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 Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 9:31 pm
*This is my first time posting in here, and this poem is from last year...this is the only poem I had easily available.*
Nothing has ever quite compared
To the way I felt that night
When we were laying face-to-face
With our legs entangled tight
The way your eyes would sparkle
When you would see me smile
Or the way that you would make me laugh
When all my troubles would pile
I would love iceskating so fast
With my hands around your waist
I would always look at you
And wonder how your lips might taste...
Nothing has ever quite compared
To the pain I felt that day
When you told me you were leaving me
And nothing could make you stay
You said that we had hurt our friends
And didn't want to hide from family
My heart screamed out in anger and pain
And said "How stupid can you be?"
"Don't you feel this love I feel
When you look into my eyes?
Are you going to watch, uncaring
As this lonely heart withers and dies?"
Now at night I watch the stars
And wish you were at my side
I wonder if you felt this pain
Or if you ever cried...
You had a lock around your neck
And you trusted me with only key...
But did it hurt you when you broke my heart?
Did you ever love me?
Maybe I shouldn't post it so late at night? sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 8:28 am
Cliche metaphor of lock and key in love- don't use it, it's not worth the space it takes up. Too little content for a poem of its length. Many of the lines aren't doing anything to improve the poem other than filling up the metric scheme. I could breeze through it and understand what it meant- you're going too easy on your readers, it tells a story that is so ordinary the reader expects the next line before we read it. Try putting in something more unorthodox, surprise your reader with harsh consonance when you want to create angry tones, give more imagery. Good wordplay on the "Frank" (with the name parallel to your narrative being frank about your feelings).
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 9:23 am
hahaha WOW. Thanks. I'm not sure how to do all that...but i'll experiment with that.
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 2:04 pm
I was completly blown away with this beautiful piece; you should be very proud of it! The rhyme scheme you used heightened the feelings and emotions portrayed, and I'm not sure if the poem would have been the same without the superb use of rhyme. Rhyming is not easy to do, so kudos on this one!
The length was great, not too long and not too short, and everything you wanted to tell the world was in it.
I also loved the way you repeated certain phrases, such as: "Nothing has ever quite compared/To the way I felt that night..." and then later, "Nothing has ever quite compared/To the pain I felt that day..." I cannot put into words how much these two phrases impacted me and brought a certain je ne sais quois that could not have been achieved otherwise. I thought it would have been nice to have a third "Nothing has ever quite compared" phrase just to tie the whole poem together, but the lock-and-key imagery worked nicely too.
Great job all in all! heart
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 2:56 pm
Wow! <3 I really liked it. The way you rhymed together every second line helped tie everything together and make it more emotional. Very nice!
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 7:38 am
not really a fan of love poems. this was good. simple and flowing.
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:28 am
Thank you guys so much! I was hoping it wasn't too childish and what-not...so thanks. heart
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 2:10 pm
I really liked it and thought it was very good. As I say alot, punctuation can improve a piece greatly, and I think it could be used to improve your piece too. The piece works without it, but I think it could be better with it. Great emotions, though at parts the emotions could have been a tad stronger, you got the point across, which is always a good thing. It was an extremely good piece, keep up the good work!
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 5:39 am
Meh. It was pretty good. It seemed like you added too many unnecessary words. neutral
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:11 am
Very good, I really liked how I could feel and almost see the love tearing apart.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 3:51 pm
You did a good job of showing emotions in this poem, and making the reader really understand what is going on the relationship.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 5:38 pm
Jehosaphat Meh. It was pretty good. It seemed like you added too many unnecessary words. neutral Aye that! Some emotions, like love, are easier to convey with fewer words. Too many words just make a love poem seem too uncaring, or nonchalant...in other words: un-love-peom-ish.
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