|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 11:59 am
this is a story I wrote in school.
Adele Adele woke up to the sound of a particularly loud wave crashing against the rocks. she sat up, happy to start a new day of painting. Jazz, her cat jumped up and purred at her feet. Adele started to get dressed. Today a floral print shirt and her black capris. Finally her favorite shoes. Sandals really. They had white straps and were well worn to the shape of Adele's feet. As Adele walked to her studio, she grabbed a bagel from the kitchen. As she held her breakfast in her clenched teeth, she grabbed her watercolors and her sketch pad. She rarely got the right shot, but today felt lucky to her. As Adele opened the door jazz streamed out on to the rocks. Scanning the beach, Adele saw it. The perfect scene. A small cove with a seal just beyond. She started painting immediately. She used the water in the ocean to wet her brush. Paining was one of the only joys in her life. Her mother had died when she was 10. Her father was never well after that. He tried his best though. Also, her brother was an ex-con. He was caught shoplifting some pills. Adele, now 35,was a very kind spirited woman and she felt that it was her job to take care of her family. In this way, her life had become very stressed. After she moved away, Adele hadn't had much contact with her family.
As Adele was painting she noticed that the seal never got up. It didn't move. it was laying there. Adele could hear it's heavy breathing from where she was. she rushed over. Right away, Adele could see that the seal had a huge wound. Adele started to worry. What could she do? Adele ran to her shack, her sandals smacking hard on the rock. When she got inside she rumaged franticly around the kition, looking for something, anything. After what seemed like ages, Adele produced a few cans of tuna and a first aid kit. She rushed out to finds seagulls mobbing the seal.
"GET BACK," she cried, eyes shining" GET AWAY FROM HIM!" The seagulls flew away, but not far. They watched her and the seal with their dark, beady eyes.
Adele started to open the tuna, watching the seal's face. So sweet, so beautiful. In it's eyes she saw a look of longing. Adele put the tuna by the seal and began to work on the wound, all the while she was talking to it. it'll be Ok, it'll be OK, Adele thought to herself. Everything in the first aid kit was to small. Not enough antiseptic, Too little bandages. She ran inside the house. Shopping at big-mart had payed off. She had a jumbo tube of antiseptic and brought an old blanket to wrap up the wound. When she went outside, the seagulls had come back, but Jazz was there, fighting them off. thank you, Jazz Adele thought. As Adele started to put on the antiseptic, the seal barked out. "I know it stings, and I'm sorry" Adele said "but it'll make you better. You're going to be Ok." Having finally secured the wound, she took out her cell phone and called the local vet. The moments Adele waited seemed like forever. In a feeble attempt, Adele started to paint the seal. She used all the colors. This had to be a great painting. She had to Finnish it. The seal couldn't die, he had to stay alive to see the painting....
Adele woke up on the beach. The vet was looking over her. "Are you alright?" she asked. Adele sat up and looked over at the seal. "You fixed him up pretty well," said the vet. "Thank you for calling, but I'm not sure that he will make it." "NO!" said Adele "He has to make it. It's just a wound! Can't you do anything?" "I'll try, but.." started the vet "Thankyou! Please try your best! I'll pay for it, just let him live!" Adele was almost shereeking now. "I think you should get some rest" said the vet "You're obviously under a lot of stress." "But I need to stay with him!" Adele insisted. "Ok," relented the vet. Adele sat, stroking the seal and talking to him. The seal looked up at her. Adele could see that he thanked her. She could see it in his eyes. The vet said, "I'll need to take him overnight. it's getting dark, you should probably go to bed." "Wait!" said Adele, "I need to do something first." She showed her painting to the seal. "See." she said, "it's you. I hope I got your good side" The seal closed his eyes and nodded. "Thank you." said Adele.
Adele could barley get to sleep. Twice she thought about going to the vet's to see him. Adele lay awake as the sun creped through the windows. Adele was worried. To get her mind off the seal, she went to her studio and tried to draw. Every time she tried, the seal sprung out of her pencil. Adele forced her self to do something else, to get her mind off the seal. she walked into town to the orphanage. On weekends, Adele would volunteer there to help the kids. She knew how they felt. As Adele entered, the person at the main desk welcomed her. "Hello Adele! glad to see you. The kids have been waiting for you. My, you look a fright! are you Ok?" "I'm fine," Adele replied, and then proceeded on to the living room. As soon as she entered, all of the kids mobbed her. Adele couldn't help but smile. Their such troopers Adele thought. "'Della," said one of the kids, "could you read us a story?" " yeah, please 'Della..." chorused the kids. "Ok," Adele said. "read us this one" said a girl, holding up a copy of Sammy Seal. Adele put on a smile. "Sure" she wavered, blinking back tears. As she started to read, Adele broke down. she started to cry. Not just sniffling, but full out sobbing. "You'll be Ok Sammy" she cried. "'Della, are you Ok?" asked the kids. "I have to go" Adele said. She rushed out, tears trailing behind her. She ran to the vet's office. It wasn't open. She pounded the door, rattling the bells on the other side. The vet came to the window. "Adele?" the vet said, "You look terrible! come in, come in." "Where is he?" asked Adele. "I'm afraid that he didn't make it." said the vet. Adele let out a long wail and fell in to the vet's shoulder. As she stood there, the vet patting her back, Adele began to think. I will never forget that seal. He's gone, but all the things he did are in my mind forever. So he's never gone with me. And I did a good job of taking care of him. I feel sure that I made him a happy seal before he died. He will always be in my heart.
Adele stood up, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Thank you for taking care of him" she said to the vet. The vet was speechless, and looked on as Adele walked out of the office. She walked all the way home. Jazz greeted her, rubbing against Adele's ankles. Adele went inside and started to make lunch.
A few days later Adele's dad received a letter in the mail. He called his son over, and they smiled. The letter is as follows: dear dad and Carl, I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, i just needed to come to my senses.It just took me a while to realize how much I loved and needed you guys. If it's Ok, could I come stay for the weekend? love -Adele
copyright dark seal 2004
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 2:26 pm
First things first: Please, double space your paragraphs. It makes reading the stories so much easier.
Also, make sure you end paragraphs when you need too. Now, because the paragraphs are not double spaced, its very hard to tell, but it appears that there is one huge paragraph in there that needs to be broken down into several different paragraphs.
And one last thing...kition should be spelled "kitchen."
Ok, that handles the mechanics...now for the story itself! 3nodding
This is a really neat story. When first reading it, I would almost say that her reaction to the seals death is way overplayed, but then, I know people who are like that sweatdrop . Of course, whats important here is what she learns in the end, right? The story does a decent job of driving that in.
Go back and make corrections based on what I mentioned above (and what anyone else might point out, if appropriate) and you've got a good story. Good job! 3nodding
PS: This is something I am going to tell all our really young writers...PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR ENGLISH CLASSES. Now is the best time to learn this stuff. The basics are incredibly important to writing, and if you wait until you in college to start getting serious about grammar, it'll bite you in the tail. 3nodding
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|