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Temporal Pulse

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duello
Crew

PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 11:55 am


Temporal pulse

Flames ignite around the edges of life
Paper curls as plastic melts and swirls ink
Black smoke rises as you go on smiling
Choking on that rolled up piece of paper.

All we possess is here in this moment
Yet we cast it away in favor of
The next which is neither present nor sure
Yet in our love to gamble we want more

Sand dribbles from my fingers in slow arc
The geometric patterns form below
Transitory moments like birth and death
Mimic the fleshy gate from death to life.

One day to live, that is all we have
One hour, one moment to exist
To find ourselves amid the swirling lights
Stem the flow to resist the endless night

Darkness descends as I stand in the light
In such shadows worlds may wither from cold
Yet likewise I may shelter from the wind
Protecting the more fragile forms of life.

There is no tomorrow, no yesterday
No later exists, and before is gone
Scream your existence to passive mountains
The rising dawn reflects in clear fountains.
PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 8:49 pm


Flames ignite around the edges of life
Paper curls as plastic melts and swirls ink
Black smoke rises as you go on smiling
Choking on that rolled up piece of paper.


I love this opening stanza so much. Seriously. Great imagery, and slightly creepy to read. LOVE it.

All we possess is here in this moment
Yet we cast it away in favor of


I don't like how you stopped it mid sentence. That really bugs me.

The next which is neither present nor sure
Yet in our love to gamble we want more


'Yet in our love which we gamble... we want more'. The way you write it just sounds a little off... Read it as if it was a sentence and you'll see it doesn't make much sense.

Sand dribbles from my fingers in slow arc


Should that be 'in a slow arc'?

The geometric patterns form below
Transitory moments like birth and death
Mimic the fleshy gate from death to life.


I love these lines. biggrin Maybe it could be 'gates' instead of 'gate'?

One day to live, that is all we have
One hour, one moment to exist


Only thing that bugs me about this bit is you go from day, to hour, to moment. I would like to see minute... Maybe something like 'One hour, one minute, a moment to exist'. I dunno. Still, the lines works either way that you do it.

To find ourselves amid the swirling lights
Stem the flow to resist the endless night


The last lines sounds a bit off. I don't think it makes much sense... Maybe 'Which stem the flow...'

Darkness descends as I stand in the light
In such shadows worlds may wither from cold
Yet likewise I may shelter from the wind

'...shelter someone from the wind'?

Protecting the more fragile forms of life.

There is no tomorrow, no yesterday
No later exists, and before is gone


I love those two lines so much, too.

Scream your existence to passive mountains
The rising dawn reflects in clear fountains.

Eh, the fact that the two last lines rhyme bugs me. Either don't have it rhyme at all, or make it all stick to some kind of pattern. The last two lines kind of throw me off because it doesn't consistently rhyme, and they also don't flow well together at all.

Overall, I liked it. biggrin I liked it a lot.

Sepik
Crew

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