Tombstone Tales | Page 1 | Poetry | Guild Forums

]Impetigo[

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Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:30 pm

Tombstone Tales

Take me to the graveyard
Lay me on the mound
Find a perfect place for me
To lie upon the ground

Take me to the graveyard
Down next to the bone
And maybe you’ll convince me
That I am not alone

Take me to the graveyard
I love looking at the stones
You know that underneath them
Lie the skulls and bones

Take me to the graveyard
For, though I am not dead
It reminds me our immortality
Could at any moment end

Take me to the graveyard
That is where I’ll live
Take me to the graveyard
That is all you have to give.

---

Yea, kind of morbid for my first poem on here...but I like it nonetheless. ^__^

Edit: Fixed typo in first stanza. I had two mounds, when I meant to have a ground. sweatdrop

Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:01 am

This is a wonderful work! Your flow is superb in both its rhythm and consistency, and carries the reader smoothly from one line to the next.

Your message that people should simply live their lives while they have them rather than waste their time worrying about death fits in extremely well with the "gravestone" theme. They set the mood of the poem without being blatantly obvious or grotesquely hidden.

I only have two problems, and they're right here:

Quote:

Take me to the graveyard
I love looking at the stones
You know that underneath them
Lie the skulls and bones

You had a bit of issues with the last line. It needs to be a bit longer to keep up the otherwise-flawless flow. Perhaps it could be "Lie the skulls and the bones"? The underlining of the word "You", while I understand what you were trying to say, is also largely unneccesary, and tends to hang the reader up as they try to figure out why it's there. If you positively feel the need to emphasize it, perhaps italics would do a better job here.

Overall, you did an excellent job on this lovely poem. Thank you for making it such a joy to read!

-Aurah

PyroAurah
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]Impetigo[

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Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 1:58 pm

PyroAurah

This is a wonderful work! Your flow is superb in both its rhythm and consistency, and carries the reader smoothly from one line to the next.

Your message that people should simply live their lives while they have them rather than waste their time worrying about death fits in extremely well with the "gravestone" theme. They set the mood of the poem without being blatantly obvious or grotesquely hidden.

I only have two problems, and they're right here:

Quote:

Take me to the graveyard
I love looking at the stones
You know that underneath them
Lie the skulls and bones

You had a bit of issues with the last line. It needs to be a bit longer to keep up the otherwise-flawless flow. Perhaps it could be "Lie the skulls and the bones"? The underlining of the word "You", while I understand what you were trying to say, is also largely unneccesary, and tends to hang the reader up as they try to figure out why it's there. If you positively feel the need to emphasize it, perhaps italics would do a better job here.

Overall, you did an excellent job on this lovely poem. Thank you for making it such a joy to read!

-Aurah

And thank you for reviewing!

I've really been struggling with flow lately, as I used to be into freeverse, which is more fragmented. My friend (Ablepsy on here) has really laid into me about it, so I try to diligently follow her example. However, I'm unsure if your correction is necessary. I keep re-reading that stanza out loud, and inserting your extra syllable in there. I'm sorry to say that it doesn't truly "sound right" there.

I will follow your suggestion for the emphasis, and italisize it instead of underlining. I'm a little into showing inflection in my work...does it show? sweatdrop

Again, thank you for reviewing, and I really do appreciate your feedback! biggrin

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