,
I don't really like this line. I mean, I like what it's saying, but I don't like the way it sounds or fits into the poem.
Life won’t be gone; we’ll have the trees.
I love this line. Period. biggrin
Will all be here once knowledge falls
My only thought for this line is that it could be changed to 'when our knowledge fails', but that might change the meaning of it.
And greet them all with open arms.
Do you mean greet nature...?
I liked it. Good immagery. I loved the way you used different parts of nature the way you did. Over all, good poem.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 3:29 pm
Sepik The rose will bring its soft, sweet scent,
I think it would be cool right here if you made it into 'soft-sweet', but that's just because I like to make up words. ^^
The earth will give us stunning flowers.
The sea will shower us with life,
The sky will take away the hours.
Did you mean to make that rhyme...? Because you don't have any more rhyming after this point. For the sake of rhyme scheme, or your lack of it, you should make this not rhyme. It always bugs me if there is just one rhyme and nothing else does.
We care only of bigger things,
I don't really like this line. I mean, I like what it's saying, but I don't like the way it sounds or fits into the poem.
Life won’t be gone; we’ll have the trees.
I love this line. Period. biggrin
Will all be here once knowledge falls
My only thought for this line is that it could be changed to 'when our knowledge fails', but that might change the meaning of it.
And greet them all with open arms.
Do you mean greet nature...?
I liked it. Good immagery. I loved the way you used different parts of nature the way you did. Over all, good poem. Thanks again for the crit. For the open arms line, I did mean nature, understanding, and simplicity. For the caring line, That bugs me too and I was gonna fix that soon ^_^; For the Rhyming thing, if you look at my stars poem, my response to what you said, that explains what's going on there XD I'll work on this too and see what I can do.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:40 pm
The sky, the earth, a rose, the sea.
We shun these things and pay no mind,
We care only of bigger things,
When all we learned is lost and gone,
Life won’t be gone; we’ll have the trees.
I love those lines. I seriously do. heart
"Sea" and "trees" rhyme somewhat. Why not change "We care only of bigger things" to "Bigger things are all we see"?
^__^ I think "When" and "Stars" fit together just perfectly. Like they should be opposite pages in a book, or something.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:50 am
hey, this poem is really well done, you have a good steady iambic tetrameter going, although at the begining its hard to find. i think the reason people are having trouble with the line "we care only of bigger things" is that you have a few lines of perfect iambic right before it, and then you throw in that Trochee in the second food which trips up the tongue and slows them down a little. i think it works with the message of that line.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![]Impetigo['s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/fa/49/36e63f892149fa_flip.png?t=1318829512_6.00_00)
