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Singing

like miles of fire
these tears burn my face
another broken heart
left a vacant space

limply lift myself
lost to painful memories
singing my pain out
singing for centuries

words float out
ache escapes my mouth
singing a song of sorrow
singing the scars out

pushing away
empty promises and pain
singing my life
to be mine again

< I dunno where this poem came from... but i guess I was feeling very lost and controled... it's kinda dark i guess but all of my stuff is >

Questions

can you see me?
I'm reaching for you.
do you notice me?
with the knife in my hands
and the blood on my wrists
and the tears in my eyes?

can you hear me?
i am screaming out for you.
do you hear my voice?
with it's muffled sobs
and silent pleas
and broken dreams?

my questions are
directed to a person
who doesnt even care
what happens to me.
A heartless person.
You...

< this poem... i dunno if I've posted it already and if I did, i'm sorry... but I really like this one... it encompasses all those feelings that teenagers feel... the frustration and silence and just anger... it's a complicated poem but I like it... >

- <3 rose <3 -

The first poem is miles better than the second. The second gives an image of an angsty person over and over again without cause. The first has some redeemable lines mixed in with overused metaphors and symbols.

Singing

like miles of fire --good line. Good OPENER.
these tears burn my face --you can think of a better word than "burn." We all know that fire burns.
another broken heart
left a vacant space -- wordy. "vacancy" does just as well and sounds better.

limply lift myself -- sounds better with an "I" when read aloud.
lost to painful memories --CLICHE ALERT
singing my pain out -- two uses of pain in a stanza- repetition where no repitition is called for (you're not drawing attention to "pain" because pain isn't a metaphor for something else. Not good.
singing for centuries --ok.

words float out -- I knew I was reading for a reason.
ache escapes my mouth --good, you have another word for pain now. Good imagery too.
singing a song of sorrow -- what do you sing if not a song? Think of another word.
singing the scars out -- over-extended metaphor, no merit in this line.

pushing away
empty promises and pain --TOO MUCH "PAIN" (the word, not the feeling).
singing my life --good return to the singing leitmotif.
to be mine again --WTF? Cut this line. What does this do as a literary function?



You can definitely stand to lose some lines, change some words, and put in another motif/theme for the reader to look for- don't want to be too straightforward, you risk being "just another emo." Good work though. Edit, edit!

not from a girls perspective, but i ca relate to these poems personally. I like them both a lot. The first one is the one i think most people are going to like because of the style. Although I think I peronally liked the second one a lot more just because I can totally relate to it. Peace

The first one, as previously stated, was rather awesome.

The second, seemed quite sporatice, and frantic. I like it, but try decaf next time? I feel that you were a bit careless with your wording.