i had the strangest dream where everything was exactly how it seemed
This time I'd like to talk about a close friend, who for the sake of her feelings shall remain nameless, ya see I have this friend who totally adores and respects me. It's not that I don't respect her feeling cause I really do, it's just I'm afraid to love her and I hate myself for loving her like I do; or rather I hate myself for not loving her like she deserves.
First of all; I'm afraid to love her because looking at my history it always ends badly and I don't want her to hurt more than she already has. And it's like for me to survive in a relationship it has to be dysfuntinal
Secondly, it feels like I love her for my own selfish reasons. Not for anything physical, but because I know she a safe bet. I know not matter what I do, or who I become she'll let me come back. Not only but she'll welcome me with open arms, and sometime knowing that makes me feel selfish 'cause I know I'll never be alone if I don't want to. She deserves more than some cookie-cutter a*****e of a boyfriend.
Honestly when I'm with her I feel so happy and alive, and like it's ok to be happy and alive, but when we're apart it feels like I'm just using her to feel that way. I wrote a poem about her where I threaten to kill myself if she ever leave so I have feel alone.
