Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hi! This thread is for jokes, riddles or funny stories. Please stay within the TOS!

Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday: a tombstone on which he'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja......Cold as Usual."

Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him when, for his birthday, his former spouse presented him with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....Stiff at last."

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

This guy goes to a bar with his fellow workers and gets too drunk. The guy throws up all over himself and says, " Oh man, you guys have to help me out. My wife will kill me if she finds out". One of his fellow workers asks him if he has a 20 dollar bill. He says yes and hands him the 20. The man puts it in his pocket and says ,"Tell your wife that a guy came out of the bar and threw up all over you. Because he felt so bad he gave you 20 dollars to cover the dry cleaning bill. So he goes home and does exactly what the guy tells him to and his wife replies," but there is 40 dollars in your shirt pocket". The man replies," oh yah, he cr$#ped my pants too!"

ok i have one but it is a bit lengthy

two of englands best theifs were planing a highst andhad every thing ready to go

the night of the highest the two men had broken into the safe with ease and when they opened up the first deposit box all they found was a small boul of warm puding so they figered since they hadent ate that they would eat the puding and when they went to the next box they had found yet another bowl of puding

well they had contiued this untill they had went through all of the boxes and had eaten all of the puding so the theifs left the bank with empty pockets but a satis fingly full stomach.........the next day the headline of the morrnigy news papper read englands lagest sperm bank robbed

What was Tarzan's last words?
Who greased the vine!?!

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Centainly," said the the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

What can run but never walks,
has a mouth but never talks,
has a head but never weeps,
and has a bed but never sleeps?


ninja highlight over the answer: A river