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Dark Helmet: [N]ow you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

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Dark Helmet: What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
Col. Sandurz: Now! You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now is happening "now."
Dark Helmet: What happened to "then?"
Col. Sandurz: We passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Col. Sandurz: Just now. We're at now "now."
Dark Helmet: Go back to "then."
Col. Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Col. Sandurz: Now?!
Dark Helmet: Now!
Col. Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Col. Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Col. Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will "then" be "now?"
Col. Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Spaceball: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?
Spaceball: We've identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?
Spaceball: It's the moon of Vega.
Col. Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?
Spaceball: Nineteen-hundred hours.
Col. Sandurz: Buy high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who?!
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Lone Star: [W]ill we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money.
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Yogurt: Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the coloring book, Spaceballs: the lunch box, Spaceballs: the breakfast cereal, Spaceballs: the flamethrower--the kids love this one--last but not least, Spaceballs: the doll.
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Col. Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Col. Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to . . . ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
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Dark Helmet: Let's get moving.
Col. Sandurz: Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
Dark Helmet: What are you preparing?! You're always preparing! Just go!
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King Roland: The combination is: one . . .
Dark Helmet: One.
Col. Sandurz: One.
King Roland: Two . . .
Dark Helmet: Two.
Col. Sandurz: Two.
King Roland: Three . . .
Dark Helmet: Three.
Col. Sandurz: Three.
King Roland: Four . . .
Dark Helmet: Four.
Col. Sandurz: Four.
King Roland: Five . . .
Dark Helmet: Five.
Col. Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So, the combination is: one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
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Spaceball Officer: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
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Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe as the . . .
Barf: The force?!
Yogurt: No, da Schwartz!
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Yogurt: Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt!

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President Skroob: I'll be down immediately.
Cmdr. Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Cmdr. Zircon: Oh, yes. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: Alright, I'll take a shot at it. What the Hell, it works on Star Trek.
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Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Maj. a*****e: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Col. Sandurz: He's an a*****e, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Col. Sandurz: That is his name, sir. a*****e, Major a*****e.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Col. Sandurz: He's an a*****e too, sir. Gunner's Mate, First Class, Philip a*****e.
Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, any how?
Everyone: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes!
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Princess Vespa: Yogurt, the wise.
Dot Matrix: Yogurt, the all-powerful.
Barf: Yogurt, the magnificent.
Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.
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Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Star: What does that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become.
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Col. Sandurz: It's Megamaid. She's gone from suck to blow.

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Dark Helmet: Ludicrous speed . . . go!

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Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded b***h!

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Lone Star: Dim the lights.
Barf: Dimming the lights.
Lone Star: Go to infrared.
Barf: Going to infrared.
Lone Star: Pray to God.
Barf: Praying to God.
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Barf: t's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we got this thing about death, it's not us.
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Lone Star: I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
Princess Vespa: A monastery? Where?
Lone Star: Somewhere in the Ford galaxy.
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Lone Star: Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive!
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Dark Helmet: [C]ommence operation: Vacusuck.

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Barf: Any minute now the Spaceballs are gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way and make us all dead!
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Lone Star: We're not just doing this for money . . . we're doing it for a sh**load-a-money!
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Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.
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Col. Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Col. Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Col. Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?!
Col. Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
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Dark Helmet: How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: The Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Col. Sandurz: That's true, sir. But, there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Col. Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
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Lone Star: Well, what have we got here. Will you look at her. Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.
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Princess Vespa: What are you?
Barf: I'm a Mawg: half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
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Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!
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Dark Helmet: I'll call Spaceball city and notify President Skroob immediately.
Sgt. Reecho: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What?! You went over my helmet?!
Sgt. Reecho: Well, not exactly over, sir. M-more, more to the side.
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Lone Star: At last we meet, for the first time, for the last time.
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Yogurt: [M]ay the Schwartz be with you!
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Lone Star: On this ship you are to refer to me as "idiot" not "you captain!" I mean . . . you know what I mean.
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Princess Vespa: Hey, I don't have to put up with this--I'm rich!
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Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, king of the druids!
Lone Star: Oh, that's all we needed, a druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look druish.
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Pizza the Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star and his sidekick, Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.
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Princess Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf.
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
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Barf: It's not just a spaceship, it's a Transformer!
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Lone Star: Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life!
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Barf: Nice dissolve.


CAST
President Skroob / Yogurt (Mel Brooks)
Lone Star (Bill Pullman)
Barf (John Candy)
Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis)
Col. Sandurz (George Wyner)
King Roland (d**k Van Patten)
Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga)
Dot Matrix (Joan Rivers)
Pizza the Hutt (Dom DeLuise)
Cmdr. Zircon (Leslie Bevis)
Maj. a*****e (Jim Jackman)

nice man

eek

yum...
pizza domokun

Lonestar--- So Dark Helmet, we finally meet for the first time for the last time.

not sure if its perfect but its close

Dot: Not in here mister, this is a Mercadese!

Lonestar: On this ship you are to refer to me as idiot, not you captain

Vinne: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.