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 Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 6:24 pm
Well, this took me about an hour and a half. And I crossed out five other stanzas in the process. Tell me what you think. Honest opinion and all, even if it's cruel. biggrin
Hush, because you don't want them to hear you.
At least, I think that's what you want. Right?
Because if they just so happened to notice where you're hiding,
You might have to choose whether to live or to fight.
But you've been here before, haven't you?
At a crossroads you try so hard to avoid.
Yes or no. Maybe so. Do you remember?
All those confrontations that left you as a void?
Do you remember those times you forgot?
To hush. To not make a sound. To be quiet.
Don't you recognize the memories of your own fear?
The confidence that left you before you could try it?
I'm sure you know all the whens that I'm talking about.
All those times they took more than you could give.
And gave more of you than even you owned.
Too much for just one person to forgive.
But you did just that, didn't you?
Just like every other time, you forgave.
It's a quality that's left you standing where you are right now.
Metaphorically facing your own grave.
So either be quiet and continue to hide,
Or jump up and down and scream and shout.
You could even just be caught again...
But by them or your own self doubt?
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Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:05 pm
Wow, that's pretty!
I can't really think of any critique, but if I think of some,
I'll be sure to tell you XD
I like it a lot.
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Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 4:21 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:49 pm
Sepik
Hush, because you don't want them to hear you.
At least, I think that's what you want. Right?
Because if they just so happened to notice where you're hiding,
You might have to choose whether to live or to fight.
But you've been here before, haven't you?
At a crossroads you try so hard to avoid.
Yes or no. Maybe so. Do you remember?
All those confrontations that left you as a void?
Do you remember those times you forgot?
To hush. To not make a sound. To be quiet.
Don't you recognize the memories of your own fear?
The confidence that left you before you could try it?
I'm sure you know all the whens that I'm talking about.
All those times they took more than you could give.
And gave more of you than even you owned.
Too much for just one person to forgive.
But you did just that, didn't you?
Just like every other time, you forgave.
It's a quality that's left you standing where you are right now.
Metaphorically facing your own grave.
So either be quiet and continue to hide,
Or jump up and down and scream and shout.
You could even just be caught again...
But by them or your own self doubt?Overall, I think this is pretty good, and the major flaws are in the rhythm and rhyme. The first stanza totally loses me as far as rhythm. I think you should read through the entire poem, and then rewrite the first stanza at the end before putting it at the beginning again. That will probably fix your rhythm trouble. The rhymes in the second and third stanzas seem forced. There are some issues with line length and wordiness. Over-structuring your sentences often loses the meaning. Example: "Just like every time, you forgave./It's a quality that's left you standing where you are right now." What's a quality? Why would we need to know that it's a quality? If it weren't a quality, what would it be? Why " where you are right now"? Why not just "where you are now"? Or even just "here"? Together, these two complex stuctures make it lose it's rhythm and meaning. I would rewrite this line to read "Just like every time, you forgave./ It left you standing right where you are now." Now that I think of it, that might be your rhythm problem in the first stanza as well. I really love your rhythm, once you catch it. The rhythm gives me a sense of hiding, but the word choice doesn't reflect it as much. I'd like more choice pieces, like "I'm sure you know all the whens I'm talking about." (Notice that I deleted the "that." See above about wordiness.) And the singsongy-ness of some of your lines is awesome, like "Or jump up and down and scream and shout" and "Just like every other time, you forgave." I'd like to see that carried over more in the other lines. I feel like in some lines, particularly ones that you're trying to rhyme, it loses that awesome pacing you have going. Is that specific enough, or do you need more examples of things?
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:59 pm
Oh. You also wanted a title. Since I love that one bit of rhythm, I recommend a title that follows it.
Two syllables, one syllable, three syllables
Example:
Rocking through the Window
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Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:49 pm
Very wordy, but also extremely interesting. It makes you think that someone could be speaking to you...like your conscience.
I think an effective title for this would be "Hush". Only a suggestion, but you might consider it.
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Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:48 am
I like this a lot. It seems to emphasize the evils of surrendering the self to the good of all, bringing communism to mind. This poem seems to go along with several of the ideals of Objectivism, whose principles I almost completely agree with.
To cut to the chase, these are my main issues:Quote: Hush, because you don't want them to hear you.
At least, I think that's what you want. Right?
Because if they just so happened to notice where you're hiding,
You might have to choose whether to live or to fight. Quote: But you've been here before, haven't you?
At a crossroads you try so hard to avoid.
Yes or no. Maybe so. Do you remember?
All those confrontations that left you as a void?
Line 4: "As a void" is a tad wordy. Try cutting out the "as" to make it more concise.Quote: Do you remember those times you forgot?
To hush. To not make a sound. To be quiet.
Don't you recognize the memories of your own fear?
The confidence that left you before you could try it? Quote: I'm sure you know all the whens that I'm talking about.
All those times they took more than you could give.
And gave more of you than even you owned.
Too much for just one person to forgive. Quote: But you did just that, didn't you?
Just like every other time, you forgave.
It's a quality that's left you standing where you are right now.
Metaphorically facing your own grave.
Line 3: "It's a quality that's left you standing here now"
Line 4: "Where you're metaphorically facing your own grave"Quote: So either be quiet and continue to hide,
Or jump up and down and scream and shout.
You could even just be caught again...
But by them or your own self doubt?
Overall, this is a wonderful poem with an excellent message, it just needs some rhythm corrections. Well done.
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